Whats the worst thing you've ever done?

Oh, man.  This will be hard to write.  Sometimes late at night my brain pokes me with a sharp stick, inviting me to re-live the things I've done.  Once its done, a softer voice inside says "you learned from it and won't do it again so why torture yourself?"    Things I am not proud of:

Yep, that's me.  A cactus.

*I once told a couple of men dressed as clowns that I had just found out I had cancer.  Why?  Because they were taunting me to "smile" at work as I was coming back to the department from doing something stressful.

*As a teenager I wrote all over my mother's wood paneled walls with chalk in huge loopy letters that my step-mother was a better mother than she.  Why?  Because I was having a very hard time and she didn't seem to care.

*I scared the living daylights out of Grayson by screaming at him over him stealing a Walkman out of someone's backpack at school and getting caught on a security camera.  Why?  Because I was shocked and disappointed and scared.

*I yelled at Dylan, scaring him (at age 4!) when I was at my wit's end trying to potty train him.  Why? Because I was very low on patience and probably exhausted.

*I pinched Chloe's butt so hard it made her shriek and run from the room on Christmas Eve in '95.  Why?  She was over-excited, tired, and misbehaving.

*We agreed to spanking Spencer for misbehaving in school, and Mark did it one day, leaving bruises on the child's rear and that was a mistake that we never repeated again.  Why did we do it?  We were inexperienced parents.

*I got into serious trouble in high school with my boyfriend.  I made poor grades in college and drank too much.  I push people away, including siblings.  I was a bad employee at several jobs in the past.

 even cacti bloom

I am not a perfect person, but I love my family, so it causes me pain to make so many mistakes.   Poke, poke, poke.  Most of these things are one-offs that I haven't repeated, so I did learn.  Still, on my deathbed, I have a lot to apologize for, even if I said sorry already.  Why is it so hard to give yourself a little grace and hear that soft voice more often?

My first job.

My first job, at age 15, was at a Baskin-Robbins in Galveston, Texas. Digging around in my photos, I realized I didn't have any pictures of this, but here's what I looked like at that age:

My hair was always long, no matter how hot it got in the summer!

Galveston in the 70's was a fun place - lots for teenagers to get in trouble with.  The beach was where we mostly hung out - riding bikes along the seawall, eating at Jack In The Box or Whataburger or Taco Bell, and working on our tans.  But having a job meant my summer free time was fairly well occupied.  In addition, I had some financial responsibility (and freedom) as my dollar or two weekly allowance was fairly small.  My hourly pay was something like $1.50 an hour, and most of it went to things like clothes, albums, and my cafeteria lunch card at school. I met other teenagers, got my first boyfriend, and ate all the ice cream I could.  To this day I remember the feel of the hot metal ice cream scoop in my hands and the smell of the deep freeze.  My favorite flavors were Jamoca Almond Fudge and Pralines and Cream.  I'm not sure I learned any valuable life lessons there, but it was fun.  And I guess it kept me out of trouble for a time.