Intentions

Mark had the best of intentions for us at Highlands.

Spencer learning the riding lawnmower

His plan was for us to eventually retire there.  He wanted to build a barndominium that we could lock up tight when we were traveling.  Something that could withstand burglars, crazy Texas weather, and the zombie apocalypse.  A place we could launch travels from, have a garden, sit and gaze at the stars.

There was a learning curve of sorts...

The rest was all minor detail to his grand plan.  For example, how to care for all of the things:  Darby, the land itself, the barn, the well and pump, the mower, etc.  He was pretty great at all of it, but he showed me how to do nothing.

It hasn't been mowed since a week before Mark passed.

And you know what they say about plans.  So here I am, three months into widowhood and there is so much I do not know about how to take care of Highlands. I can barely think about the future.  Its like my mind goes blank.

He's getting the hang of it!

When someone gently says to me "Mom, its ok, I will help you", I feel a little more hopeful.  I don't have to know it all rightthisminute, but I also don't feel like I have years and years to decide.  Its very overwhelming to me.  I may sound like a broken record saying that, but Mark and I never even discussed the what ifs. And he probably thought I would just sell it if I had to.
 No biggie, right?

When the sun is out, I feel hopeful.  I'm trying hard to think about it clearly and decide, in time, what it is I truly want, but that's not something I have done for so long.  

Happy things right now

Time to make a list of positive things so I can find perspective in the midst of all the negative.  

The happiest thing: I found the one

1.  Health-wise, I feel great.  I had some knee pain, so I bought some arthritis cream, started an Aleve regimen, and went on living my life. I am taking all of my meds as I should and am taking care of myself.  I am also sleeping just fine.  

2.  My car is running smoothly and gets great gas mileage.  Additionally, the truck is running well, is almost paid off, and is a safe way for me to travel to Highlands. I am staying on top of all of my obligations when it comes to bills and general upkeep of the house and cars.

3.  Ordering groceries for curbside pick-up is saving me grocery money, not to mention time.  Plus, we are eating only healthy foods that are intentional to the menus.

4.  My nails are growing like crazy.  And my hair is so grown out from that disastrous haircut that I now need a trim.  I'm not sure that that is health-related, but I feel like I look better. 

5.  My attorney is moving right along with all of the necessary filing.  The RV has not sold yet, but it isn't in my driveway, making me feel sad.  She is also helping me write my will, and once that is done, I will breathe easier.  I have my witnesses lined up to appear in front of a judge when we go to probate.  Lets get this done.

6.  This week I talked to a counselor in person at work and it felt very cathartic.  It inspired me to contact the EAP for my employer and get the ball rolling to see someone on a regular basis.  

I'm doing my best to focus on the positives.  This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life becoming a widow. I just have to keep moving forward. 

This is Jean

My mother was given a name at birth that my great aunt did not approve of.  All these years I assumed that it was because there was a problem with the first name.  But it wasn't the first name that my great aunt took issue with.  My grandmother had my mother out of wedlock and initially gave her the last name of her former husband.  My great aunt said, no, you can't do that, it isn't his child.  To add insult to injury, she talked my grandmother into a new first name as well, re-naming the baby Jeannette.  Her expression in this photo was life-long for my mother, yet heartbreaking.  A solemn child, cold sore on her lip.  She was pretty cute actually, but probably didn't smile all that much.

My mother is a child of the depression, granddaughter of a Baptist preacher that referred to her as "the little bastard", born in 1930.  She will tell you she had a great childhood with memories of days spent playing freely in creeks and fields out in the country with an older brother and cousin. 

I believe her to be a highly functioning autistic person.

Photos were few.  My grandmother raised my mother and an older brother alone.  They lived in a house with no electricity or running water.  They caught or grew what they ate, including squirrel and such.  My mother was very different and she was treated like a little adult because she was so smart.  And people took advantage of her and she was mistreated at times.  She survived. 

