One day I was standing at the stove, singing along to music and cooking dinner when the random thought popped into my head that Mark was still dead. At the time, I did not make the connection between cooking (which I have felt angry about lately) and Mark. In any case, I let that realization sink in, then went right back to the music and cooking and didn't think about it again until the therapist asked me something that sparked a memory. Then I had an epiphany of sorts.
At the beginning of the summer I suddenly felt "over" cooking. In fact, the whole planning, shopping, preparing, and cooking thing made me feel rageful. I chalked it up to the heat, and my recent focus on my health, weight, and depression. And the boys didn't need me to feed them - they are adults. But I think it goes deeper than that.
The trick will be...what to eat if I'm not cooking?
When Mark died, I was suddenly in charge of everything. There were times I felt overwhelmed. In fact there are still things to get rid of or sell, things to fix around the house. Over time, this has become a sore spot in my heart. I am handling things as best I can, but I feel resentful of all of the added responsibilities. Truth be told, I was feeling that before he died, but as in most marriages, we assumed roles and responsibilities that lasted for years. It was a subject I wanted to broach with Mark and work on changing so that we were equal partners in all aspects of our life together. We just never got to do that.
What control do I have over that now? I can't let some of those responsibilities go - I'm still in charge of the house. But cooking is one of the things I can.
It doesn't change the reality that Mark is still gone, and I get that. But just like emptying the garage and selling Highlands, it gives me a little bit of control over some things in my life. It puts me in a position where I can either be crushed under the weight of these things, or liberated by the freedom to decide how to deal with them. It doesn't make it easier either way, but I think the choice is clear.
