Embracing heartache

 When I was having dinner with Firstborn a while back, he mentioned he needed a wall calendar to stay better organized.  I find that amusing as I know I've given him plenty of those in the past and thought he wasn't really using them!  But I took advantage of a sale and create a photo calendar for all of my peeps as a gift for Christmas.  My idea was to use printed photos from our family photo albums - the funny and cute ones that they probably don't remember ever seeing.  I probably have enough photos to make calendars for years to come!  On the cover is this gem from 1990:

Which cracks me up every time.

I've felt mad for various reasons these past four years.  I think my brain was trying to protect my heart by allowing me to live in the anger.  It was easier (although not pleasant) to be mad than heartbroken.  Anger gives you energy to purge your garage and get shit done whereas heartbreak gives you tears and wasted days spent on the couch.

I want so much to move through this time in my life and emerge in a good place.  And I thought I was making good progress (sloooowly) until I was told I probably have complicated grief. So, there's more work to be done, for sure.  But I am determined.

All it took was going through the photo albums to see, really see, all of the losses - parents, in-laws, spouse.  Kids growing up and moving out.  The loss of me, too - the progression of sweet young thing to overworked and frustrated mom and wife to widow.  Its a lot to process.

I don't look through them all that often but every time I think "I wish Mark were here to talk to about this", which is ironic, no?

So my goal for these photos is to embrace the heartache and look through them with an open mind. Pull the photos out to look at them, but put the anger back into the box, and open up the possibility of more happy.  Because, there was a lot of happy back then and there can be more ahead, too.

Another Dumb thing, exhibit B

I bought a four pack of symphony tickets, thinking that it would be a great way to entertain myself and Get Out There.  All four tickets reserve the same seat for four shows spread out from now thru May of next year.  I didn't realize that the symphony would be playing the score along with a screening of the movie, but whatever, the music is so good and you almost forget that a live symphony is playing along to it!  The four shows are Return of the Jedi, Home Alone, Pirates of The Caribbean, and Video Games Live! (think Final Fantasy)
 

Got ready to go, drove downtown, secured parking, found my ticket on my phone, got a drink, then settled into my seat to people watch.  The lights go down and we are 5 minutes into the show when someone comes up to my seat saying its their seat.  Nope.  I pulled up a picture on my phone of my ticket to show to him. Both of us are confused.  He and his wife finagled myself and the two guys sitting on my right to scoot down 1 seat, so we agreed for the sake of minimizing the interruption.

Do you see where this is going?

I had the right row, right seat number, WRONG SECTION OF THE CONCERT HALL.

I was supposed to be in the upper balcony.

At intermission, the woman who asked me to move made small talk with me, asking me if I were there alone.  Perhaps she thought my group of nursing home seniors had lost one of their own.  I excused myself to go potty and asked a very nice usher about my ticket, and he pointed that that I was supposed to be in the balcony section, but told me to "sit anywhere there is a vacant seat because the view is better in this section".  So I did and enjoyed the rest of the show, having annoyed basically everyone on either side of me.

Ooops.

I will not repeat that mistake for the next three shows in this ticket pack...and I hope no one remembers me!

How I spend weekends now

Back then: I prepped all the weekend food and gathered supplies/gear/cargo on Friday. We packed up and left early on Saturday (no matter how tough the week was) and traveled to Burnet.  Breakfast at a favorite Mexican restaurant, then straight to Highlands. We worked on whatever projects we had going - anything from yardwork to building to painting to clearing out trash.  Hard stop at noon.  We showered, then traveled to a winery/brewery, picking up lunch on the way. We normally headed back to Highlands in the late afternoon to shower and nap.  We enjoyed a bottle of wine while we admired the sunset, building a good firepit.  I made dinner, we drank more wine, stargazed, and listened to coyotes, sometimes falling asleep in our chairs.  Next morning, I got up early to make coffee and watch the deer until Mark woke up, then I made breakfast. Normally we finished up a project or chore... in the afternoon, we either visited another winery/brewery, or stayed close to Highlands listening to music and sunbathing in our lounge chairs, always with adult bevvies. We ate snacks, did more napping, returned back to Austin in the late afternoon.  At home we unloaded the truck, I got dinner made and cleaned the kitchen, we ate and went directly to bed. I started my 40 hour work week the next day dehydrated, with bug bites, sunburn, and muscle aches.

 Life felt exhausting.

Highlands was lovely, but not the Shangri La for me that it was for Mark.

It felt like a punishment to have to work so hard on the weekends after a week of being on my feet running around at a busy trauma hospital.

Now:  I prep myself for the "workweek" on Friday afternoon, fixing three breakfasts, three lunches, vitamins and snacks.  I clean the bathroom, make sure the kitchen is in order and get to bed on time.  I wake at 5:30 a.m. to get dressed and ready to go by 6:30, clock in at 7 a.m.  Home usually around 7:45 p.m. and Sunday follows the same schedule as Saturday.  Clock in time is 8 a.m. on Mondays, and by 8:30 p.m. I am home eating a snack and throwing a load of laundry in - I feel very ready for a day off, but not exhausted or overwhelmed.  Tuesday through Friday is spent taking care of my home, getting exercise, appointments for self care and health care, and sewing/reading/errands, or sitting outside on my deck. Cooking is minimal, as is housework. No one gives me grief for wanting time at home. I don't drink all that much. Headaches are rare.  The job situation is much improved.

Life feels good.

My home sweet home is my sanctuary

When I think back on it, I realize that the weekends weren't as fun as I remembered.  But today Life is peaceful, even as I sometimes feel lonely.  All the naps in the world didn't fix the exhaustion of trying to "go and do" as well as care for two homes, 7 days a week. I miss the beauty of Highlands and the Texas hill country, but I love the beauty of this life now, right where I am.