I have spent so much time over the past few months thinking "what do I want?".
It may sound ridiculous, but for so long, I didn't have that mindset. I was a married person, so all of my wants and plans were filtered through a marriage. Mark and I, for the most part, compromised on what it was we wanted to do with the house, the kids, the future. But he also had an agenda for how we were going to spend retirement, and he was hyper fixated on his plan. To the point that he hammered it home often. And really, there wasn't much space in there for me to give an opinion.
But that was then and this is now.
Sometimes it takes pain or discomfort or sadness from something to realize its no longer meant for you. I was wearing my snake boots at Highlands, doing a few things both inside and outside of the barn. Sweating half to death in the brutal heat and humidity, bugs in my face, the inside of the boot heel slowly scaping away my skin, and I thought "I don't want this". Really, any of it. I was willing, for our combined happiness, to think of Highlands as an acceptable retirement home. It truly is a place of beauty, and I will forever remember the time spent with Mark admiring long sunsets, peaceful breezes, and the wonder of the sky at night. But it also is a place of harsh weather conditions, cactus and tall grass with little dirt (mostly rock), country wildlife and insects, very hard work, and isolation. And there's no way now that I will ever use it for what it was intended.
And so. I do now know more about what I want.
