Intentions

Mark had the best of intentions for us at Highlands.

Spencer learning the riding lawnmower

His plan was for us to eventually retire there.  He wanted to build a barndominium that we could lock up tight when we were traveling.  Something that could withstand burglars, crazy Texas weather, and the zombie apocalypse.  A place we could launch travels from, have a garden, sit and gaze at the stars.

There was a learning curve of sorts...

The rest was all minor detail to his grand plan.  For example, how to care for all of the things:  Darby, the land itself, the barn, the well and pump, the mower, etc.  He was pretty great at all of it, but he showed me how to do NOTHING.

It hasn't been mowed since a week before Mark passed.

And you know what they say about plans.  So here I am, three months into widowhood and there is so much I do not know about how to take care of Highlands. I can barely think about the future.  Its like my mind goes blank.

He's getting the hang of it!

When someone gently says to me "Mom, its ok, I will help you", I feel a little more hopeful.  I don't have to know it all rightthisminute, but I also don't feel like I have years and years to decide.  Its very overwhelming to me.  I may sound like a broken record saying that, but Mark and I never even discussed the what ifs. And he probably thought I would just sell it if I had to.
 No biggie, right?

When the sun is out, I feel hopeful.  I'm trying hard to think about it clearly and decide, in time, what it is I truly want, but that's not something I have done for so long.  

Happy things right now

Time to make a list of positive things so I can find perspective in the midst of all the negative.  

The happiest thing: I found the one

1.  Health-wise, I feel great.  I had some knee pain, so I bought some arthritis cream, started an Aleve regimen, and went on living my life. I am taking all of my meds as I should and am taking care of myself.  I am also sleeping just fine.  

2.  My car is running smoothly and gets great gas mileage.  Additionally, the truck is running well, is almost paid off, and is a safe way for me to travel to Highlands. I am staying on top of all of my obligations when it comes to bills and general upkeep of the house and cars.

3.  Ordering groceries for curbside pick-up is saving me grocery money, not to mention time.  Plus, we are eating only healthy foods that are intentional to the menus.

4.  My nails are growing like crazy.  And my hair is so grown out from that disastrous haircut that I now need a trim.  I'm not sure that that is health-related, but I feel like I look better. 

5.  My attorney is moving right along with all of the necessary filing.  The RV has not sold yet, but it isn't in my driveway, making me feel sad.  She is also helping me write my will, and once that is done, I will breathe easier.  I have my witnesses lined up to appear in front of a judge when we go to probate.  Lets get this done.

6.  This week I talked to a counselor in person at work and it felt very cathartic.  It inspired me to contact the EAP for my employer and get the ball rolling to see someone on a regular basis.  

I'm doing my best to focus on the positives.  This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life becoming a widow. I just have to keep moving forward.