GriefShare

I ended up not completing the Grief Share class.  Got about halfway through and thought "this is not really how I want to spend my time off".  I feel like: 

*I couldn't make it apply to my life - I think I am nearing the end of the tunnel*

*It was waaaay too preachy and the content was not all that helpful

*It took a 2 hour chunk out of one of my days off where I could have been doing things for myself

*Some of the people seemed "stuck" in their grief and I really want to be around people who can show me how to move forward 

And another thing that was a red flag for me was that some of them stated that this was their 2nd or 3rd time to do the course..why wasn't it helpful enough the first time?

The facilitator was going to do a "Surviving the holidays" thing on the 20th, but I had plans with a friend for that day.  She was disappointed that I thought the class was not the right fit, but its not about how she feels about it that is important to me right now.  I have to make my own way; my tunnel has had many twists and turns.  I don't think there is one approach to this grief thing that works for everyone.  So I can keep trying things that people suggest, but I will drop them if they don't suit my situation.  And bit by bit, I'm still going forward.

*I could be wrong about this...

Dream feelings #7

 Back story:  I've spent a fair amount of time lately stewing about this broken pipe at Highlands and have been given advice that I think is wrong,  by people who don't really want to be bothered thinking about it, so I'm just going to formulate a plan of my own to deal with it.  I came up with one in my mind yesterday and I know my dream has something to do with this issue.  It has to be done before anything else happens out there to get it ready to sell - with no water up at the top of the hill you cannot even mow.  Everything is too dry and all of the dry grass and piles of brush are a fire hazard.  

It can be fixed.  I will attempt to do it myself.

The dream:

Our entire family (the four kids were young enough that Dylan and Grayson were pre-school/toddler) were gathered on a beach, waiting to gain possession of something we had rented.  We were on vacation? It required some assembly - connecting tubing of some sort (made of pvc pipe) but it wasn't working.  The managers/owners (there were three) were saying something about a part being repaired, sorry, you can't use this today.  I lost my temper and told them they were stupid!  Meanwhile, Mark was leading the kids over to a spot further down the beach where he was asking about what part was being repaired so he could get a better understanding of the issue.  I thought to myself during the dream - yes, that's a better tactic.  We walked through some caves with low standing water.  It was a large cave with platforms.  At one point you had to go underwater.  Amazingly, we all did.  We had almost reached our destination when I realized the youngest child was not with us.  I'm not clear though on whether it was Grayson or Dylan.  I panicked a little and thought Oh, God I hope he isn't drowned already.  I made my way back towards the beach, feeling frightened of drowning myself now that I was traveling alone.  Instead of taking the route underwater, I took a slippery sloped roof access in the cave and jumped into shallow water feet first, then headed towards a ladder heading further down.  That's where the dream ended.

Notes:

*Obvious reference to broken PVC pipe and water

*Me panicking, feeling angry and sad, and not thinking a problem through calmly right off the bat is sort of my thing lately.  Its like my mind has to process it s l o w l y.

*Mark leaving, the kids viewing him as their leader - I feel like I'm doing a poor job of keeping my shit together as family matriarch

*We took one vacation as a family - ONE - and it was to a beach

*Worry at the back of my mind about Grayson and Dylan, specifically

*Facing my fears and doing what needs to be done

*ladders - standing on them several times the past few months has done my janky knee no favors

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Its been since 2019 that I have felt the need to write down a vivid dream, which is amazing to me as so much has happened in the interim, you'd think there would be no end to the amount of material my subconscious has to dream about!