Dream feelings #8

An obviously grown Grayson:

Giving me a skeptical look

After a long while of not having any particular dream to remember or blog about, I had a short disjointed two-part on a Sunday morning:

I was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Mark was in his favorite spot on the couch in the den.  I was fixing spaghetti, with green beans as a side.  I was looking around in the cabinet for the seasoning I wanted to use and suddenly was holding a bottle of spice mix that I was unfamiliar with and did not purchase.  At that moment Mark said something to the effect of buying what he wanted me to use in the dinner.  I felt annoyed, like he had stepped on my toes, and I added far too much seasoning to the pan.  The more I stirred, the more spice appeared and I was thinking "now how am I going to fix this?".  The scene abruptly changed and I was in my bathroom at the tub, leaning over and looking into the water.  I understood Grayson (as a toddler) to be taking a bath.  The water was cloudy with soap, and he was underwater, holding his breath, so I could just make out the shape of him, the water being so cloudy with soap.  He surfaced and I said, "honey, this water is way too cold" as I started running the hot water into it.  He seemed to get smaller/younger and once again slipped under the water.  Then the dream abruptly ended as the alarm went off. 

Would I label this one as a nightmare?  Reading over what I wrote brought the "feelings" of the dream back to me, and it wasn't really a memory that made me smile...

Why, and who, I feel comfortable asking for help*

 Its really hard for me to ask for help, post-Mark. Its not like I don't need or want the help, it just feels like I am burdening people who shouldn't have to take on my responsibilities.  I know that's an extreme way to look at that.  I guess I have always either felt self-sufficient, or as part of a team who could do most anything (me and Mark, of course).  Now and then Dylan will offer to do something for me and I seem to put him off.  Why is that?  My "kids" are adults now, and letting them help when they can would do a world of good for all of us.

Home sweet home to be repainted soon!

things such as:

*it would help get them to see the big picture of taking care of a home

*it gives you the feel-goods to help someone else 

*a family should help each other - isn't that what we teach kids?

*it would show them how to take care of their own home some day

*Its definitely a productive use of time

*more projects and chores would get done, which would not be a bad thing

*it might make me feel better to have them help me

*siblings that see other siblings pitch in might mirror that effort and offer to help

*we would be working together and spending time together

*sometimes they have good ideas for things

Leave it to a writing prompt and my own stream of consciousness to lead me to a realization!

*I'm following a series of prompts for a few posts

Happy things for April 2024

*I'm getting Rustown painted, but more importantly, repaired in various areas where there is wood rot.

The painter will also remove outside speakers, part of a weather station, and replace some light fixtures, in addition to power washing the house.  This project is a long time coming as I had tried to convince Mark that it needed to be done years ago.  He would always insist we could sell the house "as is".  But if I'm going to stay here for any length of time, I want to have this done so I can continue to enjoy my home.

*The weather is full-on Spring and I could not be more pleased.  I've been mowing, raking, and fertilizing the grass.  A few weeds make little difference to me. The oaks trees dropped fewer leaves and pollen pods than in recent years (probably due to all of the pruning that was done), so clean-up was manageable.  Dylan and Grayson have both helped me with bagging of the leaves, which is actually the most time-consuming thing.  I will plant new lantanas this month and see about getting the sprinkletr system back on-line.

*The executor for Mom's estate let us come spend one day, clearing out all of the personal property we wanted. It was a hard task (physically and emotionally), but it's one more hard thing done. Whatever is left in the house/garage/storage sheds will either go into an estate sale or be donated.  He got the yards managed, too, and will put the property on the market soon, so it feels like we are making progress in wrapping this up. 

*Mental health-wise: last month was rough.  My labs were all done recently, and everything looks "great" per my doc.  I don't have any reason to think that things can't keep moving in a positive direction.  I know there will be sad times mixed in, but I am determined to expect the best.

The amateur radios, et al.

This will seem like a long rambling story.

About throwing Mark's shit away.

It is what it is.

