Happyish

Part of being a body who experiences anxiety and depression is that it's hard to realize when you are starting down a dreary path.  And so, in the midst of life happening, its hard to see the happy things.  So I am choosing to pause and think about them..in no particular order:

*A day off and a large bucket of popcorn at the movies 
*A quiet house first thing in the morning, with killer A/C and a coffee pot gently perking
*RAIN.  Lots of it.  I can hear my fig tree sighing out there, as well as the lawn.
*All my peeps seem to be on even keels.  I would love for a couple of them to make progress in certain areas, but I am happy that all of them seem to be going about their daily lives in mostly positive ways.
*Mark and I are on strong financial footing and he enjoys being back at his old job.
*My elbow tendonosis is gone.  My back doesn't hurt.  My eye stopped watering. My nails aren't peeling. And I'm drinking lots of water so I don't feel dehydrated.
*We get to take Chloe and Spencer to Bell Springs on Saturday.  We will have a fun lunch, nice wine, listen to good music, enjoy the outdoors.
*I took some of my JA jewelry in for cleaning and repair and that always makes me feel like I am getting new bling!
*I only work four days this week, and since I picked up extra hours on Sunday for overtime I get to work with an old friend and a new one.

******

Just typing that list made me feel better.

Hopefully still a good cause

About 6 months ago, one of my sisters and I decided that in Mother's best interests we would pull together to keep closer tabs on her.  We would inform each other of visits and how they went.  We would each pick a day of the week to check on her.  We check in with other for news of Mother - what we can do to help, how she is getting along.  All of that is positive, and makes me feel like we are putting the important shit first.  But when the old feelings come to the surface - I start to wonder if  I made a mistake.  

I'm aware that I sound like a crazy person sometimes but there is history.  I don't want to play games. Life is not a race for first place.  I know my mother loves us both, and I am happy to do what I can for her, and even happier that I have at least one other sibling out of six that is on somewhat the same page.  It's not about me, I get it.

I wish things were different.  But they aren't. Not yet.