Dream feelings #4 - Grayson to college

We are living in a big barndominium that has walls that do not connect with the ceiling, and I know we share the roof with another family on the other side of the wall.  Its only Grayson and I at home and I am trying to put him to bed for the night.  I hear voices in his room and discover there is another child there, one that I do not recognize, playing with Gray. They have these small cello-wrapped packages of small gadgets that look electronic, almost alien.  I cannot figure out what they are.  Happy Meal or Cracker Jacks toys?  I tell the other child he must go, its Gray's bedtime.  I must have ushered the kid to the front door because on the other side of the wall nearby I hear people laughing and talking.  I loudly shush them and they hush.  I return to Gray's room and he is sitting up in bed awake, so I tell him he really has to go to bed now!  I notice his bed is atop a platform that has multiple drawers below it.  In the drawers are not much besides small toys, trash, a sock here and there, none of it clean or organized and I wonder to myself when the last time was that I changed his sheets or cleaned his room.  I am back at the front door where two women who look to be adult mother and younger daughter, are showing me strings of outdoor lights with red bulbs.  They are dressed like straight out of the 80's and have dark hair.  The dream ends.

This dream actually made me teary eyed when I awoke.  I feel kind of torn up about Gray leaving home to go to college, but I know its past time for that to happen. The barndominium - what we plan on building at Highlands.  The gadgets - tied in to Grayson's his engineering plan.  The disorderly room - his current room! (and me trying not to mother him so hard) The dark haired women - me.  The light strings - some we have at Highlands that we replaced the bulbs in on Saturday.

Dream feelings #3 - motherhood?

I can't make this post short and sweet 

 

I am holding a fat baby covered in sores - or are they patches of eczema - and wearing a light blue onesie.  I don't recall ever bathing this baby - next time I need to tend to his sores.  We are at a long table with Mark next to me, and a 4 year old Chloe next to him.  There are many other people there and we are all seated at long tables.  I look over my left shoulder and see a large shape I can't quite figure out - its on a window ledge or window seat.  The colors are greens, yellows, browns.  I recognize scales and it starts moving.  I yell to Mark and he yells to everyone that it's an anaconda. It turns into a giant blue and black fish that swims in air.   Everyone is jumping up and screaming.  I am holding the baby who is getting really heavy and a lady rushes up to me, thrusting an old Blackberry out to me telling me to call the daycare right next to us while she goes to get help and warn them.  Why didn't she just take her phone?  I have a hard time remembering the number she is giving me and she repeats it several times.  She says to not press the last number until I am ready to call so I don't use up her minutes.  The last number is a four.  When I do this and call, a former co-worker picks up.  I tell her there is a problem at our daycare (so we are all at some sort of daycare) and that I have a baby by the way, and he sure is heavy.  I am struggling to hold him.  She laughs and says she will come right over.  I look back towards the building as I am standing outside of it and see a bizarre scene.  Everyone is in tattered rags, holding up some sort of animal over their heads with both hands, swaying.  (are those fish?  otters?  seals?)  The place looks post-apocalyptic.  The building are no more than shacks.  The ground is bumpy and covered in weeds.  Everyone is wearing tattered brown clothes.  The sky is a very weird color - everything looks so lifeless but there are so many people.  The dream ends.

Why am I having such vivid dreams?

Feeling bratty

I'm sure Mark is about done with me at Christmastime. I announced two weeks before Christmas that I was over it. And by the time it happened, I actually did feel over it.  

I don't know what to say that doesn't sound bratty.  Christmas seems to be getting a little less magical each year. I made a couple of gifts, which was fun.  We watched a few Christmas movies.  I got to visit an old friend and my mother - both nice visits.  Mark and I took a break and went to wineries that were festively decorated and happy places - super fun.  Way back when, when we were going to church on Christmas Eve it was nice some times, stressful on other times, and we decided to drop it.  But maybe we should find a way to add that in again.  And maybe I need to do an attitude check and think about all of the positives at Christmastime.  'Cause I sure don't want a repeat of a bratty Christmas.

Insomnia

I've been trying not to rely on anything to help me fall asleep.  The downside to those meds is that they make it hard for me to wake when my bladder is full.  Also, I wake up a little groggy in the morning.  So, I've been skipping them and it has led to me waking up multiple times at night.  Last night was no exception.  Weird dreams, waking myself up (!) with snores and hearing noises, getting up to pee twice, hearing someone (who?) running into a table.  Apparently Hubby heard that noise, too, and was up looking around.  It freaked me out a little and I could not fall back asleep.  That was around 4 a.m. and I was WIDE awake.  By 5, I just gave up on getting any more sleep and got up.  I made a cup of coffee, threw some things into the dryer, and settled in at my computer to read emails and such. 

