Intentions

Mark had the best of intentions for us at Highlands.

Spencer learning the riding lawnmower

His plan was for us to eventually retire there.  He wanted to build a barndominium that we could lock up tight when we were traveling.  Something that could withstand burglars, crazy Texas weather, and the zombie apocalypse.  A place we could launch travels from, have a garden, sit and gaze at the stars.

There was a learning curve of sorts...

The rest was all minor detail to his grand plan.  For example, how to care for all of the things:  Darby, the land itself, the barn, the well and pump, the mower, etc.  He was pretty great at all of it, but he showed me how to do NOTHING.

It hasn't been mowed since a week before Mark passed.

And you know what they say about plans...  So here I am, three months into widowhood and there is SO MUCH I do not know about how to take care of Highlands, let alone what I plan to do with it.  I can barely think about the future.  Its like my mind goes blank.

He's getting the hang of it!

When someone gently says to me "Mom, its ok, I will help you", I feel a little more hopeful about the future.  I don't have to know it all rightthisminute, but I also don't feel like I have years and years to learn and decide.  Its very overwhelming to me.  I may sound like a broken record saying that, but Mark and I never even discussed the what ifs.  He had no idea that they were about to be reality.  And he probably thought I would just sell it if I had to.
 No biggie, right?

When the sun is out, I feel hopeful.  But grey skies are coming and I feel unsure.  I'm trying hard to think about it clearly and decide, in time, what it is I truly want, but that's not something I have had to do for so long...  

Happy things right now

Time to make a list of positive things so I can find perspective in the midst of all the negative.  

Here goes.

The happiest thing: I found the one

1.  Health-wise, I feel great.  I had some knee pain that causing me concern, so I bought some arthritis cream, started an Aleve regimen, and went on living my life.  It seems to be resolving, so yay for that.  I am taking all of my meds as I should and am taking care of myself.  I am also sleeping just fine.  

2.  My car is running smoothly and gets great gas mileage.  Additionally, the truck is running well, is almost paid off, and is a safe way for me to travel to Highlands. I am staying on top of all of my obligations when it comes to bills and general upkeep of the house and cars.

3.  Ordering groceries for curbside pick-up is saving me grocery money, not to mention stress from in-person shopping.  Plus, we are eating only healthy foods that are intentional to the menus, i.e. no junk food.  Also, less eating out, which is just fine.

4.  My nails are growing like crazy.  And my hair is so grown out from that disastrous haircut that I now need a trim.  I'm not sure that that is health-related, but I feel like I look better. I am paying attention to how I look in the morning before I leave the house.

5.  My attorney is moving right along with all of the necessary filing.  The RV has not sold yet, but that may be a blessing in disguise as there is the matter of transferring its title. In any case, it isn't in my driveway, making me feel sad.  She is also helping me write my will, and once that is done, I will breathe easier.  I have my witnesses lined up to appear in front of a judge when we go to probate.  Lets get this done.

6.  This week I talked to a counselor in person at work and it felt very cathartic.  It inspired me to contact the EAP for my employer and get the ball rolling to see someone on a regular basis.  

******

I'm doing my best to focus on the positives.  This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life becoming a widow.  Its hard to type it, let alone say it.  I thought it would happen years and years from now, so I was wholly unprepared.  I just have to keep moving forward. 

Small changes

 Had you asked me three months ago if I would be agreeable to major life changes, I probably would have said "NOT YET".  Not ready to retire.  Not ready to sell my home and move away.  Not yet ready to travel.  Or for so many other things, yet, I got pulled along into change anyway.  So, I decided I could struggle and weaken*, or I could move through it.  (notice I didn't say "get over it")  I started repeating to myself some of the things I thought I could hear Mark say if he were still here.  For example: "Expect the best, for optimism is a magnet for good luck".  In fact, I even cross-stitched that for a frame for his desk.

Anyway, back to the changes...

I get a little set in my ways.  I like the comfort of a routine and a plan.  And making major changes isn't something I am prepared to do just yet, so I think it will be awhile before I figure out what to do about my job and my house.  But there are small things I can do to "prep" myself for thinking about life another way, and making space for myself.  And silly as it sounds, the curbside thing at the grocery store is one of them.  Call it a baby step, but all of the meal planning, list-making, shopping, loading and unloading (mostly by myself) was becoming a burden.  Prior to July 23rd it was causing me a lot of stress.  So now I shop on line, pick up at curbside, unload the car, Chloe helps me unbag it all, boom we are done.  Cross grocery stress off the list with this one small change.

*He also used to say "Its a great life - if you don't weaken".