Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Bound to happen

There is always a point in the summer where The Girl becomes hard to live around.  Nothing I can do or say will be right.  And Dad, only marginally.  And everyone here invades her space and makes too much noise.  And let's not even mention the bathroom. The up side to that is that brothers tend to get more attention.  Like somehow she is trying to balance the scale.  {About the only good way to get a smiling pic is to steal it from FB.}

Not because she does not love ALL of  her family.  I think it's because she chafes to be at home.  Then when she gets used to it, summer ends.  She will have to once more say goodbye. And this summer will be particularly hard at the end because she is officially off on her own. She's already stressing summer finals (today), getting her car repaired, maxing out her credit cards, finding an apartment in Houston, and getting enough studying in for her CPA exam.  I get it.
But I wish she wouldn't freak out. 

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Push harder

Just after July 4th, I  decided I would finally clean out the front landscaping and put a fresh layer of mulch down.  It needed it so badly; there are automatic sprinkler heads in there, and they needed to be able to pop up.  Plus, there were acorns, sprouted oak and pecan seedlings, lot of leaves.  I told myself that if I started to hurt, I would cut it short. and call it a day.  I can't expect to be able to get it all done in one day.

It was a lot of work.  My knee never hurt.  Several times during the morning I thought "I can do this, it's all back to normal".   And I did a good job.  I got all of the debris cleared out, and the whole area mulched.  I even transplanted a salvia and added a lantana to a wide open space that got lots of sunlight.  I took a cool shower, rested, and planned how to spend the rest of my week.

But my knee rebelled.  Over the course of three days, the pain and swelling intensified.  The stiffness returned.  I had thrown the rest of the vicodin away, believing I no longer needed it since I was over the worst of it  I tried to ignore the pain, and it slapped me upside the head, just as the weekend, and my workweek, commenced.  "Screw you, Gina".

I feel a little angry about it, but I am trying my hardest to ignore it and push it aside.  I even went out with Hubby that week, to a Sip and Stroll at Central Market.  Then we hung out on the deck listening to live music and sipping wine.  I actually believe in the mind/body connection.  I  am in charge of how I choose to feel.  I have a life to live, and a yard to care for, and I don't want to be sidelined anymore.  I want to participate, damn it.  I want my old life back, unrestricted.

I want that for myself, but I also want it for my long-suffering hubby, and my kids.  I feel old, and I don't want to.  I have pain, and I don't want it.  I am sad, and I am sick of crying.  I'm trying everything I can think of, AGAIN, to turn this ship around.  I don't think my expectations are unreasonable.  I just have to keep pushing forward, that's all. 
If it's to be, it's up to me, right?

Tuesday, July 14, 2015


When I first got back to work, I felt ready.  Somewhat rested.  Mentally prepared.  Physically able.
 Not now.

I feel super tired now.
My energy level is being thwarted by more of my peeps being at home most days, which always leads to more things to do when I get home from work, not to mention days off.  Yes, I delegate.  But there are some things only I can do.  And I have a problem in general saying no to requests for Mom Help, anyway.  I think "the tireds" are a combo of summer heat, and just plain old doing too much.  I'm scheduling in FUN time for Hubby and I.  It's the times we go out for dinner or Happy Hour.  We call them Bitch and Moan sessions.but its always nice to have someone to bounce things off of. 
It'll get better.  It usually does.  Fall will come.  I can't wait.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Imperfectly functional

 I'm getting better at not obsessing over my lumpy, bumpy, still swollen left knee.  It's functional.  I'm happy about being able to walk, truly.

 Every time I asked about the swelling the PT bit my head off.  And the nurse and ortho doc said don't sweat it.  But it's been 8 months.  How long does it take anyway?

It's not a huge difference, but still.  It's there.  If I mash around on it, it isn't firm.  So, I know there's fluid in there.  It doesn't hurt when I walk. But when I go to the pool to work it out, I can make it hurt, just by exertion.  Maybe that part will always be with me.  I don't know if it's related to the swelling or not. I'm not really sure where the pain originates from.  Arthritis?

I know I should be focused on other things: mastering the stairs, for example.  And walking confidently in flip flops or heels.  I'm not trying to be vain about it, I'm just wondering.  
My knee works.
I'm not in constant pain, though it will stiffen up if I sit too long.
I should be happy it all worked out, I know.
It's just that it was hell getting to this point, and I think maybe I shouldn't focus on the swelling, the scars, the loss of strength.  But to get it back to looking normal is closer to perfect than imperfect.  
Is 'perfect' reasonable?  I feel annoyed about it.