People who like to piss in your cornflakes

 I told someone that I had joined a wine club and the response was "don't ruin your liver", followed by

"just don't be a drunk and whatever you do don't get behind the wheel and drive".

Mark would've called this "pissing in your cornflakes".

Brigid and I will teleport?

It goes without saying that I am not on a mission to be a drunk nor ruin my liver.

But the issue here is having a Negative Nellie in my life who brings a certain slant to every endeavor of mine to live a varied and interesting life, full of new people and places.  I am a widow who is finding her way in this world as a single person for the first time in 39 years.  Let me live!

And not to justify, but the addition of the wine club satisfies a longing in me I didn't know I had.  Not just a reclaiming of visiting wineries and relaxing on a day off outside of my normal schedule, but a place to decompress and unwind doing absolutely nothing at all if I wish.  It was something I loved to do with Mark, but now I will make it my own.

I probably need to share far less with this person.  Vulnerability can have an upside, but also drawbacks.  And if you have a person like this in your life, you probably get what I mean.  It is OK for you to forge ahead with what brings you happiness and joy, regardless of what anyone else prefers. 

Its Ok to make a life that is separate and unique to you as you figure out who you are and what makes you jazzed about the day.

And its 100% OK to drive out to the country, put your feet up, and stare off into the distance or journal, with a glass of wine in your hand.

What do you do to relax?

I am also planning my first mini-vacay in years

This is a thought-provoking question for me.  I feel like I haven't done any real relaxing in about 5 years.  So, I decided to make one day per week an "empty" day, where I can focus solely on myself (not chores, not projects, not a to-do list, no appointments) If I want to just sit on my couch and stare at a wall, so be it.   However, I feel like I will read or nap, sit outside on the deck, maybe go thrifting, do whatever.  If I get behind in my house plans, then that will have to be OK. But the reality is, I already do too much, and I have for years. I have always filled my days up with productivity, like I somehow had to justify being at home while Mark was at work.  Never mind that I also had a job and was a full-time mom of four.  My needs were always last, and free time was never free. I am sure that's what's behind all the stress I feel at home now.  I am filling my days with motion and it's a hard habit to break. Maybe I am tiring myself out on purpose.  I am being productive - but at what cost to me?  Figuring out life now with a completely empty nest has been a challenge.  Time to pencil in some empty time.

When I make mistakes

Two things I know about me:

1.  I am hard on myself for making mistakes.  I will either immediately take the blame and begin chastising myself, or I will try to rectify it quickly in a panic.  Either way, I punish myself with guilt and feelings of low self-worth, no matter the size of the mistake.

2.  I ruminate over my mistakes and try to make sense of them even when there's not a clear reason for them. (sometimes things just "happen" and are unavoidable).

I try to remind myself that I am human and inherently flawed.  That the universe is random, with lots of moving parts, and all of us are having this experience.  The fact that everyone makes mistakes is not tied to low morality or intelligence.  How could it be when we all make mistakes?  The good I do outweighs the bad and does not define me as a person.  The big picture is more important than my mistakes - there is a balance.  What matters is that I am trying to make the right decisions and sometimes I do not, but I still continue to strive for my best.  I dislike it when I fail, but it happens. 

 I am kind to others that fail, especially at work, because I know how it feels for them. 

Do I not deserve the same kindness from myself?

Moving through hard times

sunset photo by Chloe

I guess most people call certain calendar dates and hard days "triggers"; birthdays, anniversaries, holidays.  Days where you feel the weight of life is heavier.  For example, in July I dread Mark's upcoming deathiversary.  Add to that issues at work, planning for retirement, loneliness, and just plain old blue days.  So I gathered another list of helpful things - this one for moving through tough times and tricky dates.

*Acknowledge your emotions, allowing yourself to express sadness/frustration/anger in a healthy way.  Crying is OK.  Recognize what is true for you in the moment, without judgement. Offer yourself kindness and compassion. Remember that everyone struggles sometimes - this is our shared humanity.

*Focus on what you can control - break big problems down into smaller parts then determine the next best step and move forward. Sometimes life will feel like one long learning experience.

*Prioritize your health and self-care, seeking out support as needed.  Maintain consistent routines for eating, sleeping, and how you spend your free time.  Spend some time outside in the sun, in nature.  Stay engaged with work at work, then leave it there when you go home.  Avoid living in your phone. 

*Practice gratitude daily and challenge your negative thoughts.  Remind yourself that tough times are temporary. 

*Stay true to yourself.  Engage in activities and people that align with your values and goals.  Protect your boundaries and avoid getting overstimulated by other people's negative energy - take a break from others when you need to.

Admittedly, this all sounds easier than it actually is.

Try looking at it another way

Do you remember that line from James and the Giant Peach?

Recently I have been thinking about this quote.  

Also the one by Mary Engelbreit: "If you don't like something, change it.  If you can't change it, change the way you feel about it."  Re-framing an issue can help us find solutions.  And breaking a problem down into smaller chunks often helps us make the first step.

Another approach to this same idea is the serenity prayer:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

That's where I am at today with my job.  Admittedly, it is nether a problem, nor something I don't like!  It is a blessing to me, and my 32 year old new radiography student self would be pleased and relieved to know that I did finish school, secure a good job, and do well.