By 7, I got up from my desk and unloaded the dishwasher while I perked a pot of coffee.  By 7:30, Hubby was up so I packed him a lunch and washed his work pants for next week since it was jeans day.  I also got my lunch and tote bag ready for the day.  By 7:45 I made the bed and straightened the bedroom.  By 8 I had the guys' Saturday dinners prepped and ready.  So I packed my weekend bag. 

At 8:45 I had Friday dinner done, cooling on the counter for me to cover it and put in the fridge.  Reloaded the dishwasher. 

By 9 the kitchen was clean and mopped. 

And by 9:20, I sat down with a leftover piece of pie for breakfast and typed this up.

I feel like a long day is ahead and I probably need to figure out what I can do to get better sleep.

Nature almost struck

Coming back to Highlands after dinner on Saturday I saw a snake disappear into the barn, right across from the door to the trailer.  "Snake" I yell.  "I think its just a rat snake though".  Mark:  "Oh yeah?  Where is it?  You mean this one in here?  RATTLING it's tail and coiling up like it's about to strike?!"  Oops - Yeah, I guess that's the one. Ten tense minutes, much yelling at Mark not to get bit, and a sharp hoe blade later

and Mr. Snake met his untimely end.

I'm kinda not in the mood for all this nature.  It's their land, not mine. They know all the hiding places and have the best defense weapons. We are the ones who allowed the mice to find a cozy home in the barn with the damn birdseed.  Mark and I are sorely outnumbered, possibly outsmarted.  And holy hell, I'm not ready to retire to Snake Hill!

Tom

 My brother in law passed a few weeks ago.  Tom, married to Mark's sister Sharon. 

 

At Mark's college apartment, 1984

 Though they were technically old enough to be our parents, we thought of them as just slightly older than us since they were young at heart.  Sharon and Tom took me under their wings and made me part of the family. 

At Mark's college graduation with his aunt Aagot and Uncle Ken, 1984

 Visiting us at our first apartment in Austin.

 At a UT football game - one of Tom's passions.

I was never all that close with Tom - he was a reserved kind of guy - but Mark was, and since I loved Sharon, I thought of Tom as family.  We visited them several times in Dallas while we were in college, then when the time came to marry, Mark chose Tom as his best man.

 The Best Man, 1985

  Once we had a couple of kids, we weren't seeing them often as they lived in Dallas and we in Austin.  We were poor, working full time, had our hands full with small children.  And by the time we had Baby #3 and Baby #4, we had gone through many changes in life.  We drifted from them and their two kids, who seemed to grow up in a blink .  Fast forward to 2015 and Sharon passed. A hop, skip, and a jump, and Tom followed.

Tom and Sharon, with Bryan and Paige

Tom and Sharon at Rustown, 2012

We were separated by so many things, and it was apparent  this last weekend at his funeral. I know a lot of folks want to give you advice to tell the people you love that you love them and spend more time with them while they are alive, but it doesn't always work out that way.  But I will hang on to all of the happy memories and speak their names with love.  

Loyal

You could argue that Mark should help my mother in any way, seeing as he is her son-in-law.  But this is the same woman who asked me if I was sure I wanted to marry him, because after all, Gina "you are a pretty girl".  In the background was my sister, bobbing her head in agreement.  I guess I've always had a stubborn streak, because I ignored them and went on ahead with my wedding plans.  Over the years my mother has softened, as she has come to know him.  But that doesn't mean there weren't some rough spots.

She was hyper-critical of him when he declined to be the administrator of her will.  And she roasted him over the coals pretty good when he broke (and immediately fixed) a picket in her fence by running into it with her riding lawn mower.  Recently he accompanied me to my mother's house and did the jobs I couldn't do:  rebuilding an asparagus bed and getting her computer up and running.  Prior to that, he has done many other similar odd jobs involving either yard work or home repair or computer work or insurance assistance.  He treats my mother with respect and love.  He's the son she never had.  A good husband and father for the last 33 years.  A kind and generous man who loves me no matter what and encourages me in my moral responsibility to her.  A loyalist on all fronts.  I hope someday she gets the chance to tell him how glad she is that he is in our lives.