Not just a couch

Scout came over to help me move the brown leather sectional ca. 2005 out into the garage, in preparation for the new couch being delivered.

What. A. Beast.

Besides being a supremely uncomfortable couch, it was super heavy, bulky and difficult to get through the front door.  As it's last act of vengeance, one of its connecting posts managed to scrape the hell out of my knee.  I guess that was a small price to pay.  A couple of days later, I was able to slide it out onto the driveway by myself...

..where a group of what looked like 4 frat boys in a pick-up truck loaded it up and out of my life forever.  That was the second couch we had bought together, Mark and I.  I think we paid $1600 for it on sale and it did actually work for it's intended use for 20 years.  It was a beautiful chocolate brown and the leather was high quality.  But it was so big, and gave me back pain every time I sat on it, and I hated it about as much as he loved it.

Fast forward to the new couch being set up.

I have never bought a big piece of furniture by myself.  It felt weird, and maybe a little scary to not have someone to consult with on this big purchase. No one else to help me figure out how big it should be, what color, what style, how to pay for it, etc.  In the end, I think I did a good job.  And maybe what this teaches me about myself is that I can do these things, like the adult that I am.

Its not just a couch.

Its a way to reaffirm for myself several things.

I am capable of managing the things in my home, making choices about how I want it to look, and deciding how to manage all of the specifics.  It would be so great to have him here to help me along the way.  But that's not possible.  So the next best thing is to move forward with clarity, determination, and faith in myself.  I hope he would be proud of me, but I am making myself proud, too.

Shoulder woe

...otherwise known as me documenting this problem.

The starting point was scrubbing the back deck this summer.  But I did plenty of other things in my burst of summer energy.

The pain progressed as I did more and more around the house.  Mowing, painting, lifting heavy things...all did me no favors.  I saw the ortho doc for a Kenalog shot and got referral for physical therapy in July, followed by PT for a month, then chiropractic and massage care.  At this point, I think I will need to scale back on activities until my shoulder pain settles down.  Maybe use my non-dominant arm more, as suggested by the masseuse.  The pain from this is awful - feels like bone on bone.  My entire arm and lower neck hurts - the aching going all the way down my arm, which I assume is referred pain.  My neck muscles on the right side ache.

My plan:

*take it easy on home painting projects for awhile,

*use tylenol and motrin,

*use cold and heat packs,

*get back into home PT exercises

I'm going to drop the chiropractor because pain = inflammation.

  I would love to avoid a surgical solution, but I'm not sure that's possible.

This getting old thing....its not for the weak.

 

Hi, I miss you

Do you miss me, too?

what was he contemplating, I wonder?

Tomorrow would have been our 40th wedding anniversary, and almost 44 years together.  Its weird to me that we began so long ago, because I remember it well.  It somehow seems more recent than 44 years, and I feel like I do a better job of recalling those memories than I can of last week!  I wonder if Mark ever thought about everything we had weathered and marveled at it.  We hit year 35 and I thought we would be in it for The Long Haul, death do us part and all that.  Just not at age 60.  That plot twist snuck up on me.

I treasure the independent life I have built, but would gladly give that up to have him back.  No amount of closet space is worth it.

I think about him often, and I'm just now to the point where it doesn't make me yell or cry.  That wasn't doing me any good anyway.

I'm not mad at him anymore, but I often think how tragic it is that he was so obstinate at the end to the point that he would delay seeking medical care.  Didn't want me nagging him.  And it is 100% not my fault, but I shouldn't have backed down.

If there is a heaven (and I do think there is *something*), is he there, waiting for me?  Will he come right up to me, kiss my cheek, and welcome me?  Is he there now, waiting?  All philosophical questions, with no answers - I get that.

But how I would love to get a message to him:

I love and miss you, and so do your kids.  And we hope to see you again someday.

Happy Anniversary, Honey.