One day I was standing at the stove, singing along to music and cooking dinner when the random thought popped into my head that Mark was still dead. At the time, I did not make the connection between cooking and Mark. I let that realization sink in, then went right back to the music and cooking and didn't think about it again until the therapist asked me something that sparked a memory. Then I had an epiphany of sorts.
At the beginning of the summer the whole planning, shopping, preparing, and cooking thing made me feel rageful. I chalked it up to the heat, and my recent focus on my health, weight, and depression. And the boys didn't need me to feed them - they are adults. But I think it goes deeper than that.
The trick will be...what to eat if I'm not cooking?
When Mark died, I was suddenly in charge of everything. There were times I felt overwhelmed. and it became a sore spot in my heart. I am handling things, but I feel resentful of all of the added responsibilities. I can't let all of those responsibilities go - I'm still in charge of the house. But cooking is one of the things I can. It doesn't change the reality that Mark is still gone, and I get that. But just like emptying the garage and selling Highlands, it gives me a little bit of control over some things in my life. I can either be crushed under the weight of these things, or liberated by the freedom to decide how to deal with them. It doesn't make it easier either way, but I think the choice is clear.
