Stuff that makes me mad

     Background:  When I was about 21, my mother decided to move from Galveston to Victoria, get an apartment, and take a new job in dang near the middle of the summer.  I was home on summer break from college, but the timing of how I was going to get my stuff from Galveston back to my furnished student apartment in San Marcos did not concern her.  Nor how I was going to live in a totally empty house by myself until time to return to college.  She just loaded up her stuff and said bye, in the middle of a hurricane, no less.  Mind you, I did not even have a car.  (and back then, no one had computers or cell phones)  I did, however, have Mark, who would also be returning to Texas State.  I had to leave or toss most of my belongings - it could not all come with me, and Mom wasn't going to move or store it for me.  Same for my cat, which I had to abandon in Galveston.  When Mark's mother got wind of my situation, she was appalled.  She insisted I stay on their fold out couch in her back bedroom. This was for about 2 weeks, at the end of which Mark borrowed his boss's old work van and we loaded it and hit the road, ending our last summer ever in Galveston. 

     Now:  Wanting to do this differently, I have stored all of my kids' things for many years, in those big plastic bins, out in my garage.  I have reminded them to come look through them, to see what they wanted to keep or toss.  (friend, my "kids" are in their 30's)  Lovingly stored are their yearbooks, uniforms, karate belts, summer reading totes, baby teeth, toys, pre-K art, and other mementos of their childhoods, not mine. And you know - I kind of feel over it at this point, but I wanted to be respectful of their right to their stuff.  I get that they might not have the emotional capacity to deal with it.  But can we talk about my struggles these last 4.5 years as a full-time working woman and widow who is nearing retirement and was left with our clutter and possessions to deal with alone?  I don't think my mom had that same journey, though I can appreciate that she was arranging things by herself, as well.   But am I just a storage unit?  I have a lot of guilt over this - maybe I burdened my peeps with too much stuff.

The situation I created  kind of pisses me off.

Text messages

Sometimes I scroll through old text messages between me and Mark, especially when I am really missing him and longing to have a conversation with him.  Occasionally when he was at work, I would call him - he didn't seem to mind it.  He was always the first person I thought of when I wanted to talk to someone.  I would call him the minute I left Mom's house and he would help ground me in my own safe and loved bubble of reality. (visiting mom could do a number on me) 

 But I feel like we really didn't get enough talking time. 

I bet every widow feels that.

cheers!

The last text messages we exchanged will live in my phone forever.  They are proof of life.  We would talk about what the weekend's weather was going to be like as we made our plans.  Or talk about our lunch that day.  Around the time of Covid, he would text me about when and where he was getting the first shot, then the second, then "when are you getting your jab?"  He was worried about it.  I would remind him to turn the crockpot to warm, or tell him I was picking up take-out because I didn't feel like cooking dinner.  To ask him what he thought about me taking on over-time hours at work, or remind him that I was on call this weekend.  To let him know I was running late because of traffic.  And the very last two texts were me asking him if we could go somewhere to drink a beer instead of staying in that Friday evening.  He never replied.  I sent the text at 4:48 p.m., less than an hour before he would die suddenly of a massive heart attack.

Sometimes I imagine his response.

"yeah, I'm down with that.  Dinner at Rancho?  Whataburger?  you call it."

I'm going to top off the grass, get a shower, then I'll be ready to boogie!"

"see you when you get here, girlfriend!"

People who like to piss in your cornflakes

 I told someone that I had joined a wine club and the response was "don't ruin your liver", and "just don't be a drunk".  Mark would've called this "pissing in your cornflakes".

So....Brigid and I will teleport?

It goes without saying that I am not on a mission to do either.

But the issue here is having people in my life who bring a slant to my endeavors to live a varied and interesting life, full of new people and places.  I am a widow who is finding her way in this world as a single person for the first time in 39 years.  Let me live!

And not to justify, but the addition of the wine club satisfies a longing in me I didn't know I had.  Not just a reclaiming of visiting wineries and relaxing on a day off outside of my normal schedule, but a place to decompress and unwind doing absolutely nothing at all if I wish.  It was something I loved to do with Mark, but now I will make it my own.

I probably need to share far less with others, in general.  Vulnerability can have an upside, but also drawbacks.  It is OK to forge ahead with what brings me happiness and joy, regardless of what anyone else prefers. Its Ok to make a life that is separate and unique to me as I figure out who I am and what makes me jazzed about the day.

And its 100% OK to drive out to the country, put your feet up, and stare off into the distance or journal, with a glass of wine in your hand.

What do you do to relax?

