Things to think about with grown kids

This is heavy on my mind, as I adjust to an empty house and adult children that I don't hear from on a regular basis. (which actually might mean that they are successfully living their lives!)  Rather than feel sad, I choose to empower myself and move forward as a single person on this earth.  

What follows are my own thoughts.

      Are your adult children pulling away from you and what you represent?  This can happen for a number of reasons - every family is different.  Maybe they will find their way back in some way, but maybe they will not.  It happens.  Rather than trying to "fix" something, focus on what you can control:

     *Stay in touch, just enough.  Limit interactions that you initiate.  Don't always call, don't stalk, don't constantly text. Let them take the lead sometimes, too.  Prioritize your sense of self worth. 

     *Offer advice only if they ask, and be interested in what they share with you.  Listen, but don't judge.  Share what you feel like sharing.  Don't be nosy and don't tolerate nosiness from them.  

     *You are not a child; you have made it this far in life and you are capable.  Let them know you love them, miss them, and are here for them.  Do not plead for reciprocity.  

     *Maintain your dignity - you know your value. Its their life, yes, but its your life, too.  Don't make yourself small, you are not inconsequential.  If they are pulling back, for whatever reason, that's on them.  Social media will tell them all sorts of trendy things that are flat out wrong - its not up to you to fix that.  Continue living your best example of a person with healthy emotions and a worthy life. 

     *Accept their choices, but expect them to accept yours, too.  Hold them accountable for their actions, as you would expect them to hold you accountable for yours. Relationships work both ways.  Life doesn't always turn out like we expect it to.  But keep doing the right things for the right reasons, anyway.  

     *Don't compare your relationships with your kids to other people's relationships with theirs.  This is not fair to anyone, least of all you.  You can and will survive and thrive.  Not only is it expected, but it is within your reach, is a gift to yourself, and sets a good example.  Go live your best life.  

     *Cry when you need to - that is OK.  You are human and entitled to your feelings.  Stay busy and engaged in your own life with things you want to do.  Add interests, hobbies, keep learning.  Add more people to the mix.  You can, and will, find others to be around and expand your circle. 

     *You are a whole human, deserving of love and dignity, and you can have this. Your adult kids do not define you or your life - they never did, even as small children.  Once they are adult, you have finished raising humans.  Do not raise your grandchildren.  You are not here on earth just for emergencies, but you can choose to help with those when you can.  You are also not the bank.

     *Aim to live a great life, a long life.  Take care of yourself physically and mentally.  Stay independent as long as you can.  Make yourself proud.  Seek your peace.

Dream feelings #18 - critters and unfamiliar spaces

This dream was probably a compilation of things on my mind: me staying at the hospital for the ice storm, speaking to a friend about the limited amount of contact I have had from my kids, and thinking about my home and future living arrangements.
 

my home away from home, the call room

I slowly realize that I am in a new home/apartment sitting across from where I see two small beige caterpillars making their way zig zag across the wall.  They start growing - start to look like slugs.  Gradually they turn into some kind of slimy lizard that is pulsing a glowing blue, and leaving streaks of blue and green slime across the walls.  I get the sense that my children are here with me - much younger.  An apartment maintenance crew? exterminators? come to deal with the issue and while they are there they notice other animals in the house, including a cat with sharp fangs.  They catch it and sedate it and we (the kids are crowded around now) notice that it is a baby lion.  It had been in one of the boys' rooms and they knew about it. (my sense was that it was Grayson's)   I look over off to my left and notice I am in the entry to a linoleum-floored kitchen that has all kinds of unusual devices on the counters and looks both futuristic and outdated.  I don't know how to use the items or even what they do.  One of the kids comes in and attempts to answer my questions (Dylan?).  I think to myself "why didn't I come home sooner and get a handle on this situation?" I got the sense that they had moved in a while back, without me.  But Chloe and Spencer did not appear outright, and I knew Mark wasn't there. 

