Thinking about holiday gifting

I am already thinking about the holidays and what I want them to look like.  For the last couple of years, I have written notes in my day planner about how much I spent, what I did, and how I felt about the holiday in general.  The goal is to move gracefully through the holidays, finding meaning, and having a connection to those I love.  Gift giving is part of that.  In the past, Mark and I did not always succeed at the whole gift-giving thing, for our kids or ourselves.  As the years went on, we had more money to spend, but the gifts felt less thoughtful somehow.

Case in point: the Yeti blanket that I thought would be fun to keep in the truck to use at Highlands for picnics, or at wineries in case of limited seating. At $200 it was not a cheap purchase, but came with its own zippered case, making it totally portable.  The minute he opened it he asked "what is this for?".  In my defense we were all about the picnic-ing life at the time.  Sipping a glass of wine, enjoying charcuterie, listening to music... These were things I enjoyed with him, so splurging on something that supported that activity seemed worthwhile.  I think we used it once.

But it missed the mark as a gift, no pun intended.

So now, its my "lay out in the backyard sun by myself" blanket.

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I'm sure I'm not the only person who hasn't gotten the knack of gift-giving down over the years, and I think that's normal.  I just want to enjoy the holidays with more intention. I want the people who I choose to spend time with know that they are important to me, and gifts are such a small part of that.  But I would love it if they could be delighted, knowing I have given it some thought. 

The biggest project

 Its coming up on three years since Mark died.  I think about how different life is now and how much has stayed the same.  Along with change with my house, there have been changes in myself as well.  I would love to say I have weathered these changes with grace, but most times I felt like I was just being pulled a long in a raging flood of muck.

One of the best things to happen is that I am focused more on my health than I have ever been.  Lip service gave way to real improvement.  And it shocks me to realize how badly I was taking care of myself before.  What was I thinking.

I remember talking to Mark about changes we needed to make in our life and sometimes he was on board, other times, not so much.  There were things that had needed to be done at Rustown for years that we didn't get done, simply because all of our resources were going to Highlands.  And the same can be said about health changes we needed to make.  It kind of makes me feel sad when I think on it. 

All that love poured into Highlands and so little into ourselves.

All I can do is move forward with what I need to do in life.  Not just for my home, but for myself as well.  And that has become the biggest project of all.