One thing I want to remember about Mark and Mom*

 Mom

     She had such strength.  She may have cried and felt immense sadness, but she always managed to "pull her socks up" (her words) and get on with the business of life with great dignity.  As a single working mom, she set such a strong example for me and I try every day to think of that as I navigate this whole messy grief life.  Did she feel her losses deeply?  Yes.  Did she manage to create a life for herself just the same?  Also yes.  And she never forgot Jim, a big loss.  She forever loved and missed him, but carried on bravely with faith.  She was a powerful force in my life.

Mark

     His love for me was true, steadfast, and strong.  He never stopped loving me, even when I was un-loveable.  He may have been cross with me at times, but it never changed how he felt about me deep down inside.  No matter whether he harbored some regret in his life over choices he made, I always knew where I stood with him.  Did I push his buttons? Yes. Did he push mine? Also yes.  I hope I was able to express to him how much he meant to me.

The best things about two of the best people, who I miss deeply.

*I'm following a series of prompts for a few posts.

Is home wherever Mom is?

 Last year I wrote a carefully worded and heartfelt Christmas card to my grown kids and included it with a mountain of Christmas goodies, a meaningful gift of Mark's pocketknives, and fun Santa hat stocking stuffers. {was I still trying to "make" Christmas for them because I felt terrible still that they had lost their Dad?  Possibly.} I asked them to please stay close, lean on each other, and let me know how things are in your world because I still want to "mom" you through these tough times.  And what was the upshot of those cards, do you think?

Not only did no one respond to them, but a week later on New Year's Day, my daughter informed me that she wasn't coming over for dinner because she was ready to move on with her life.  The others, though they made a point in asking me if I were going to make Ham Balls (which I did) just no-showed, no-called.  Were my feelings hurt?  Yes.

And so its been almost a year.  And I feel as though I only hear from any of them when they need a haircut, a dog sitter, a place to live when their relationships fall apart, or phone/car/food.  But offering to continue providing for them in a one sided relationship was not was I was suggesting in that card.

Mark was only the first wave of a tsunami of change that has hit my family, and I see that clearly now.  There will be other waves to follow.  I can either let them drown me, or I can build a raft (life).  Home may be wherever Mom is, but Mom has to decide for herself what that future home will be and how I manage the relationships in it.

Gina