Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Dream feelings #2

Another restless night, another very freaky dream.


So many twists and turns and seemingly unrelated images.
My mother came to me about something she left at a doctor's office. Some sensitive medical information.  The doctor had it and I had to retrieve it.  Turns out it was a string of sorts, but information.  Then it becomes more substantial as I look at it - it was made of cloth - a shirt?  Multi-colored plaid and woven,  with what I think is decorative stitching coming out.  Mother seems distressed about it.  As I am trying to hand restitch it, I realize I am doing a poor job and must start over.  It becomes a dress, Mother disappears.  I need to finish it as soon as possible because one of my kids needs it for a field trip they are going on in a few minutes.  Hurry!  I get on the school bus to give it to my kid - turns out it is Grayson and he is small, maybe around 3 or four.  The bus is going to NYC.  The principal is telling everyone that they cannot go to a big store or someplace that she promised them, so the kids are standing in clusters around teachers, being comforted, including my kid, although I am still on the bus as it is pulling away and the bus driver will not let me off.  I don't have my purse or phone or money or even shoes.  I am pleading with her to let me off, but she won't stop the bus.  She says she can't because there is someone tailgating her.  I am suddenly in the back of the bus, poking my leg out of the open back, pushing on the car behind us.  Its a delivery truck and the driver of it is just starring at me.  There is no glass in his windshield.  I am screaming stop the bus!  But it won't, and no one is listening.  I start sobbing and place my hand on my stomach to steady myself as I cry.  But I realize the hand is not mine - its the man that is driving the truck behind us, and he has reached into the bus.  I push his hand away and the bus arrives in NYC.  All of the kids clamor off the bus with the teachers - we have arrived at the place that the principal said  they weren't going to - surprise!  I never do connect with Grayson - off he goes with someone else.  I am standing in a room of teachers - no kids - the principal is like some kind of ceremonial person conducting what?  A meeting?  She is wearing a turban and flowing clothes.  The dream ends.
******
So much despair in this dream.  Images of losing things.  Being someplace I don't want to be and ill-equipped to deal with it.  Rushing, trying to fix things, not being heard.  I feel like I barely slept last night...what a way to start the week.



Thursday, March 8, 2018

Getting there

Things aren't all that different at work lately, but maybe I have turned a corner and am seeing it all differently.  I still feel like there are people there who shouldn't be there,  and I still feel like we are losing people that we shouldn't lose...but more and more I also feel like I should settle down and fly under the radar.  Stop complaining and venting about work altogether - at home and at work.  Find more joy in the day.  And busy myself with what I am supposed to do to make myself more effective and make the day go smoother.  It's definitely a work in progress type thing.  Sounds overly simplistic and in reality, is challenging as hell.

 Hallways that stretch into foreverrrrr at the end of a long day...

When I walk to the timeclock every evening I want to be able to say I did my best in all things:  in how I related to the customers I served and in how I interacted with my fellow employees.  I want to say I didn't spend time dwelling on the past and am moving confidently into the future.  I want to make the most of the time I have in this profession, at this place, and say I was successful.  I definitely don't want a small, disappointing slice in time to define how I feel about all of that.  And I also don't want anyone else to be responsible for how I feel about it all.  And I am starting to feel like I am getting there.