Setting boundaries

Christmas is over.  Back to our regularly scheduled program...

I am doing my level best to hang in there.

Two of my favorite people!

I hate to whine, so I will keep this brief.

I was calling and writing my mother once a week, and visiting her once a month.  But after our last phone call I felt so defeated.  What I really wanted was my mother to soothe me and tell me that its going to be OK; tell me she's thinking of me and keeping me in her prayers.    

After all, its the first Christmas without Mark. 

But that's not how she handles grief.  Instead she told me "oh Gina, you have so many OTHER blessings".  She counseled me about "being sad" - but Mom, that's not the same thing as depression.  She scoffed, then reminded me that I once told her to "bloom where you are planted" and told me maybe I should do the same.  It felt unhelpful.

And I just can't deal with her opinions right now on top of everything else.

So I wrote her and told her that because I was still having a rough time, I was just going to continue writing her only.  This week I joined a grief support group, last week I had my first talk with a counselor, and I have a handful of people in my life that I can talk to that are supportive, which is HUGE because it means that I can be there for my peeps when they need me.

I've let things go before because I know how she handles things like this.

But this boundary is set.

Happy things for January 2022

Some times its hard to write about happy things when you don't necessarily feel happy*.  Recently a friend reminded me that happy and joy are not the same thing.  Happy is fleeting - you can be happy one minute, sad the next about the day to day life.  But joy is something deeper.  My kids give me joy.  My home inspires joy.  Friendships bring joy.

Although happiness can be over-rated, here is my list anyway.

*The weather has been beautiful the last few days and I have been outside a lot, soaking up as much sun and fresh air as I can.  Today is yard work day!

*I got my pantry, fridge, and freezer all cleaned out and organized and there is enough food in there to keep my grocery bill low for the next few weeks. (yes, I tossed some things that I shouldn't be eating - caramel corn, eggnog, pumpkin pie from Thanksgiving...)

*I cleaned my car inside and out yesterday - a dirty car gives me stress.  My car gets good gas mileage and gets me safely to work each day.  I loaded up a bunch of stuff in it to take to Goodwill yesterday and its very convenient for stuff like that, too!

*My knee, which decided to hurt for weeks, mysteriously stopped hurting and I had completely forgotten about the pain until just now.  Right now, nothing hurts me physically and I feel strong.

*My 2 oldest peeps came to eat lunch with me on New Year's Day and it was a peaceful and optimistic time together and we all enjoyed each others' company.

******

Depression doesn't always look like crying and laying in bed, staring into the abyss.

Sometimes it looks like someone struggling to keep their head above water.