Intentions

Mark had the best of intentions for us at Highlands.

Spencer learning the riding lawnmower

His plan was for us to eventually retire there.  He wanted to build a barndominium that we could lock up tight when we were traveling.  Something that could withstand burglars, crazy Texas weather, and the zombie apocalypse.  A place we could launch travels from, have a garden, sit and gaze at the stars.

There was a learning curve of sorts...

The rest was all minor detail to his grand plan.  For example, how to care for all of the things:  Darby, the land itself, the barn, the well and pump, the mower, etc.  He was pretty great at all of it, but he showed me how to do NOTHING.

It hasn't been mowed since a week before Mark passed.

And you know what they say about plans...  So here I am, three months into widowhood and there is SO MUCH I do not know about how to take care of Highlands, let alone what I plan to do with it.  I can barely think about the future.  Its like my mind goes blank.

He's getting the hang of it!

When someone gently says to me "Mom, its ok, I will help you", I feel a little more hopeful about the future.  I don't have to know it all rightthisminute, but I also don't feel like I have years and years to learn and decide.  Its very overwhelming to me.  I may sound like a broken record saying that, but Mark and I never even discussed the what ifs.  He had no idea that they were about to be reality.  And he probably thought I would just sell it if I had to.
 No biggie, right?

When the sun is out, I feel hopeful.  But grey skies are coming and I feel unsure.  I'm trying hard to think about it clearly and decide, in time, what it is I truly want, but that's not something I have had to do for so long...