But some things about it fall into the above categories, and in order to continue doing what I do, I find I need to change how I look at my job, and the way I approach my shifts.  Because I would like to keep working in my field for another couple of years.  So here's my framework:

*Stay busy and engaged with work at work.  Avoid energy vampires who distract me.  Limit engagement that is not directly related to work tasks. Avoid venting and gossip.

*Plan and prep foods on Friday for the meals I take with me, and give me variety and healthy choices, making me feel jazzed about eating them.

*Aim to look my best.

*Prioritize getting to bed early on Friday nights so I am rested and ready for success.

*Organize a Review and Reference manual I can keep at my desk, so that I can be more of an approachable resource for shift-related matters.

*Volunteer for meaningful tasks that help the department as a whole, not specific individuals.  Avoid scrolling on my phone or computer in my downtime.

"Looking at it another way" means appreciating those things that make a job a worthwhile and meaningful part of my life, not something I am anxious to drop in favor of retirement.  Either way, I need something positive to engage my time and energy, and I also may as well get paid for it!

Something of an epiphany, no?

Life, one year later

Last March I wrote about how I wanted life to be different in a year.  Over the course of the year, I looked at that post, just to remind me to stay on task.  I think I did pretty well! 

I wanted to feel OK on my own - I did this one!  I went to several things around Austin, always on my own, but never fully alone.  I had a good time doing it, too.  I made eye contact and spoke to with others, I found my way around fairly easily.  I saw a couple of great concerts, a few movies and shows, visited art shows and parks, shopped and ate out, and in general "got out there".

I wanted to decide where to land - I decided to stay put until interest rates go down.  At which point I might start investigating a smaller home.  

I wanted to have the garage in order, with some big items gone from my life.  I did this one very well!  I just have a few items to deal with and right now, they aren't in my way or causing me to lose sleep - they are on the list of things to handle in 2026. Some jewelry was sold.  The garage was completed overhauled and painted.  The Baja is gone.  

I wanted to have several big things done at Rustown, and I did a lot of that.  Carpeting might happen this year. I was able to attend to a lot of painting, repairs, and replacement of things like a couch, the garbage disposal, and a power switch.  I also created a sewing room and a guest bedroom.

I wanted to progress in therapy, and I am happy to say that I did. I know that there will still be grief, sadness, loneliness - all of the things.  But I feel that with the help I have gotten, the things I have learned, and this blog which helps me organize my thoughts and feelings, I am doing so much better than this time back in 2025.

Things to think about with grown kids

This is heavy on my mind, as I adjust to an empty house and adult children that I don't hear from on a regular basis. (which actually might mean that they are successfully living their lives!)  Rather than feel sad, I choose to empower myself and move forward as a single person on this earth.  

What follows are my own thoughts.

      Are your adult children pulling away from you and what you represent?  This can happen for a number of reasons - every family is different.  Maybe they will find their way back in some way, but maybe they will not.  It happens.  Rather than trying to "fix" something, focus on what you can control:

     *Stay in touch, just enough.  Limit interactions that you initiate.  Don't always call, don't stalk, don't constantly text. Let them take the lead sometimes, too.  Prioritize your sense of self worth. 

     *Offer advice only if they ask, and be interested in what they share with you.  Listen, but don't judge.  Share what you feel like sharing.  Don't be nosy and don't tolerate nosiness from them.  

     *You are not a child; you have made it this far in life and you are capable.  Let them know you love them, miss them, and are here for them.  Do not plead for reciprocity.  

     *Maintain your dignity - you know your value. Its their life, yes, but its your life, too.  Don't make yourself small, you are not inconsequential.  If they are pulling back, for whatever reason, that's on them.  Social media will tell them all sorts of trendy things that are flat out wrong - its not up to you to fix that.  Continue living your best example of a person with healthy emotions and a worthy life. 

     *Accept their choices, but expect them to accept yours, too.  Hold them accountable for their actions, as you would expect them to hold you accountable for yours. Relationships work both ways.  Life doesn't always turn out like we expect it to.  But keep doing the right things for the right reasons, anyway.  

     *Don't compare your relationships with your kids to other people's relationships with theirs.  This is not fair to anyone, least of all you.  You can and will survive and thrive.  Not only is it expected, but it is within your reach, is a gift to yourself, and sets a good example.  Go live your best life.  

     *Cry when you need to - that is OK.  You are human and entitled to your feelings.  Stay busy and engaged in your own life with things you want to do.  Add interests, hobbies, keep learning.  Add more people to the mix.  You can, and will, find others to be around and expand your circle. 

     *You are a whole human, deserving of love and dignity, and you can have this. Your adult kids do not define you or your life - they never did, even as small children.  Once they are adult, you have finished raising humans.  Do not raise your grandchildren.  You are not here on earth just for emergencies, but you can choose to help with those when you can.  You are also not the bank.

     *Aim to live a great life, a long life.  Take care of yourself physically and mentally.  Stay independent as long as you can.  Make yourself proud.  Seek your peace.