Making space

I finally emptied out Mark's nightstand drawers.  It wasn't that it was hard to do, its just that it wasn't at the top of my list of things to work on.  But last weekend I wanted that feeling that I am actually in control of my life.  I wanted to be able to clear a space or a closet or a drawer or SOMETHING. Every week the progress is finally starting to become clearer.   While I'm working on it, if I let my thoughts go down a certain path, I feel anger towards him... for allowing our home to become so full of useless (to me) shit.  For refusing to help me purge it and organize it, instead making me in charge of making everything fit so we would still have room to raise four children here. For not taking care of himself and literally letting himself die instead of visiting the doctor like I asked him to.  For making this problem mine now, fully mine, in a future that is completely different from the one we planned to spend together.

I find a personal item and it brings it all back full circle.  He is gone, and he does not care about any of this stuff.  He did, in the past.  He does not now.  All of the things here belong to me now.  Yes, it is a burden and a chore, but it feels so good to let these things go.  Guilt-free.  The camping crap?  Going.  The electronics?  Going.  All of the clothes, coats, shoes, gimme caps. Gone.

So, so much stuff in the garage that defies description.

This pair of eyeglasses I remember well - I thought they looked great on him.  They are now going to bless someone else who needs glasses, next month when I go for my own eye exam.  Keeping all of the the things and having to organize them, move them, and see them forever makes no sense to me.  It keeps me rooted in the past, and that's not where I'm headed.

Addition by subtraction.  Making space for the future me.

Its a great life...

 ...if you don't weaken.  Something Mark used to always say.  He wasn't one to feel pity for himself or stay down in the dumps for long.  I would label him an optimist, for sure.  No telling how he would have handled being a widower, though.

Dylan found this pic of me on an SD card in Mark's camera.  Something I tossed into a bin of electronics not realizing it might have photos on it.  It was 2019 and we were at a new-to-us winery, having a great time sitting outside and sipping wine.  It was the only photo like it on the card.  All the photos before that were a Christmas party with his office, and all the photos after that were the barn build-out.  A moment to pause, and he looked at me and thought to take a photo.

It was a great life, we had a great time the last few years we were together.

And I guess it can still be a great life, if I just don't give in to sorrow and weaken.

Dream feelings about Mark

Me and my "handyman" 

     I'm the independent sort, but I have been thinking lately about all of the things Mark isn't here to help me address, and how sometimes it can get overwhelming.  So, of course I had this dream:

     I had a gaping and jagged edge hole in my floor and Mark was suddenly here, fixing it with his table saw and some plywood.  He didn't look the same - had longish hair and was thin, and he didn't say much, but I knew it was him and I was relieved that he was taking care of it.  I thought: wait - this is impossible, it can't be. But other people were also in the background of my dream and they saw him, too. I woke up from this very short dream and I felt so sad I immediately started crying.  Trying to shake myself out of it was hard - it stayed with me all day.  In conversation with three people that day, I mentioned it.  I got very mixed results!

To Friend #1 I just told her I dreamt about Mark.  She responded with "hope it was a positive experience".  I told her how sad it made me feel, and she immediately ended the convo with "well, I hope the rest of your day goes well."

Friend #2 was much more understanding, pointing out to me that there is no timeline for grieving, don't downplay it for anyone, and this was likely part of that and not out of the norm.  She also reminded me that people who care about me hurt alongside me and are not just going to ignore what I am telling them with flip response. That was comforting to me, and I was able to put the dream out of my mind and get on with my morning.

Friend #3 is into dream interpretation, so she told me: dreaming about a deceased partner signifies you miss them and still grieve for them OR you are going through a major transition OR in your dream he is guiding you to address something you've been putting off.  She said the beneficial traits of him are being offered to me as a blessing from him.  That was also comforting to me, and all of it made some sort of sense.  She also said whether you fix something yourself or hire someone to do what Mark used to, you got this. 

     I so wish I felt like I got this - some days I almost do.  And some days I think "I wonder would Mark would think about this situation?  What would he have done?  And I wonder if he would be proud of me for how I have managed so far?"

Doing what I said I would never do

I don't know if there are any moms out there reading this blog who said the same thing I did when I started my family: I am going to be the BEST mom.  I'm going to read all the books, and do all the things, and be really smart about it and show everyone HOW ITS DONE.  I'm going to walk the walk, talk the talk, stay married, put in the hard work, love those kids with all my heart, kiss and hug them every day and do my best to raise the worlds best humans! 

I'm going to feed them right.  I'm going to make sure they have decent clothes to wear, medical and dental care, the right kind of carseat, Santa Claus, birthday parties, braces, swim lessons, sports, lots of photos in their baby books, and manners.  I'm going to make sure they are baptized, immunized, and prioritized in my life.  I didn't think it would be easy, but I meant all of it.

Until recently I was feeling good about my mothering.  But something about losing Mark really changed me, and not in a good way.  I became unable to remain an effective mom, because I was forgetting that I'm not a confidante to my kids.  They are not my peers.  And if there were parenting issues that Mark and I did not agree on, those things need to stay confidential between Mark and myself.  If we never got around to reconciling them, well too late.  

I discovered that I am human and very flawed, and maybe grief has only magnified that.  Or maybe its that being without him makes me somehow more me, which is somehow less.  So, I am going to very gently step back.  That's very hard.

They need to heal from losing Mark as much as I do, each of us in our own way, because the loss is not the same. And I think that the best thing we can do for each other right now, is give each other space.

I said I would never hurt them.

And I feel like I have done a less than stellar job of being their mom lately.