Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Goals, and more goals.

So here is where I was at a few weeks ago for my goals:

*Get a bike and start riding it a couple times a week, keep working on the stairs
*Text my sister more often
*Plan our 30th anniversary weekend
*Keep up the healthy habits above
*Start another project around the house and see it through
*Visit The Girl and my mother a couple of times before Thanksgiving.

I haven't gotten the bike.  I have texted my sister more often but it really seems kind of empty and pointless.  Hubby and I had a great anniversary - didn't go any further than Dripping Springs, but we took Mabel, visited a winery, saw a movie, exchanged gifts, and ate a very nice meal out followed by a stroll up Congress to the Capitol.  Very low key.  I have started a diet and lost a few pounds, changed some habits, and generally wrapped my mind around changing up how I eat and move.  Gotta get ready for Turkey Trot!  I got the carpets cleaned and repaired (yay!) and got the den windows bug and gunk free (yay, again!)  I haven't visited The Girl yet.  But Hubby is in a touch and go situation with his job, so.  Budgets must be stuck to. For now.

Updated List will be:

Continue on with the diet and walking plan
Start making plans for the holidays
Get the bike for my birthday
Get some sewing and craft projects lined up
Read more often

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

I warned you I was going to keep it real...

In a recent convo with my mother (SHE called ME), she told me that the previous day she had mowed her yard, all the while wishing me ill will.  Now, I'm not one to let something strange like that pass.  I mean, my mother is 85, a fact that she likes to remind us all of quite often.  But that doesn't mean she's not in her right mind.  So I asked her exactly why she would take the opportunity of mowing her grass to wish me ill will, to which she replied "you'll understand when you're 85".
Ok, so I have two things to say about that.  I could say more, but I don't want to harp on it.

1.  WTF.  If you don't want to mow your own grass, why did you freaking buy a $1200 riding lawnmower?  (And for that matter a double size lot.  To retire on.) How about you sell the damn lawn mower and hire a service?  If you have money to hand out to one of my grown ass sisters every time she whines about being broke, you can afford to hire someone, even WITHOUT selling the mower.  After all, said sister is the one who talked you into buying the damn thing to begin with, telling you she would come mow for you.  Did you happen to wish her ill will?

2.  WTF.  Have you asked for my help with this recently?  Every time I visit I ask you what I can do to help you.  You never have a list of things I can do, even though I ask you every. single. time. to put one together.  The last time Hubby and the kids came with me to visit you, you put us all to work raking and mowing.  He accidentally backed the thing into your fence, then spent an hour or so running to the lumber store and repairing it.  It is an unsafe piece of equipment that is devilishly hard to drive.  And instead of thanking him, you went on and on about it, ridiculing him and in general, being ungrateful about it.  And yet you continue to remark that you need a teenager to come help you take care of your yard - the same grandmother who is not interested in her grandkids at all and lives a three hour roundtrip away.  My kids (who aren't even kids at this point)  don't want to visit you so they can be your yard slaves.  So I don't bring them with me.  I don't feel like that's the only thing they should get to do on a visit to grandmother's.  How about you spend some time with them?  Get to know them?  Yardwork not included.

If I have to listen to how it's hell to be 85 just one more time, I am going to offer to take care of her longevity for her.  Think that will knock some sense into her?   I'll be damned if I'm going to answer any more of her calls.  Letters are fine, thanks.  And as a matter of fact, I wrote her a letter telling her I would call her this week to see what day would be good to come so MAKE A LIST.  But mowing the grass, by me, will not happen. 
Damn.  Please Lord, don't let me turn into a hateful and bitter old person.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

I'm entitled to own them

People like to counsel you for feeling the way you do if it doesn't mesh with what they feel, or how they feel YOU should feel.  I find that to be offensive.  I mean, I own my own feelings, right?  However ugly they are, however they don't serve me in my quest to find some peace, they are still here with me.  I guess they will be until they aren't, and not much anyone can say to me will make them go sooner.  So, I appreciate it if you want to make me see the error of my ways - but I see it myself already, and I'm working on it.

And come to think of it, why do I have to hurry that process?

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Can't lift myself

I'm trying hard not to drown lately in the muck called depression.  I am resolved to handle it myself.  Only time will tell if I am successful. But I am trying.

It's not like I don't have things to feel blessed about, or things to look forward to...I only wish it was as easy as telling yourself to snap out of it.  I am listening to what I feel are several good self-hypnosis recordings and I am repeating, in my head, positive affirmations during the day.  Not gonna lie, this is very hard.  Most of the time I want to tell people to fuck themselves.  But I do want to cut down on cussing too, so I am trying a different script in my head.  I feel worried, a little  - I really do not want to go on meds to make a change.