Money, marbles and chalk

Mark had a saying when we were newly wed - he'd sigh and say "money, marbles, and chalk" when we had money woes.  Money always seemed to slip right through our fingers on the way to Debt.  I  assumed the saying meant "using everything you have to make ends meet" and I was mostly right.  {it's actually the opposite of rags to riches}  Its been awhile since I've heard him use that particular phrase, but I recalled it on Tuesday when we had the dishwasher repaired to the tune of $225.

Home repairs are usually something we can do, but replacing a drain pump in the dishwasher isn't one of those.  I guess it was cheaper than replacing the whole darn thing, but it greatly annoys me that it had to be done as the thing is only about 3 years old.  We are hell on our appliances, for sure.  We've gone through two microwaves, three dishwashers, two stovetops, an A/C unit, 4 coffee pots, and  2 toaster ovens since we've lived at Rustown.  Sometimes I worry about what we will do, out in the country in Burnet, fending for ourselves and arranging repairs when we are old and gray.

What overwhelm feels like

My mother is having a tough time hanging in there after she totaled her pick-up.  To say we are worried about her is an understatement. She has a horrendous purple bruise that extends the width of her abdomen, exactly where the seatbelt kept her alive.  It is taut and has a knot on it, causing her pain when she moves a certain way.  Another on her breast is draining down towards her nipple.  She's shaky on her feet, cries easily, and says she doesn't "feel like herself".   At one moment she'll be stubborn and unyielding to offers of help or advice.  The next, she's crying - confused and frightened like a child, saying she wishes she could hide in a closet.  I feel a little overwhelmed with this as I'm sure she does, too.  I've never seen my mother this unstable, even after Jim died. 

A week after the accident I arranged to spend the day with her.  My plan was to clean off some spaces in her kitchen - I felt like it was key to her not losing so many things.  This bill, the driver's license, those keys...it's hard to stay organized with so much clutter.  I took "before" photos, assuming I could help make sense of her space.  But as the day wore on, the feeling of overwhelm paralyzed me.  This would take much more than a little cleaning and decluttering.  And she needed to be taken grocery shopping, to the bank, to the library...the afternoon slipped away.  What was I thinking?  I could straighten and clean all day, but in the end, if she isn't willing or able to maintain it, its all for nothing.  So I wasted time I could've spent just sitting and talking with her that I will never get back.  The feeling of overwhelm takes you out of the moment, unable to change direction easily.  Like swimming in mud with boots on.  I want to do something that will fix the situation, but sitting there in the midst of all that clutter made me realize how futile that is.

I think my sister is on overwhelm, too.  She keeps coming up with scenarios that are sure to cause both she and my mother much pain and unhappiness - her overwhelm manifests as panic.  My half-sister is also feeling the effects - Mother snapped at her and instantly she shut down, effectively limiting her ability to help.  And probably damaged their relationship. 

A truck accident that had everything and nothing to do with us has defined our future interactions with our mother and each other.  And the side effects are that we have each lost some of our problem solving and resiliency.  

That's what overwhelm feels like from here.