Dream feelings #16 - Grayson moving out

this sat in the hallway for 2 weeks

In the dream, I have a very big house with very big yards that seemed to be inside of the house.  Another adult was observing me as I disciplined Grayson over breaking something in my bedroom a year ago and not telling me - and why was he even in there to begin with?  It was a sort of blue thermostat/light switch on the wall.  I told him that if he had told me it was broken I could have fixed it already.  Dylan and Chloe were also nearby, but not saying anything.  They all became young children.  I started yelling at all of them, but they were not really paying attention and getting further away.  Grayson hopped on his bike and started riding off and I had to call him back to continue discussing with him.  That's where the dream ended.

I fully expect that I will have some sadness over the last one leaving home.  I have a lot of angst over how the last couple of years have played out, particularly with Grayson.  I'm not sure I was able to really help him, but I did provide a safe place for him to be while he figured out what he wanted and was ready to leave.  All while doing my best at living my own adult life, with all of its struggles.  None of them are "kids" anymore and its time for all of us to move on.

Just a dream - but this empty nest thing - its so real.

The question is: what would I retire TO?

Recently my sister told me that my niece, who is 55 is going to be retiring soon and moving to the coast.  Which, great - whatever blows her skirt up.  The sister said it made her "feel old" - I guess because of my niece's age.  To me, whatever anyone else does with their own life doesn't make me feel any sort of age and I'm Ok being almost 65.  And working actually makes me feel vital and a little younger.  But its just like Ozzy said "you have to have something to retire to" and maybe my niece has that figured out, but I for sure don't.  On paper you could be worth enough money to do so, but money is not a substitute for creating a life you enjoy.  So while I am working on that and figuring it out, I will keep working since I like what I do.  And anything could happen.  You could have a major health issue that could wipe out your savings and put a big dent in your early retirement - so it can't just be about the money.  Meanwhile I don't want my skills to lapse.

Do I want to garden? No. Travel? Again, no - at least not alone.

I have no grandchildren, and even when I do, I don't plan on raising them!

Volunteering would be a good way to fill my days, but right now I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing than going to my job and taking care of my home.  I am happy in my house, my hours/ responsibilities/commute to work are all good, and I'm not in a relationship that holds me anywhere.  So what do I retire TO?

It will all come to me eventually.

I could work on developing my hobbies, adding new ones in, I guess.

I feel like I have time to decide what exactly I want to do.  Maybe what I'm doing is what I'm supposed to be doing.  Who knows.  And I'm all for others retiring whenever they want to. 

Its just not for me right now.  What are YOUR thoughts about it?

"I've never stopped loving you, but sometimes I don't like you"

I fully realize that there are some things about my relationship with Mark that will never get resolved.  And now it's up to me to process them so that I can have peace with them.

This is one of them.

scuplture at Zach Theater

Sometimes Mark said things to me that were not well-thought out.  I know all of us have done that from time to time.  Were he here now, I might have a discussion with him about this one thing he said and how it made me feel.  Maybe he could have just said "I've never stopped loving you" or "I've always loved you" without qualifying it.  It always seemed backhanded to me, even when I know in my heart that he did love me.  But those two sentences seemed mutually exclusive.

Because how do you say "Sometimes I don't like you" and not have it perceived in a negative way?  Being likeable to your spouse is something we take as granted.  Otherwise, why would they have even married us to begin with, right?  How do you build a life with someone that you sometimes don't like?  How do you merge your financial life with them? Raise a family with them?  Have intimacy with them? Live with them day and and day out?

To me, if you love someone, you necessarily like them.  At the very least you don't dislike them.  And you'd never say "I don't like you"* - you might instead say "I don't like what you did/do".  But saying he sometimes didn't like me?  His life partner?  That really cut deep.

He could have said: 

*have more patience with me

*make more time for me

*praise and thank me 

*don't nag/thwart/question me

And that might have opened a discussion where I asked him to:

*share the home load with me so that I am not so exhausted

*listen to me

*praise and thank me, too

Because didn't both of us want to be more likeable to the other?  I would hope so.  And handing someone "sometimes I don't like you" only hurts; it doesn't suggest ways they can do better.  Just my post mortem marriage counseling at work in my brain.

*I was guilty of saying "I hate you" in two very heated arguments.  I didn't hate him.  I hated the situation, the feeling of helplessness, the thing he was doing, or the way I felt.  I should never have said that to him, no matter how I was feeling. And he did call me out on it. I feel terrible about it still.

Dream feelings #15 - driving with my eyes closed

I don't remember thinking it was either of these two cars...
 

I am driving a car with other people in the backseat.  It is dark, or maybe I perceive it to be because my eyes are closed and I can't open them.  I have no idea how well I am driving the car; almost like I am navigating by feeling the road.  I knew I should have my eyes open but I couldn't do it, finally giving up and hoping for the best as the car continued to move along.  No one in the car seemed to be alarmed, although I did feel worried like I shouldn't be driving.  The car comes to a stop and a cop or someone comes to the driver's side and I roll the window down. Its a man.  He says, you know you wrecked your car, right?  But I couldn't remember bumping into or scraping anything and as far as I know we are all still alive in the car.  I didn't know what to say in response, so I just muttered "Oh.".  And I still could not open my eyes.

Is this another retirement dream? Urging me to pay attention?  

Are the passengers my kids? The man, Mark?

Sometimes I wonder if I really know what I am doing and think I will discover someday that I forgot to do something that was crucial.

Some hobbies to pursue

 In the past, when someone asked what my hobbies were, I felt embarrassed to say "I don't have any".  I didn't want to admit that what I did was raise kids, clean my home, cook, and make sure everyone stayed on schedule.  Silly me, because that was a job.  And along the way, I did learn a thing or two and develop some hobbies, which technically are anything you do outside of your primary occupation, in your own leisure time. 

enjoying alone time with an adult bevvy - that's one I like, too

For me that is:

Sewing and crafting 

Jigsaw and word puzzles, card playing, and reading

Walking, meditation, journaling

Writing - on both of these blogs

Home maintenance, sprucing, and a bit of decorating

What new thing do I want to learn about? Birdwatching would be fun, as would possibly gardening or landscaping.  I would like to learn to swim (I'm still dragging my feet on lessons, though) and I'm working on getting out and meeting more people.  Got any suggestions for me?  What do you do as hobby?