And that's where the dream ends.

10 things I probably won't do this year

I saw this prompt on another blog and thought it looked like a resolution list in reverse.  Let me just state:  there are things I know I should do, or should want to do, and I could do them but I just don't, and I probably won't. This is a radically empowering concept, that that's coming from a person who loves her goals and lists!  So here's my list of Things I Probably Won't Do This Year:

for sure I won't be doing this

Travel outside of the US/Texas - I am a homebody, through and through.  An adult who gets homesickness from a day away, much less a string of them.  Travel has never been my thing.

Get a different job - I am too close to retiring from this field.  When I finally figure out how to spend my retirement days, then I will proceed.  For me, it cannot be the other way around.  I want to know where I am headed.  And I don't want to start over.

Pester my adult kids - They know my phone number, my address, and my work schedule.  If they wanted to see or talk to me on a regular basis they would.  And I'm not going to wait around for that, and I will stop asking them for assistance, except in cases of emergency and maybe not even then.

Date - I don't see this happening any time soon, especially not on any dating websites. I definitely believe in relationships/friendships happening organically. So I'm going to keep on living my single life, caring for myself, and taking life as it comes.

Replace the grass in the front yard - This would require a BUNCH of money, both from the outset and with on-going maintenance.  It would involve new sod, a sprinkler system overhaul, and continued care. Mowing the grass is so hard here in the summer.  Combine that with the herds of deer in our neighborhood and it gets even more challenging.  I'll be doing good to keep my shrubs.  As it is, I will have to spray those once a month with deer spray.

Facebook - This is a terrible platform to stay in touch with  other humans.  Its mainly people creeping on other people, or bragging, or promoting their business, or discussing politics.  Its a negative place, and not for me. If you know me and are my friend, we don't need Facebook. 

Lose weight - The best I can do is eat healthy foods, watch how much I drink, and walk regularly.

Do a big Christmas - I want to keep Christmases small from here on out.  I want Santa to bring less food, money, expectations, and stress, please.  I will decorate just enough to make my home cheery for me.  Cook just enough not to drown in leftovers.  Go out just enough to feel connected with the season.  Spend just enough on gifts to make them meaningful.  Aim for peace.

Get a pet - With my current work schedule, it would be unfair to bring a dog into my life.  A cat might be doable, but I don't want my furniture shredded, and I don't want to deal with a litter pan.  I love that I come home to the same clean and tidy home that I left for the day.  I think I am done sharing my space with critters.

Worry about grief - I don't think I'm 100% done, by any means, but since the holidays have passed it does seem to be easing up a bit. I'm sure I will still blog about it from time to time, and I do also journal and talk to friends.  Instead of  imposing expectations or time limits on myself, I will give myself grace.

Hard things that come out of nowhere

At lunch time the day before Christmas Eve, I stepped out of my front door and noticed yet another flat tire. I could see the nail poking up from the tread, so it was at least fixable.  Good things: I noticed it early enough in the day when the place was open for business, I was at home instead of at work, I own an air compressor that lives in Brigid, the weather wasn't terrible for me to be out there inflating my tire, and there are a few places to eat around the tire repair place.  Within an hour and a half it was all sorted, lunch included.

Shortly after returning home I could hear an intermittent beep in the distance.  I knew from experience it was a low battery alarm - it had to be the garage smoke detector.  I grabbed my trusty ladder, found a new 9V (that was just pure luck), and replaced it.  Things I might have stressed over in the past - no biggie, I can handle it.  All was well until I noticed the fingerprints on the garage ceiling - those are Mark's proof of life.  A reminder that he was the last person to change out that battery.

Two days before Christmas is a tricky time to be reminded that I am still here, without my person.  Four Decembers without him - and every December from now on.  So, yeah, triggers still pop up out of nowhere.  And I truly don't want to write every blog post about my loss.  Because I'm also counting on better days to also come out of nowhere.