Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Making people angry

Like anyone else,  I am pretty good at a few things, some big, most small.  And one of the things, I have noticed lately, is Making Other People Mad.  Which let's just call that a big thing, because most of the time, having someone irritated with you is unpleasant.
For both of you.

 Please enjoy photos of cow skulls.  They look like I feel a lot of the time...

I don't start my day thinking "how can I piss someone off today?"  It just happens for me.  And it's been going on for a while now - maybe I was always that way to some degree, I don't know.  I could make all kinds of excuses for myself, but at my age, I know the difference between making a friend vs. making an enemy.  Sometimes people forgive me, sometimes not, even after I have tried to apologize.  You can't punish someone forever for being ornery.  
Well, you could, but what is the point of that?  


do point out the obvious, or ask an uncomfortable question, or ask someone to consider another viewpoint (playing devil's advocate), or remind them of something in the past that did not work out so well, or state an unpopular opinion, or repeat a request (ok, nag).  But it's not like I can't have a reasonable and polite conversation because of course I can.  And I try not to be judgmental, but really, don't we all make value-based judgments every day?  I don't wander through my day dispensing my opinions, but I'm not likely to say something I don't mean for the sake of keeping peace.  
Does that make sense?


I could name you at least 5 people right now who would agree with my assessment of myself being a pain in the butt.  Truth be told, it is a burden to be pissing people off.  I hate to make excuses for myself, because I hate it when other people make excuses, but more and more I feel like maybe it's just who I am.  I could no sooner not be me than anyone else could - I am who I am.  The old Dr. Seuss adage applies:  those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.  


My PT scolded me for being too "me" at one of my first sessions, followed with: "I'm sure you're a perfectly lovely person with other admirable qualities".  Had I not been dependent on her for help, she would have gotten quite the reply.  {In my defense, PT was a rough go, and my therapist wasn't particularly warm and fuzzy}  But her first impression of me was probably accurate.  Now, I wasn't aiming to be besties with the PT, but I also don't think "who can I irritate/annoy/anger today?"


It does matter to me that I don't intentionally make anyone else feel miserable.  In the past couple of weeks I have tried mending fences with a couple of people who discount me as someone Not To Like, and I even told my estranged sister Happy Birthday and shared a photo memory of happier times on Facebook.  I'm not sure how else to begin to right the wrongs, and I'm not even sure I consider them wrongs.  But I don't want to be the person you avoid.  I'm not interested in a major personality change, and I don't even think thats possible.  I would love to focus more on being diplomatic, a better listener, and a better friend. Seems like reasonable goals to work towards, right?  
Or am I just trying to have it both ways?



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