Mark was a ham - an amateur radio operator.  He had been interested in it for years, back when CB radios were a thing.  So in the very early 90's he got his ham radio license.  He commandeered the walk-in closets at both houses to make his very own "ham shack" and climbed around in both attics, installing antennas.  He ALSO installed radios in all of his vehicles, with the associated antennas.  He was a member of several emergency response organizations, taught a radio badge for boy scouts, and participated in several City of Austin Emergency Response drills (remember Y2K?).  Recently I came across all of his licenses and certificates and training manuals and books and notes and ID badges and CRAP and seriously, I felt so overwhelmed by it all.  I cleaned out the drawers I had it all stored in.  Then I turned my attention to the actual radios and etc.

I had pulled all of them out of the master closet a couple years ago and put them in the garage.  No more ham shack! Then from the attic I pulled all of the empty boxes they came in.  That's where I stalled.  I was this close to taking them all to the recycle center when Grayson said, lets sell them I'll help you.  But after a month's time, we both realized we were in over our heads, neither of us knowing anything about how to deal with them.  So in a fit of  "ohmyGodIcan'tstandthisanymore", I pushed all of it to one side of the garage while I worked on another project. (as it turns out, purging more stuff from the garage that I don't want)  Then I calmly pulled the recycle bin around to the garage and loaded up all of the manuals and cardboard boxes.  I shoved the radios, and a very old chainsaw and drill, into the back of the truck and made an appointment at the recycle center to drop them all off.

I'm not going to justify/discuss/explain this to my kids for any reason.

I don't care what it all may have been worth - certainly not the price of my sanity.

I always feel a twinge of guilt, then I remember:

Mark is not his stuff.  Mark neither cares about nor needs ham radios in heaven.  Mark would understand the burden that was placed on me.  Mark would want me not to be unhappy in my home and grieve forever.

P.S.  Someday I will tell the story of how we struck a deal involving ham radios with Mark going to the dentist...

That was hard

About a month ago, I got this card in the mail, sent via the donor people, from someone thanking our family for donor tissue for use in healing of her arm.  Apparently, the tissue was taken from Mark.  This happened back in November of 2023, but we just got the note.  So, the tissue graft was successful.

I'm glad.  That's the point of being a donor. 

I didn't know what to think about it at first.

I shared it with Dylan and Grayson, since they are home with me.  They both quietly and calmly acknowledged it.  It spent a week or two posted on the fridge, then I put it away in the "Mark" file, with all of the other sympathy cards and letters we have received.  {admittedly not that many}  And while I know Mark would have said something like "very cool!", I can't also help but think it wasn't so.  I'm thankful to know that I honored Mark's wishes and he has the potential of helping others, but still. 

It did wreck me a little bit. 

That was hard.

Things I forgive Mark and myself for*

Well, pretty much everything.

Mark and I did not live the charmed life, weren't perfect parents, and were often disconnected as spouses.  We argued about basic things and had a hard time apologizing.  We each had our own agenda, and that caused us to often not be on the same page. He was a borderline hoarder, socially outgoing and likeable, super involved with his children.  I was organized and detail focused, worked hard at balancing home, my job, and child rearing, and was sometimes introverted.

Over the years we disagreed about sex, money, and the kids. We had differing views on what retirement might look like.

In other words, we were human.

I've had to remind myself not to place Mark on some kind of pedestal.  But, he was a truly good person, who loved me only a little less than my own mother did.  I don't regret one minute of my life spent with him, and I hope he would have said the same about me.  We didn't have a perfect marriage, but honestly, who does?  And what even constitutes that?  We made a life together that produced a beautiful family and we had some very good times mixed in.  And we had real love.

Whenever I beat myself up about what I could have or should have said or done, I remind myself that forgiveness works both ways.  I'm sure he would feel the same if he were here, looking back on our life together.

