Hi, I miss you

Do you miss me, too?

what was he contemplating, I wonder?

Tomorrow would have been our 40th wedding anniversary, and almost 44 years together.  Its weird to me that we began so long ago, because I remember it well.  It somehow seems more recent than 44 years, and I feel like I do a better job of recalling those memories than I can of last week!  I wonder if Mark ever thought about everything we had weathered and marveled at it.  We hit year 35 and I thought we would be in it for The Long Haul, death do us part and all that.  Just not at age 60.  That plot twist snuck up on me.

I treasure the independent life I have built, but would gladly give that up to have him back.  No amount of closet space is worth it.

I think about him often, and I'm just now to the point where it doesn't make me yell or cry.  That wasn't doing me any good anyway.

I'm not mad at him anymore, but I often think how tragic it is that he was so obstinate at the end to the point that he would delay seeking medical care.  Didn't want me nagging him.  And it is 100% not my fault, but I shouldn't have backed down.

If there is a heaven (and I do think there is *something*), is he there, waiting for me?  Will he come right up to me, kiss my cheek, and welcome me?  Is he there now, waiting?  All philosophical questions, with no answers - I get that.

But how I would love to get a message to him:

I love and miss you, and so do your kids.  And we hope to see you again someday.

Happy Anniversary, Honey.