Dream feelings #20 - Widowing and Parenting

 We will call both of these #20 since the first one was so short. And actually both dreams have a link with Grayson.

Dream A:

I am climbing a very rocky mountain, lots of boulders, around and underneath them emits a blue glow. I see the foot of the climber above me step off a large loose rock and I think, "well I can't climb on that and I need to take care of it".  So I get on the opposite side of it and push it off the mountain. I hear it crashing below me and look to see it blocking a river right where it leads into a lake or ocean. Well, that can't be good. Other people stop to notice what I have done.

Just an FYI - I don't rock climb. However, I have been handling issues and problems that come up in a calmer way than I did 5 years ago. Sometimes it feels like an uphill trek on rocky ground. 

I mean I guess he could be a Louie

Dream B:

I enter a house that belongs to an old co-worker/friend - she greets me and we walk into a very large closet where there are fluffy blankets hanging on giant coat hangers, and she hands me either a pink or blue one. I look around the house and notice large windows with a beautiful natural view, the rooms having multi-level floors, lots of people. We chat for a minute then I say I need to find my youngest child, Louie. I walk around looking for him and realize I might not recognize him. I ask someone about him - Spencer? - but he has no information about him. Where could he be? How will I find him? How old is he and when is his birthday? Is he my 5th child? These Q's swirl around in my head as I come across Grayson. Are he and Louie one and the same? I ask him how things are going and he says not great. But he has some news he thinks is good. There is a man seated at a table with no shirt on, sweaty and red. Turns out he is trying to sell Grayson a scheme to make money. I tell the man "so you're a scammer" and I start questioning him. He gets angry. Grayson moves off to the side to talk to this man's associate. But in that moment I know that the deal will fall through.

Make of this what you will, but I think it has to do with the last baby (blue and pink blankets!) growing up and moving into the wider world. I haven't seen him or Spencer in person for months. And I worry about them and the adult choices they make.

Widowing and Parenting - weighing heavy on my mind, I guess.

The trouble with old photos

 Waaaay back in December of last year, as I tackled cleaning out yet another closet, I pulled down all of the old photo albums, and extra pictures, and boxes of negatives and decided it was time to purge and condense. 

I had a plan, and it was simple. But the actual project took me places I did not want to revisit.  Those sweet faces! (I rarely see them) That handsome, smart husband! (gone) Remember that house?  Oh, look - long gone family members. So many long days, so many short years.  I cried buckets through 5 of these 100 page 3 ring photo albums. And don't even know if the kids will ever look at these albums.

 I made tough decisions about what to save for posterity.

It was a difficult trip back into the past.  So I did what any reasonable person would and I procrastinated, mean-mugging that table every time I sat in the den to read. I wrote notes to myself in my desk planner ("get it done - this week!")  But somehow, I just never could.  There is such a contrast between my life then and my life now.  Back then, everything on photo paper looked rosy - the kids were smiling.  We went places. We celebrated. I documented some very happy times. But behind the camera was a mom who was juggling more than her fair share, and constantly having to give in to someone else's plans and whims.  I lost a big part of myself in the process.  

This is why you don't immerse yourself in the past.

its so nice not to see that table here!

Just one more thing I wanted to talk to Mark about. But I'm working my way through it, trying to reframe it, and maybe in the future it will be easier to look back at those photos.  And the bonus is, that project is DONE!

Dream feelings #19 - Hunger Games

 I am in my bedroom, maybe folding laundry or making the bed, and I hear a familiar voice in another part of the house.  I recognized it immediately as my brother Byron. I can still hear his voice in my head, and I haven't seen or spoken to him in years.  He walks into the room and I noticed that he is older, but taller, thinner and wearing a blue plaid shirt tucked into jeans.   I say "It's you!" and rush to hug him. 

Byron and me, 65 years ago

It was a nice long hug and that part of the dream fades to a very surreal scene that's like something out of Hunger Games.  Its a futuristic scenario where we have cell phones that look like small flat books - but bigger than today's cell phones.  We are being divided up into groups.  Some of the groups are further inside the building, actively battling in a type of war in a giant multi-level arena.  I do not see weapons or death though - its more like a game. This part of the dream is very colorful with reds and yellows, lot of interesting lighting.  I am in a group that has no role, milling around and wondering what to do.  I have a couple of interactions with people and a leader type female who takes my phone to use.  The dream ends.

I've been thinking a lot about family lately as I get memories down on paper to write my life story - so that explains Byron.  But the second half?  No clue.

Another dumb thing, exhibit C

Chloe came over one day to visit, and we were talking about the cell phone bill.  While we were talking about phones, I told her that I had never cancelled the land line because, well... Mark set it up.  Then it occurred to me that: 

*it's my damn land line (so its my responsibility)

*he's not coming back to use it

*I don't own an actual land line phone

*I haven't faxed anyone in a long while (its 2026, after all)

*$127 a month is too much to pay for internet and something I don't use

this desk will look nice, painted and with a smaller scanner someday!

