Verti-go-go

I was toodling along IH35 at highway speed when it started.  That feeling came over me, like an aura, then all at once everything jerked to one side.

I felt a little panicky, not gonna lie.  I knew exactly what was happening.  I griped the steering wheel and stiffened up, repeating over and over out loud  "No.  Not right now."

I started talking to myself like I was an observer of myself - "Put your hazard lights on.  Slow your speed.  Get over to the right as soon as you can, very carefully.  Pull into the first driveway to the right.".  I missed a couple of driveways, but once I felt like I was going slow enough, I found one and pulled into a shady spot.

Then I called work and told them I would be late, but I was very close by and would call when I got there. I sat there at least an hour, pretty much trapped in the car.  I opened the sunroof for air and leaned back in the seat.  Trying to breathe deep and not cry.  Hoping no one would come along and tell me to get out of the parking lot.

And gradually the world stopped spinning, and I made my way in to the hospital about 5 minutes away.  A little foggy headed still.  But alive.  And with resolve to do those habituation exercises daily.

Sunlight through the weeds

Last week was not good. 

*Dylan announced to us that he is moving in with his girlfriend - they've been dating for a couple months.  So now he will be legally bound by a lease to stay in the apartment for a year, no matter what happens in the relationship.  Plus, his car insurance went up and he now has rent and utilities to pay.  So he's talking about getting a second job. 

*My work bestie told me she was putting her house on the market and moving out of state.  While we don't actually work together anymore, we lean on each other for venting about work issues. And we help each other celebrate holidays and birthdays.  It's been great having that person in my life for 10 years. 

*My hearing seems to be deteriorating.  The right ear barely shows up for work anymore.  The tinnitus is  near constant, and I have been having vertigo now and again that scares me to death and makes me sluggish for the rest of the day.  Most inconvenient and possible fatal if I happen to be zooming down the interstate.  

*Hubby is stressing his job again..  Seems like for the last 5 years he's been in a life or death struggle with his job.  Maybe he's just telling me all of the negatives, and not thinking to share the positives, but he talks a lot about what we will do for Plan B.

*Spencer has boomeranged back home from a less than desireable situation so I am happy to provide a roof over his head.  We barely see him because he's always at work.   But his choices with money and vaping and beer send me over the edge. 

That's all I will dwell on for right now. Soon I will post about the happy things only.  I am trying my best to focus on the pros but that doesn't mean I want to bury my head in the sand about the cons.

bug bites

 I'm not a country girl, and I don't know much about surviving out there, but I will have to learn.

We spent the weekend at Highlands, working on the pumphouse shower, mowing, and collecting prickly pear fruit.  In the middle of the night Sunday I woke up with crazy itching on my feet!  The next day, when I got out of the car at the grocery store, the itching was driving me nuts.  I looked down and saw a war zone of bug bites.  Either chiggers or fire ants - both rampant out there.

Scratching them feels good for about 10 seconds, then the pain intensifies!  I thought I sprayed myself pretty well with Cutter, and I assumed since my feet were mostly enclosed, they were safe.  But when I switched to flip flops, I didn't spray again.  My bad.   Every now and then I think I'm not cut out for country life.  I like civilization, indoor plumbing, and all the conveniences.  I don't consider things like critters and bugs.  So when stuff like this happens, it seems like a painful learning curve.