*I am following a series of prompts for a few posts

Happy things for March 2024

I made a calendar for myself of all the things I wanted to work on this year at my house.  And although I might have procrastinated a bit of the February plans, we still have a good ten months to go.  So I feel sure that I will rally and catch up on my list.

One of the first things for March is fixing another shared fence section between me and a neighbor.  Surprisingly, he agreed to cover half of the cost and is going to pay for an extra post, as well.  So including this getting resolved, here are the other happy things for March:

*I sent a money donation to the senior center in Brenham in honor of Mom, who would have been 94 yesterday.  She spent many happy hours there and made friends, so it made me feel good to remember her this way.  She was generous and believed in charity and tithing.  She was smart with her money and set a great example for us.

*I got the Baja put in my name and it was fairly painless.  That's one step forward to getting the issue of the vehicles resolved.  I feel like March is when we will leap forward with all of that.

*My labs came back all "within normal limits" and my cholesterol was "great" - a quote from my doc.  Now I just need to get the reflux in check and I am working hard on that. My weight is stable, too.

*I am almost done selling all of the items I had listed on Ebay.  It was fairly painless, earned me a little money, and greatly reduced the clutter in my jewelry box.  It has inspired me to get going on the other things I need to sell,

*The seasons are changing and Spring is just about here.  I am ready to move forward in many areas of life.  I would love to keep a forward momentum, but I know rainy days will be mixed in with the sunny ones.  I will keep up my walking program and focus on my health!

Things I wish I could do over*

I'm sure that a lot of people play this game with themselves.  {Its kind of like spending the imaginary Lotto millions you've just won.}  If you could only go back in time and re-do things that you now have 20/20 hindsight on, right?  Maybe you are remembering a happier time and just want to re-live it.  Recently Grayson told me he wanted to be 16 again -  when he was happy.  My heart broke a little.  Being 16 is something I would do over, too, but for different reasons. 

When I was 16 I lacked discipline and direction.  I was chasing things instead of working hard to attain what I wanted.  I dreamed and wished for a life that I wasn't actively working toward achieving.  And I wasn't a particularly nice person because I was so dissatisfied with my lot in life.  I lost my way with my religion, relationships, self-respect.  And all of that was when I had the initial opportunity at maturity, having made good grades, gotten a driver's license and a part time job, and attained some status in high school circles.

me at 16

So.  With that being said.  Here's what I would do differently starting at 16:

*focused on what I wanted to do for a living someday, and apply for jobs and opportunities that would have taught me something as a basis for future endeavors.  While employed I would have maintained a high standard of honesty and hard work, limiting my absenteeism, gaining insight from my peers and supervisors, and learning how to manage my money.

*enjoyed all of the opportunities high school had to offer instead of being so laser-focused on popularity, drill team, and boys. Taken college prep level classes from the get-go.

*pick the university I wanted to attend based on my future goals, graduated on time, working part time and keeping my grades high. Started applying for post college jobs sooner.

*Dated more than one or two people in high school.  Said no to things I shouldn't have been doing.  Been responsible for my own health and well-being.  Kept the lines of communication open with my mother and asked for her input.

*Been a better person overall, made worthwhile connections and met more people.  Told my family I loved them and honored those relationships.  Gone to church with my mother.  Taken care of my body and my overall mental and physical health.  Asked for help.

*Plotted a course, walked the path, held my head up, made myself proud.

Its like they say:  youth is wasted on the young.

*still following a series of prompts

The kindness of a stranger

     Recently I used Lyft to get a ride to the dealership to pick up Subie. Normally, the driver isn't talkative, but Kitty in the maroon Accord was very different.  She greeted me like I was someone she knew, smiling and saying "hello!".  She asked about my day and I told her I was picking up my car from repairs.  She told me that her father was a mechanic and although they did not live close, she always got his opinion on car repairs. She said "yeah, its always something with a car.  One minute its are running fine, then next its a $1300 repair".  "That's funny, I said, that's exactly how much my repair is!"  She was so confident and out-going, and talky.  She said, "so I always ask people I meet: one, what do you do for a living, and two, what brings you joy?"  I told her that what I did for a living and that it did not always bring me joy....and I was still trying to decide for myself how to find joy after two years of widowhood.  I asked her questions about Honda vs. Subaru and why she loved "Garnet" as she lovingly patted the dashboard. (which is something I always do with Subie)  In the blink of an eye, she was dropping me off at the dealership.  I tipped her a couple of bucks and told her I was sorry that it wasn't much.  She seemed genuinely surprised and delighted and wished me a happy day.

