So many changes

Seems like only yesterday...

People spout that phrase a lot.  And it's true (or seems to be) that while we are busy living our lives and making it from one sunrise to the next sunset we are caught up in daily life and before you know it, a whole slew of days has gone by.  A few weeks.  Months.  Years.  And after a while you might look up and think  "How did all this change occur?  Where was I when it was happening?  I'm not sure I'm on board with it."  I've said before, change is hard.  But that's a simplistic understatement that doesn't comfort anyone.

Struggle is optional, and I get that, but it's almost impossible not to struggle against things you don't want.  They're going to happen anyway, and you know it, but by struggling a little I think we all think we can slow the process.  What happens is, we make the process even harder to bear.

Things I didn't want to change this year, but they damn well did anyway:

My cat dying.

Friends at work leaving for different shifts, or just leaving altogether.

My role at my job.

My weight going up.

My hair falling out.

My kids moving away from me.

My husband hating his a job, then getting a new job, then being unhappy at the new job.

******

I guess I could continue listing shit I'm not happy about.  But that wouldn't make me feel better, and that's a little like struggling helplessly instead of finding ways to improve things.  I'm going to continue working on The Plan for Living, because its giving some order to my life right now.  Plus, it helps distract me, a little, in a more positive direction.  And also, I feel like I need to pull back from some of the people and things that are adding to the stress of the change. Its either that, or speak my mind to them and offend them forever.  I wish I could find a way to be authentic without creating more stress or problems for myself.  Maybe I will work on that next...

The vertigo begins

About a month ago I had an expensive and drawn out experience in the ER.  And while I would like to say it was a colossal waste of time and money, it did rule out Big Bad Things.  Like stroke.  And heart attack.  But I felt a little foolish the entire time, as I was in a pediatric facility...

You can't pick and choose when and where you are going to need medical help.  Had I been at home, I would have opted for a family member to take me to the nearest adult ER, and give me a ride there and back, not rely on my overburdened co-workers to check in on me and bring me my stuff.  And, I would have chosen a bit more anonymity instead of everyone at work knowing I was in the ER.  It just so happens I had already scheduled an appointment with my regular doc the following Monday. 

She took one look at my medical record and said  "Well, looks like you had the Million Dollar Work-up".  And that was true - they ordered everything under the sun.  But I was in no position to refuse care.  As my nurse said,  "you're already here and you made us pretty nervous." 

Of course, my doc was not concerned with my symptoms.  So, now I have head and eye exercises, as well as "habituation exercise" to do daily, an incidental referral to an ortho doc for my tennis elbow, and I guess a little more piece of mind, with no extra pills to swallow.  But I'm sure when the bills roll in, I will feel a little ill all over again...

Life-changing magic

I read this book lately, as a gift from a friend.  And, as the book suggests, I made lists.  Wanna see them?  Sure you do.

Things I may or may not give a fuck about:
Keeping my house clean
Facebook
LinkedIn
Politics
Instagram
Reading the paper or watching the news
Exercise/walking
A healthy diet
My weight
Sports
Trying new foods
Church
Other people's opinions
Getting a pet
The state of our backyard
My blogs
Wine
Watching TV

People I may or may not give a fuck about:
Mother
My immediate family
The rest of my siblings
Neighbors (except for Joe and Carol)
Scout parents
Strangers at the store or pool
The bimbo who works the register at Old Navy
Donald and Hillary

Work-related stuff I may or may not give a fuck about:
The position I applied for (what was I thinking?)
Office gossip
People calling out
Departmental meetings
Students
PACT
Preceptoring
Parking
Raises
"Meeting our numbers"
Other people's drama

Family stuff I may or may not give a fuck about:
In-laws
chopping down our own Christmas tree every Friday after Thanksgiving
The yearly family photo
Stressing over holiday cooking
The kids' tree
Scout obligations
Going to church on holidays, or any day
Anything related to my siblings or half-siblings 
Spending time with my kids and Hubby
Planning vacations
Helping my kids to learn to be independent

******

That was a fairly interesting exercise, and since I have read that book, I find myself asking the question more often  "Do I really give a fuck about this?" before wasting a lot of unnecessary mental energy.  It's definitely a work in progress.