So, a couple or three years ago my sister and I were having one of our daily one hour phone conversations. Frequently we would chat about Mother - one of the only things we actually had in common. I remember we were saying that it was very hard to call Mother when we had a problem - she's one of those people who doesn't pull punches. It's always been this way.*
I remember saying "Unless it's about her garden or chickens, she's not really interested". My sister agreed, and at the time I thought that we had an understanding that our conversations were strictly between us, not to be shared. We had agreed upon that, in fact.
Well, I was wrong.
The next time she spoke to our mother she said something to the effect of "Gina doesn't want to hear about your gardens or chickens anymore".
My sister will always feel like she got the short end of the stick and had a terrible childhood.
I cannot in any way, change those things for my sister.
And yet, I wanted to have a friendship with her, based on equality. I always wanted to help her and I think my intentions were misunderstood. But, you cannot make someone's life better by giving them advice and offering help they do not want.
That nugget took me 55 years to learn.
I really thought that we could move past the "past" and find some common ground, but all that has done is reinforce the differences. And to fight back, she involved my mother.
In a phone conversation every now and then, my mother will avow that I said or did something that I did not, and I will think, "Oh. Sister is at it again".
And when it comes up between my mother and me I always feel blind-sided. No matter what I say, she will not let go of that misinformation. Because she wants to believe that my sister truly loves both of us and is being honest. And I don't feel right about holding a grudge against my mother.
It reaffirms what I have chosen to do for the past few months. What I really miss is something I never really had. And sometimes you don't get closure.
No comments:
Post a Comment