     I know it sounds strange, but I felt like I was supposed to meet her that day.  She got my morning off on the right foot and the rest of the day went smoothly.  I had two very delish breakfast tacos, got a bunch of stuff done around the house, had a great lunch at home, did a bit of shopping and cleaned out my car, went on a walk, made a good dinner, cleaned the kitchen, got ready for work the next day, and slept well.  It was a good day.

car repairs should always be followed by tacos

     I've had that feeling before in brief encounters with people and been in awe of the bigger force in play.  Kitty was like a breath of fresh air on a cold and overcast day when I was dropping big bucks on my 8 year old car during a hugely expensive month. Her kindness and genuine interest in other people gave me perspective and a calm outlook that lasted the rest of the day.  

Happy Things for February '24

 Is it just me, or does it seem like New Year's was just a couple weeks ago?

Also...it seems like I really look forward to January for that fresh start/clean slate feeling, then various things happen that take a little of the shine off.  I am going to keep my head up as best I can and find the good.

*the fence is repaired and it cost much less than two other quotes I got.

*the water pressure issue for the house and kitchen was resolved and its soooo nice to have good water pressure and a fully functioning kitchen faucet!

*I started a walking program and while doing so I listen to various Ted talks which are helpful.  I am changing the way I look at grieving - very eye-opening.

* I got that big auto pipe outta my garage, a bunch of stuff decluttered from my house, and Grayson is helping me sell the ham radios.  Progress!

*I'm going to buy a new car, sell mine to Grayson, then sell the Baja and Ridgeline.  Will I regret this?  Right now I can't see a reason why.

Deep breaths - February is off to a decent start.

A time we got along really well*

{Mark's 63rd birthday would have been this coming Wednesday, so this is maybe fitting}

The very last weekend that Mark and I had together was a good one.  I remember big chunks of it, and  I fill in with what I know we probably did.  We visited a brewery and Italian restaurant in Llano, as well as a winery, then a tasting room, in Mason. At Highlands, I would have fixed us a simple dinner to enjoy by the firepit.  I do remember staying up much later than Mark did.

He was so tired, recovering from a heart attack, but we didn't know this.

our hill, at sundown

On Sunday, Mark would have slept in until about 9 a.m. while I had gotten up earlier - usually around 7 a.m.  I made a pot of coffee, then sat on one of the patio chairs to keep and eye out for passing wildlife - geese overhead, deer walking through, and the sounds of the cows mooing on the ranch next door.  He would have said "oh, you're just going to let me sleep the morning away?" as he always did.  I would have gotten him a cup of coffee and started making breakfast. 

I spy a cow

 Until afternoon we worked on various projects, just putseying around. Mark installed some nice stereo speakers on the outside of the Winnebago, then sat in his chair in the sun, listening to music on them.  Come up here, I said to him, motioning to the front of the barn.  I knew he hadn't been feeling well and I just wanted him to relax in the shade.  I opened his favorite wine (Lime in the Coconut!) and we sat in chairs facing each other, listening to music and chatting about anything and everything. {I so wish I could remember exactly what we talked about - we were sitting there for a couple of hours}  It was so amiable - like two old friends and each others' favorite companion.  In the late afternoon we took a nap, then woke around 6 p.m, loaded up the RV, and headed home.  I remember thinking that afternoon that we were really connecting, and I swore to myself that the NEXT weekend, we were just going to relax.  No projects, no travel, just time in our chairs in the sun on our hill, soaking up the last bit of summer.   

