Here we go again...

So, a couple or three years ago my sister and I were having one of our daily one hour phone conversations.  Frequently we would chat about Mother - one of the only things we actually had in common.  I remember we were saying that it was very hard to call Mother when we had a problem - she's one of those people who doesn't soothe you.  It's always been this way.*

I remember saying "Unless it's about her garden or chickens, she's not really interested".  My sister agreed, and at the time I thought that we had an understanding that our conversations were strictly between us, not to be shared.  We had agreed upon that, in fact.

Well, I was wrong. 

 The next time she spoke to our mother she told her "Gina doesn't want to hear about your gardens or chickens anymore".  

I cannot in any way, change the dynamic between my sisters, my mother, and myself.

 And yet, I want to have adult friendships with them.  I always wanted to help and I think my intentions are misunderstood.  Because you cannot make someone's life better by giving them advice and offering help they do not want.  

That nugget took me 55 years to learn.

I really thought that we could all move past the "past" and find some common ground, but all that does is reinforce the differences.  

In a phone conversation every now and then, my mother will avow that I said or did something that I did not, and I will think, "Oh. A sister is at it again".  

And when it comes up I always feel blind-sided.  No matter what I say, Mom will not let go of that misinformation.  Because she wants to believe that what she is told is the truth.  

It reaffirms what I have chosen to do for the past few months.  What I really miss is something I never really had.  And sometimes you don't get closure.   

Charming

I have always loved jewelry.  Pretty shiny things really speak to me, I guess!  Maybe it's because of how they feel, or rather how they make me feel.  One of my earliest memories of jewelry was of having a pretty birthstone ring - maybe I was around four or five.  I took it off to admire in the bathtub.  Oops.  I watched it drop down the drain never to be seen again. That was the first of many rings lost, including my mother's wedding band from my father, and 2 high school graduation rings.  Not to mention necklaces...and many, many earrings!

I've lost plenty of bracelets, too over the years - a sterling charm bracelet with enameled black cat charm that my mother gave me for Christmas when I was about 13.  A 14KT gold bracelet with multicolored jade and semi-precious stones linked by the Chinese symbol for lucky (ironic, I know).  A sterling Greek key bracelet.  A bracelet of gold heart-shaped links. A couple of simple 14KT gold chain bracelets.  What is it with me and bracelets?!

 

But this one - I vow to never lose.  I guard it carefully and I have it cleaned regularly so they can check the links.  it's a James Avery charm bracelet with 12 charms so far.  Two more and I will have no more empty links!  Putting it together has been an exercise in sentimentality.

This is the only charm not from JA - a Tab trailer charm for Mabel.

Each one of these has meaning for me.  I purchased them with someone or something very specific in mind.  A Christmas tree for Grayson.  The state of Texas for Spencer.  A cat to commemorate Sugar.  A double heart for Chloe.  A bat for Dylan.  No baby shoes or tiny heads on this bracelet for me!  No engraving either.  A store of people and things purely remembered.

A heart within a heart, and an infinity charm for Mark and I together.  A sand dollar for Galveston, horned toad for Lubbock.  A snowflake and a butterfly remind me of friends and the changing of the seasons.  Just two more charms to choose, but no limit to nostalgia and memories and love.