She skipped a grade or two,  moved in with and married just before graduating high school at age 16, and had three kids by age 20.  She studied to become an X-ray tech - something she was very proud of.  Then divorced.  With the second husband, she gained two more kids.  Divorced again.

Started going by Jean.  Married a third time and had three more children.  Eight kids ranging in age from 18 to newborn, and a few step-children to boot.  I don't think it ever occurred to her that life was supposed to be different.  She divorced the 3rd husband.  Decided to learn this new thing - ultrasound - and continued to work.  She taught herself to crochet, sew, embroider, make quilts, work a garden, raise chickens, take care of children and a home by herself.  She read voraciously.  She lost one child, become estranged from four children.   At age 60 she went to Saudi Arabia to work, and met the love of her life while on vacation in India. She married one last time, at age 60, this time for real love.  Spent 10 years traveling the globe with him, enjoying their life even as they experienced various misadventures.  She saw what life could have been and she's been a little less heartsick over losing him each year that passes, but I believe that pain is always with her.

Some things we get to choose, others we do not. Everyone carries a burden - a cross to bear, physically, mentally, whatever.  And we can't yet know why God gives us the life we have.  Some of life's choices are up to us - but we don't have the benefit of hindsight right away - sometimes not until much, much later.  Giving someone the grace of forgiveness and acceptance eases the burden on both of you.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

Low Key Mostly Austin 35th Anniversary Weekend

 Hubby and I had all kinds of plans for this year, as did everyone else on Earth, I know.  It was supposed to be a Big Year for anniversary, vacation, birthday, etc.  And most of that has taken a backseat to a bunch of other crap that all of us could have probably done without.  But instead of crying about how we aren't getting what we want, I decided to make a plan for a weekend of just us, celebrating us.

Anniversary Wining and Dining

Friday

Possibly G is getting off early! (4:30 p.m.)

If so, head to Liberty Hill Beer Market for a bite to eat, followed by campfire at Highlands. (Maybe they will have live music!)

(If I don't get off early, I will package up dinner to travel, you can get the growler filled at The Growler Room and we just head to Highlands)

Saturday

Breakfast? We can make it at Highlands.

Lunch at Young's BBQ in Lampasas (open 11 a.m. - get extra BBQ for dinner?)

Maybe go to that store on the main drag

Wine at TNL, live music 2 – 5 p.m. (Wake Eastman)

Hang out at Highlands

Home to Rustown, toast with champagne and eat L.O. BBQ or catch a food trailer at one of the breweries

Sunday

Church at St Luke's 9 a.m.* (we need to be there at 8:30)

Brunch at Estancia at noon (Arboretum) grilled salmon? candied bacon? Creme Brulee? Charcuterie? Yes to all.

Hang out at Rustown, Napping and digesting

Movie at Lakeline Alamo Drafthouse (Save Yourselves) at 6 p.m. 

Monday

Stroll through Zilker Gardens ($12) and take pics

Go to the Capitol and take a pic on the star ($0)

Happy Hour at Polvos (Nueces location) 4-7 p.m. (margaritassss....yesss) I don't think we need reservations, but I can call

Pick up something for dinner at Central Market (scallops?, Caesar salad? a great dessert) that we cook at home OR find a place to eat dinner

I told Hubby he could add to this list and he said, no, it sounded great!

Whats the worst thing you've ever done?

Oh, man.  This will be hard to write.  Sometimes late at night my brain pokes me with a sharp stick, inviting me to re-live the things I've done.  Once its done, a softer voice inside says "you learned from it and won't do it again so why torture yourself?"    Things I am not proud of:

Yep, that's me.  A cactus.

*I once told a couple of men dressed as clowns that I had just found out I had cancer.  Why?  Because they were taunting me to "smile" at work as I was coming back to the department from doing something stressful.

*As a teenager I wrote all over my mother's wood paneled walls with chalk in huge loopy letters that my step-mother was a better mother than she.  Why?  Because I was having a very hard time and she didn't seem to care.