In my defense, the land line was something we had from when we bought the house.  {And then we added a second one, but it got cancelled when all of the kids got cell phones.}  When he started working from home he was forwarding the insurance agency's line to a multi-line phone with our phone line.  Friends, that ended 5 years ago.

Would he be mad that I cancelled it? Does that even matter?

I'm still going to keep the scanner/printer/fax combo until it croaks, then I will buy a smaller one.  But I don't need the expense of the landline.  I really don't know why I didn't cancel it sooner.  It took AT&T less than a day to disconnect it.  I guess in my head I still hear Mark.  But now its gone and I feel like I got a monthly raise.

Chance encounters

Combo post, where I also show you my "plantio" - ha

While I was re-doing the pavers in the red rocks area, I also made a small plant patio (plantio) for the terra cotta pots I wanted to group together.

They get the perfect ratio of sun and shade here.  See that tall pretty pink bloom in the background?

I was walking into HEB and a woman rushed up to me with this potted plant saying "Look what I bought!" - just like she knew me. She took the plastic tag out of it to show me, and pointed down the sidewalk where they were displayed.  I thought, well, that's pretty, and I do have an empty pot.  So I walked down there and picked one out.  Immediately another lady came up to me asking where I found it. I pointed to the display and yet ANOTHER woman stopped me about it as I was walking away.  Weird.  Usually no one pays me any mind at HEB.

Its a Curcuma, a type of tropical lily, from the ginger family.  Apparently it loves the heat and will bloom all summer long, indoors or out. (the rocks at its base make it harder for the squirrels to dig)

Another person inside the store commented on it, as well as a woman in the parking lot.  I thought "do I look extra nice today? (I did not) Was it because I was smiling and looking people in the eye? (again, no)  Maybe I haven't been grocery shopping at the right time of day, because it felt very nice to have friendly interactions with strangers. It gave a little boost to my afternoon, frankly, and makes me think that I can reciprocate and will meet people.  Its not scary or terrible - it's doable.  I need to get out more often and initiate more chance encounters.  Life is not meant to be lived alone, they say.

Happy Things for Summer 2026

 Like Monty Python would say; "and now for something completely different".

I love the way the late afternoon sun looks in this room as I read

I am feeling physically and mentally better.

My yards loved the rain - I have healthy looking shrubs out front, including the Crepe Myrtle that I was so worried about last summer.

Took a solo beach vacay.

Working on home projects that spark creativity and create cozy.

Reading good books for two book clubs, and just for me.

Getting regular pedicures and side trips to a winery.

Giving myself more breaks from cooking - leaving the oven off.

Planning a family meal for July.

Focusing on my "best life" goals.

Overall, I feel like I am in a healthier place than I was last summer.  No big worries with the kids, money, or the house. All of my spaces have been refreshed and made to accommodate my comfort. I have a list of things to work on, but I am not pushing myself with time and energy. Looks like summer will be a scorcher so I will prioritize water, relaxation, and self-care.  Right now, life feels good! 

That old familiar feeling

I was telling a friend of mine that every overworked mom reaches a point where she needs a break.  Maybe she doesn't want to continue being not only a breadwinner, chief cook, cleaner, laundress, and admin.  Maybe she needs a hot shower, a nap, and someone else to pull the load for a bit.

That break never seemed to come for me.  And rather than rock the boat too hard, I just kept doing what I knew I was good at.  Then after Mark died, I found I felt super angry about having to cook for myself.  I tried easy meals, or cooking one big batch of something, or just making sandwiches.  But every time, I felt like I still wasn't getting a break.  And never would.

even simple meals make me feel mad

The male therapist I was talking to (before the current one) said "yeah, but now you can eat whatever you want".  But I was doing that anyway and I still have to do the work: making a menu and list, shopping, schlepping, storing, preparing, serving, loading the dishwasher.  Why did I take it all on?  Maybe it was my love language, or a trade-off for peace in the house.

My thing is: when was it going to be my turn to be cared for?  There has never been a time that someone took care of adult me.  I even made lunches for Mark when he was working from home.  (and to be fair, he did thank me often)  I have so much residual resentment and anger about it.  I feel like I created, or at least contributed, to the problem.

Sitting in my kitchen yesterday, thinking about what I was going to pack for meals over the weekend made me so mad I cried.  So I really need to try to figure this out for myself.  Something tells me its a bigger issue than just cooking.  But for the rest of the summer, I am dropping down to cooking meals for myself only two days a week. 

I am determined to get to the heart of this and resolve it.