I am also planning my first mini-vacay in years

This is a thought-provoking question for me.  I feel like I haven't done any real relaxing in about 5 years.  So, I decided to make one day per week an "empty" day, where I can focus solely on myself (not chores, not projects, not a to-do list, no appointments) If I want to just sit on my couch and stare at a wall, so be it.   However, I feel like I will read or nap, sit outside on the deck, maybe go thrifting, do whatever.  If I get behind in my house plans, then that will have to be OK. But the reality is, I already do too much, and I have for years. I have always filled my days up with productivity, like I somehow had to justify being at home while Mark was at work.  Never mind that I also had a job and was a full-time mom of four.  My needs were always last, and free time was never free. I am sure that's what's behind all the stress I feel at home now.  I am filling my days with motion and it's a hard habit to break. Maybe I am tiring myself out on purpose.  I am being productive - but at what cost to me?  Figuring out life now with a completely empty nest has been a challenge.  Time to pencil in some empty time.

When I make mistakes

Two things I know about me:

1.  I am hard on myself for making mistakes.  I will either immediately take the blame and begin chastising myself, or I will try to rectify it quickly in a panic.  Either way, I punish myself with guilt and feelings of low self-worth, no matter the size of the mistake.

2.  I ruminate over my mistakes and try to make sense of them even when there's not a clear reason for them. (sometimes things just "happen" and are unavoidable).

I try to remind myself that I am human and inherently flawed.  That the universe is random, with lots of moving parts, and all of us are having this experience.  The fact that everyone makes mistakes is not tied to low morality or intelligence.  How could it be when we all make mistakes?  The good I do outweighs the bad and does not define me as a person.  The big picture is more important than my mistakes - there is a balance.  What matters is that I am trying to make the right decisions and sometimes I do not, but I still continue to strive for my best.  I dislike it when I fail, but it happens. 

 I am kind to others that fail, especially at work, because I know how it feels for them. 

Do I not deserve the same kindness from myself?

Moving through hard times

sunset photo by Chloe

I guess most people call certain calendar dates and hard days "triggers"; birthdays, anniversaries, holidays.  Days where you feel the weight of life is heavier.  For example, in July I dread Mark's upcoming deathiversary.  Add to that issues at work, planning for retirement, loneliness, and just plain old blue days.  So I gathered another list of helpful things - this one for moving through tough times and tricky dates.

*Acknowledge your emotions, allowing yourself to express sadness/frustration/anger in a healthy way.  Crying is OK.  Recognize what is true for you in the moment, without judgement. Offer yourself kindness and compassion. Remember that everyone struggles sometimes - this is our shared humanity.

*Focus on what you can control - break big problems down into smaller parts then determine the next best step and move forward. Sometimes life will feel like one long learning experience.

*Prioritize your health and self-care, seeking out support as needed.  Maintain consistent routines for eating, sleeping, and how you spend your free time.  Spend some time outside in the sun, in nature.  Stay engaged with work at work, then leave it there when you go home.  Avoid living in your phone. 

*Practice gratitude daily and challenge your negative thoughts.  Remind yourself that tough times are temporary. 

*Stay true to yourself.  Engage in activities and people that align with your values and goals.  Protect your boundaries and avoid getting overstimulated by other people's negative energy - take a break from others when you need to.

Admittedly, this all sounds easier than it actually is.

Try looking at it another way

Do you remember that line from James and the Giant Peach?

Recently I have been thinking about this quote.  

Also the one by Mary Engelbreit: "If you don't like something, change it.  If you can't change it, change the way you feel about it."  Re-framing an issue can help us find solutions.  And breaking a problem down into smaller chunks often helps us make the first step.

Another approach to this same idea is the serenity prayer:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

That's where I am at today with my job.  Admittedly, it is nether a problem, nor something I don't like!  It is a blessing to me, and my 32 year old new radiography student self would be pleased and relieved to know that I did finish school, secure a good job, and do well.

But some things about it fall into the above categories, and in order to continue doing what I do, I find I need to change how I look at my job, and the way I approach my shifts.  Because I would like to keep working in my field for another couple of years.  So here's my framework:

*Stay busy and engaged with work at work.  Avoid energy vampires who distract me.  Limit engagement that is not directly related to work tasks. Avoid venting and gossip.

*Plan and prep foods on Friday for the meals I take with me, and give me variety and healthy choices, making me feel jazzed about eating them.

*Aim to look my best.

*Prioritize getting to bed early on Friday nights so I am rested and ready for success.

*Organize a Review and Reference manual I can keep at my desk, so that I can be more of an approachable resource for shift-related matters.

*Volunteer for meaningful tasks that help the department as a whole, not specific individuals.  Avoid scrolling on my phone or computer in my downtime.

"Looking at it another way" means appreciating those things that make a job a worthwhile and meaningful part of my life, not something I am anxious to drop in favor of retirement.  Either way, I need something positive to engage my time and energy, and I also may as well get paid for it!

Something of an epiphany, no?