*I scared the living daylights out of Grayson by screaming at him over him stealing a Walkman out of someone's backpack at school and getting caught on a security camera.  Why?  Because I was shocked and disappointed and scared.

*I yelled at Dylan, scaring him (at age 4!) when I was at my wit's end trying to potty train him.  Why? Because I was very low on patience and probably exhausted.

*I pinched Chloe's butt so hard it made her shriek and run from the room on Christmas Eve in '95.  Why?  She was over-excited, tired, and misbehaving.

*We agreed to spanking Spencer for misbehaving in school, and Mark did it one day, leaving bruises on the child's rear and that was a mistake that we never repeated again.  Why did we do it?  We were inexperienced parents.

*I got into serious trouble in high school with my boyfriend.  I made poor grades in college and drank too much.  I push people away, including siblings.  I was a bad employee at several jobs in the past.

 even cacti bloom

I am not a perfect person, but I love my family, so it causes me pain to make so many mistakes.   Poke, poke, poke.  Most of these things are one-offs that I haven't repeated, so I did learn.  Still, on my deathbed, I have a lot to apologize for, even if I said sorry already.  Why is it so hard to give yourself a little grace and hear that soft voice more often?

My first job.

My first job, at age 15, was at a Baskin-Robbins in Galveston, Texas. Digging around in my photos, I realized I didn't have any pictures of this, but here's what I looked like at that age:

My hair was always long, no matter how hot it got in the summer!

Galveston in the 70's was a fun place - lots for teenagers to get in trouble with.  The beach was where we mostly hung out - riding bikes along the seawall, eating at Jack In The Box or Whataburger or Taco Bell, and working on our tans.  But having a job meant my summer free time was fairly well occupied.  In addition, I had some financial responsibility (and freedom) as my dollar or two weekly allowance was fairly small.  My hourly pay was something like $1.50 an hour, and most of it went to things like clothes, albums, and my cafeteria lunch card at school. I met other teenagers, got my first boyfriend, and ate all the ice cream I could.  To this day I remember the feel of the hot metal ice cream scoop in my hands and the smell of the deep freeze.  My favorite flavors were Jamoca Almond Fudge and Pralines and Cream.  I'm not sure I learned any valuable life lessons there, but it was fun.  And I guess it kept me out of trouble for a time.

How do you normally spend your weekends?

*I'm using writing prompts from Rustico and although I won't blog a post everyday, I will try to do it at least once a week!

Since we both still work full-time, Mark and I have only two full days each week to "go and do" together and we try to fill those days with as much exploring and relaxing as we can.  Sometimes that means we drive a bit - visiting new wineries, a brewery, or distillery and enjoy the beauty of Central Texas.  There's no one at home waiting for us and no one to tag along.  Sometimes we will meet my sister and BIL somewhere, but just as often its just us two.

Mark at Vista Brewing

When our kids were little, we had no money for such things, and weekends were a chance to catch up for the week on laundry, groceries, etc.  So we were mostly hanging out at home, though we also went to parks, the pool, and such.  When our family grew to six of us, I went on the weekend shift at work.  There was no way we could have afforded daycare for four kids in the summer.  Mark was the one shuttling them to scouting or swim team or bowling or karate or birthday parties on weekends. It  baffles me that people take kids to breweries and wineries.  With both parents drinking.  Not to be judgey, but even if we'd had the money to do that, we wouldn't have.

Highlands

Sometimes weekends are a time for hanging out at Highlands, listening to all of the "quiet" from our lounge chairs, enjoying a quiet firepit at night.  We might eat breakfast out at a favorite Mexican restaurant, or or work on some projects up there like the current barn build-out.  But mostly we recharge.  On Sunday afternoons we walk down to the swing at the far end of our drive for a view of the lake and just sit and talk about future plans.  Its very bittersweet to walk back up the hill, pack up the truck, and head back to Austin.  But we know that we have a cozy home to come home to, usually with a nice dinner.  

And since most weekends are over in a flash - we spend them like shiny new pennies!