And then the unthinkable happened.

I miss talking with him, most of all. The mundane and the extraordinary.  All of it - 

catching up on our day or week, swapping stories about our jobs and people we knew, discussing the kids, making plans for Highlands and the future....  And I'm thankful that as that week wore on, with all of its frustrations and stress, we'd had Sunday together, enjoying each others' company.

*I am following a series of prompts for a few posts

A memory that makes me laugh*

 Full disclosure: this is one of those frankly mean yet actually harmless sibling stories that I have laughed about throughout the years, almost to the point of not being able to re-tell it.  In fact, I just snort-laughed, reliving it in my mind!  It will never not make me laugh.

I'm sure my sister did not find it amusing in the least.

I can hear my mother now calling me a "bad ole girl"

Years ago, when we lived in Galveston, we were in a house that had a couple of rooms which shared a closet that connected them. (mostly the cat's favorite place to go and pee on shoes)  So you could sneak from one room to the next, deviling each other, as my mother would say.  On one such occasion, I hid in my 15 year old sister's side of the closet, having sneaked in via my mother's room.  My unsuspecting 12 year old brother was in the living room that was just adjacent, watching TV.  I'm sure my mother was at work with the three of us home unattended.  This house had a tiny bathroom for the four of us to share and it was located on the other side of the house from the bedrooms - in fact just outside of the kitchen, which was a dumb place to put a bathroom.  It was so small that after a bath or shower we would wrap ourselves in a towel to return to our room to get dressed.  

This is a crucial detail in my story.

So there I was, lying in wait for her, in the dark closet of her room, with the door barely open a crack.

{This is hard to type as I have to pause and laugh every so often...hold please}

As she entered the room, clutching the towel wrapped around her, another towel wrapped turban style on her head, carrying a cup of coffee, I let out this insanely terrible schlurping noise like some kind of animal, scaring the absolute shit out of her.  It was the first time in my life I had ever made that sound - I don't even know where it came from.  She threw the full cup of coffee into the air where it rained down on her newly clean self, dropped her towels, and ran screaming into the living room in her birthday suit with wild wet hair in her face where my brother sat gaping at her, wide-eyed.

I literally fell out of the closet laughing so hard I could not breathe and couldn't speak for some time.

In no way did I feel remorse or regret for doing this to her, and probably did not even help her recover her dignity or clean up the spilled coffee.  And I'm sure she was merely trying to get ready for an after school job.

This possibly explains why my sister does not think I am funny.

In fact, she has spent the rest of her life making sure I understand the phrase "paybacks are hell".

Ha ha.

*I am following a series of prompts for a few posts

Happy things for January

Its time for the monthly focus on my blessings, not my troubles.  I find that flexing that gratitude muscle is as important as physical exercise.  Does that mean I am better at it?  Maybe not yet - I have a ways to go.  But practice makes perfect, right? Here are current things to be happy about:

Less beer, but not no beer

*The year ended on a calm and quiet note and my family had a good Christmas.  I stayed well within my budget and plans and I think that set a positive example for my adult kids.  As one of them stated, (Christmas) "doesn't have to be exactly the same every year", which tells me that they understand the need for holidays to evolve for us as a family.  Another lightbulb moment for me!

*The tile job is finished as far as I'm concerned. I have plans in place and lists made and I am moving forward with the things I want to do for my house and that doesn't involve dealing with that tile guy ever again.  A lesson or two was learned.

*Grayson is no longer commuting to San Marcos in the Baja, and for now he is done with school.

*I survived my two week bout with RSV and am feeling better overall.  I have started back on my walking.  Health-wise, I am doing my best at making healthy choices, which also includes far less drinking.

*I have already started on the yearly purging and cleaning and organizing of the spaces in my home  and I have a plan for moving forward with projects and that gives me such a feeling of accomplishment and control!  I'm going to enlist the boys' help more often as well.

That's not a bad list of happy things for January!