Getting out there

There have been months on end where I have coccooned myself in my home, or on occasion, Chloe's apartment with Ted in my lap.  Seemed like a good idea.  Felt safe.

Its not like I never left the house, but lately its been less and less...

I'm thinking that it is working against me.  The weekend comes.  I make a plan to go somewhere. Overthink it, retreat.  Then the spiral starts: get bored, worry, drink, cry, cry some more, do nothing.

It only happens on weekends, but I think it is caused in part by me having such a boring life during the week.  I place too much emphasis on weekends, then I lose my focus once the weekend gets here.  And my lists of things to do aren't FUN things, so I'm busy.  Just not busy living life.

So I decided to switch things up.

I joined two groups on Meetup - one for ladies who like to drink beer and another that is a book club.  Not all of the activities happen on the weekend, so I still have time to make my own plans for going and doing by myself for two whole days.  But this is a start.

Meet new people, have conversations, maybe a laugh or two.  Breathe.

It feels really hard, which tells me I let this go too long.

But I have to start somewhere.

Happy Things for May 2022

Believe it or not, there are actually happy things happening in May.  I say this not only because had you asked me months ago, I might have been worried about how everything would shake out, and also because depression still had a grip on me.  But I refused to knuckle under.

I made it to summer!

1.  As of this post, I may actually have a buyer for Darby (the Winnebago).  FINGERS CROSSED.  This is actually a happy and sad thing, I guess.

2.  The alarm system is once again functioning and monitored!   One more layer of home safety and it feels good to resolve these things.  Next up is either having the house painted or replacing the carpet and bathroom floors.

3.  Healthwise, I am feeling good.  I may have gained a little weight back, but I am talking care to make sure I eat healthy foods, get enough sleep, take my vitamins, and move more during the day.  I tried yoga, didn't love it, but I will continue with some stretching each morning.  My hair is growing like crazy - this time last year I hated my short hair, now I need a trim!

4.  My sewing and craft room is once again a sweet-smelling, well-lit, happy place to be.  I recently re-covered the chair pad, added a lamp, and bought a pretty desk mat.  I usually have soft jazz playing and that also adds to the calm, creative atmosphere. 

5.  The City of Austin's Big Trash Day is back!  I am so happy to once and for all empty the attic and garage of all the crap that still needs to go.  I want to know exactly what I own and  where it is - complete control over all of the things with space to move and breathe.  Life is complicated, but my "stuff" doesn't have to be!

Happy rest of May!

8 things not to say

 A list of eight things my friend(s) shouldn't say or do to a new widow.  Who is me.  And by the way, 9 months is new.  Real new.  Feels like yesterday.

this is how I feel. roar.

1.  Don't ignore the fact there was once a half of me - HIS NAME IS MARK AND YOU KNEW HIM and he was my person for 39 years.  Hearing his name doesn't cause me any sadness.  You don't need to worry about "reminding me" of my loss.  I will think about him and the life and love we had together every day for the rest of my life.  

2.  You can acknowledge my grief in your head, but if it can't come out of your mouth, I will assume you don't care and I will stop telling you things.  Saying "I've been here for you whenever you're ready" misses the point.  And if you ask me how I am and I say I'm struggling, and you let that drop? Go away.

3.  If somehow you are missing the obvious because you cannot read the tone of my response and do not understand because you yourself have never lost a spouse, please don't expect me to spell it out for you.  You may want me to respond to you in kind someday.  Use the Golden Rule as your guide.

4.  You cannot give someone support and space at the same time.  Those two things are mutually exclusive.  You literally have to ask someone what they need to find the answer.  You cannot pretend you can figure it out, just ask.  

5.  Don't tell me you're not rushing me and at the same time rush me.  If I told you that grief has made me a different person, believe me.  My timetable for life, as well as my general outlook has changed.  Maybe forever.  Giving me time is a good idea.

5.  Go ahead and offer to visit me, but understand I may say no.  Please don't push me if I give you a polite response that basically says "not now, I'm not good company, I will likely have to work that day" etc.  It just means no and I'm trying to not offend you.

6.  I haven't "closed" myself so you don't need to worry about me "opening up".  I talk about my grief often.  I cry often.  I talk about Mark often.  

7.  Don't approach every holiday with me by saying "I'm sure this will be hard".  Listen, daily life is hard.  Getting up and going about my life is hard.  Holidays/anniversaries/milestones are something I will always have to deal with the best way I can.  

8.  Don't tell me you don't understand how I'm feeling.   You don't have to have experienced this exact type of loss to show empathy.  If you've never felt this level of grief before, count yourself as lucky.