the turning point

 I've been talking with a counselor every other week now.

And each time we talk, its like someone parts the curtains a little bit more and I can see outside of the window a bit better.  And little by little I feel more hopeful about the future.

And last week I realized I felt stronger.

I think I still have a ways to go, BUT.  It feels like a turning point.

Next week is the meeting with the judge to probate the estate, and I imagine that may feel stressful so there might be tears.  But I feel like something has changed in this grieving process.  I cry less often, I sleep well, I'm able to focus at work, and I have stopped talking out loud to Mark like he's here.  Because he isn't.

I reject the idea that this could last for several years.  I will put in the work to get beyond my grief; it isn't going to define me for the rest of my life.  I will always love and miss Mark, and I know that sometimes (a lot of times) I will feel sad that he isn't here.

But I'm at a turning point in this and I want to keep going!

The grief tunnel

In a recent conversation with the counselor, she suggested that moving through grief was like going through a tunnel.  She said a lot of the time it is dark, you don't know where you are going, but you just have to go forward.  There may be others traveling that tunnel, but they are not traveling with you - you are making this journey alone.  Some of those others will give up because it is too hard to go forwards anymore.  So they maybe just sit and don't make any progress.  They get stuck in the grief tunnel.  So now you have to decide: do you sit too, or do you keep going?
 

She said that by no means is it an easy journey, but like all journeys, it will lead to something.  You will eventually walk out of the tunnel into bright sunshine and life will be open to you, full of possibilities.  And those possibilities will be things that do not include your lost loved one, even though you held them in your heart during the journey.

What struck me the most about this is the sunshine part - knowing there will be happiness again.  My grief won't last forever because I am going to do the hard work of moving through that tunnel.