One day I was standing at the stove, singing along to music and cooking dinner when the random thought popped into my head that Mark was still dead. At the time, I did not make the connection between cooking and Mark. I let that realization sink in, then went right back to the music and cooking and didn't think about it again until the therapist asked me something that sparked a memory. Then I had an epiphany of sorts.
At the beginning of the summer the whole planning, shopping, preparing, and cooking thing made me feel rageful. I chalked it up to the heat, and my recent focus on my health, weight, and depression. And the boys didn't need me to feed them - they are adults. But I think it goes deeper than that.
The trick will be...what to eat if I'm not cooking?
When Mark died, I was suddenly in charge of everything. There were times I felt overwhelmed. and it became a sore spot in my heart. I am handling things, but I feel resentful of all of the added responsibilities. I can't let all of those responsibilities go - I'm still in charge of the house. But cooking is one of the things I can. It doesn't change the reality that Mark is still gone, and I get that. But just like emptying the garage and selling Highlands, it gives me a little bit of control over some things in my life. I can either be crushed under the weight of these things, or liberated by the freedom to decide how to deal with them. It doesn't make it easier either way, but I think the choice is clear.
I think the feelings of being overwhelmed by all there is to do is common. I remember my sister having a hard time with it, and she lost her husband and our mother within about a year also. I'm glad you are talking to someone. I'm glad you are giving yourself a break from cooking. You deserve care and kindness, especially from yourself. Hugs, Kathleen
ReplyDeleteSome good food for thought. When I brought things in from Greg's house, then recently added a trunk load of fabric from a lady that was clearing out, I have now overloaded 2 bedrooms upstairs to the point I can't function in them. I just can't come up with the energy to organize it all. The way I control it now is to not go upstairs and look at those 2 rooms. That's not a solution. I need to think about your words on "control."
ReplyDeletei am new to you, this is my first time reading and commenting. i love to cook but have often thought, i would not cook a "meal" if i were alone. i understand feeling stressed about being alone, my husband does much more than i do and i would be lost without him...and i adore him!! you have 2 sons, i wondered if they live with you or have left the nest??
ReplyDeleteTwo are here with me, but I have two other older kids - another son and a daughter. The two that are with me are looking for apartments. Even though I do not cook for them, its nice to have them here. (:
Delete