I'm not ready

Hubby had a near miss with being laid off recently.  That's about the only way I can wrap my thoughts around it, since he's still going to the office every day and working late hours, not to mention Saturdays, too.  His boss is apparently not sure whether or not to fire him.  Meanwhile, "work your ass off, please".  At the end of December a decision is to be made.  Hopefully, Hubby will have moved on to greener pastures by then.  Because he's been a stressed out mess. And the whole thing royally sucks.

Meanwhile, he is focused on retirement and what we will do.  Thinking about it all of the time.  Talking about it all of the time.  Generally, making me angry and annoyed because I am nowhere near ready to retire.  I don't want to.  At all.

He had us buy more life insurance and wants to set up a meeting with some woman who is a retirement specialist.  I could give a rip roaring fart about it.  Not interested at all.

If you're thinking of retiring at 55 and you aren't a wealthy philanthropist, you're an idiot.  Sorry, but really.  You have at least another 15 years of life to give to an organization, in some scope.  And there will be bills to pay.  You might as well buy your plot and casket if  you're going to retire at 55.  And let's not even discuss how being in the same house every day all day is not healthy to a couple.  Not this couple.  There's a reason we need to get up and go to a job every day. 

I don't even want to think about retiring.  Not interested.

Relationship roadkill

So, it's been a  little over three weeks since my sister and I had a conversation via texting that led to her telling me she was tired of my hatefulness, and  go away, and me blocking her number.  Not my finest moment, nor hers either.  But it is what it is.  Here's how it went down.

 Thanksgiving, 2010
Only the expression is real...

Mother calls me being grouchy and unreasonable.
I rant to Sister, who empathizes.
Hubby gets notice from his boss that he was either going to be let go immediately, or he could sign a paper agreeing to the impossible and be let go in a few weeks.
I rant to Sister who empathizes.
Sister calls Mother and tells her my business.
I call Mother, expecting to be able to talk with her about it, only to be shut down because she "already knows".  
I ask Sister if she told Mother my business.  Hours later, Sister replies yes.
I ask why.  Sister says that Mother was still fuming over the "grouchy and unreasonable" conversation she had with me, and Sister thought that by telling her I had troubles it would make Mother feel better. (that's messed up)
I text that I would have preferred to talk with Mother about this myself.  Sister informs me that the world does not revolve around me, says she's tired of my "hatefulness".
I reply:  "Bullshit, as usual".
Aaand...that led to where we are now.

I am irritated, mainly with myself, for believing that my sister and I could actually have some sort of relationship. I realize that friendship is an unattainable goal with her.  I thought that deep down, she really did love me and wants the best for me.  But what I see now it wasn't that way.  I guess I can't share my private life with her.  I never envisioned a future where I was without grown siblings I could count on.  It feels very sad.

Going, going, gone

The Lounge.  AKA the spare bedroom.  My sewing and craft room.  Hubby's second office.

Empty again.
Although I do still see Spencer from time to time, as he needs a haircut or a sammich...

Only time will tell how long it stays this way.  For sure Chloe will sleep in here at Thanksgiving, and Christmas, too.  I managed to get Spencer to take the futon to his apartment.   I think I will probably add a daybed and a table to sew and craft on.  Too much empty space at this house is not necessarily  a good thing for me...though I am glad that at least two of my people are out making it on their own!

Pardon my French

I might have said, in the past, that I would clean up my potty mouth and try not to cuss so much.  But I sometimes find it to be cathartic; it helps me blow off some steam.  And really, a colorful sentence enhancer seems to get my point across, and if nothing else, it helps me feel heard.  But I bet a few of those near and dear to me wish they couldn't quite hear me so loudly.  Cross stitchin' instead of bitchin' is a good idea, I think.

A lot of times I struggle with feeling positive and loving and uplifting and all that crap.  Instead I feel a little stifled, irritated, moody, and dissatisfied.  I have people and things in my life I love and can count on, and many blessings, for sure.  So, I just have to assume this is normal and possibly leftover from this Spring, and it will pass.  I think when the season changes and the holidays get closer, I will have a lot to focus on and maybe that will occupy my thoughts in a more positive way.  At least that's what I going with. 

****You know, I wrote this post a couple weeks ago.  Things are getting better - they are.  I'm trying to move my mental energy in a more positive direction.  Stay tuned.****