Dream feelings #12 - garage as metaphor

A dream about this:

an actual photo of the garage from back in the day

A dream with many small vignettes, but the biggest was this: I am in the garage, straightening it out. There is once more a lot of chaos; things that need to be sorted/organized/made room for.   I work a small area, making ground, and someone comes behind me and hangs a striped blanket up near what I was tidying.  It feels rough like wool, and the stripes are large and wavy in green, blue, orange, black.  What is this?  Where did this come from? It becomes known to me that its something for camping. As I am cleaning and straightening, Mark is adding more stuff.  I look out of the garage and see a large junky vehicle like a van and ask what is that? Mark answers me with a word I don't know.  "Don-something".  That's not staying here, right?  It will take up the whole driveway. Yes, it is, he says.  I immediately start yelling "NOOOOOO" and sink to my knees.  All that effort in trying to get a handle on the mess and straighten, and he gets to do whatever he wants and add more junk. The dreams ends and I get up for the day.

******

I never had any say in how we managed anything out here.  If I spent hours sweeping and organizing it, tossing trash, organizing equipment after campouts, making space for whatever crap Mark decided to bring home, and making room for the kids to park their bikes and scooters, he would downplay it or get angry that it was a problem for me.  And it always took me hours - it was sweaty dusty heavy work.  And he was never OK with helping.  I never felt like this space was mine too, even though I had to work so hard on it and help pay for it.  I still have so much anger about it.  The state of the garage mirrors how I felt about my married life.

I had to go out to the garage and take a couple of photos of what it actually looks like now:

Mostly so I could reassure myself.  I know what and where everything is out here.  There are spaces to walk.  There is order.  Everything is manageable.

And no one can tell me shit about it.

I could still get rid of some things - I probably will.  But never again will I feel that I have no control or peace in my own home, smothered by literal stacks and piles of things and having no say in it.

Sh*t my mother said

Have you ever heard of the book "Sh*t My Dad Says"? It's hilarious.  Every now and then I will remember some sh*t my mother said and it stings a little, but is funny never the less.  Please enjoy this photo of her giving me the look she often did, while you read some of her jewels. (this might be one of those on-going projects as I remember more)

that look says it all

This place looks like the wreck of the Hesperus!

What will I care?  I'll be dead.

Oh, just gimme the damn thing!

You'd complain if you were being hung with a new rope.

Rich people who get themselves into trouble  "can't stand prosperity".

I'm just going to let the world turn a time or two.

The very idea!

I wish I could run away from home.

Get out the damn way!

Just burn time, Melissa (sister).

She/He don't know her/his ass from a hole in the ground.

Its cold as a witches tit.

Why are you laughing?

She/he doesn't have sense enough to come in out of a pouring thunderstorm.

Alene (sister) only gets one day off, after all - the rest of us get 24 hours.

I wish I were in Spain! 

I wish you kids would get grown!

(to my sister and I) If you had a brain cell between you, you'd set your hair on fire!

Gina just loves those children...(shaking her head)

You can go straight up and turn left.

Stick it where the monkey put the banana.

Loosen your GRIP.

Have you spoken to your sister Griselda?

Oh, Gina...you're not going to heaven. (in a sad voice)

(muttering) Bad ole girl.

I wish I had all boys - they would come help me.

Other jewels:

*One time she told me I was praying all wrong because I didn't say "In Jesus' name" at the end and that my prayer didn't count.

*When driving Mother someplace she would say "you planning on stopping any time soon?" when you were 1/2 a block from the red light.

*She loved to watch what she called the "I Hate Trump" channel.

*She would tell us that we had the "Whitworth frown". (my maiden name)

*In high school she would sit on the edge of my bed with her coffee in the mornings chirping "Uppie uppie!"

*She loved to refer to our Dad as "Old Whatshisname".

*When I wore mums and corsages to football games, she'd say I looked like Mrs. Astor's horse.

*Told my sister she was "carrying (her daughter) around on a pillow".

*Got angry with me for drinking coffee (she could not) while I was giving her a ride to her eye surgery at the crack of dawn.  I asked "do you want me to stay awake while I drive, Mom?", and she hushed.

*One minute telling me what a great (weekend) job I had then next telling me I was going to hell for working on the Lord's Day.

*If I mentioned my daughter, she would interrupt with "Don't tell ME what to do!", which was not something my daughter was known for saying.

* Sometimes she would sing "no one loves me, everybody hates me, think I'll eat a bug!" if you were feeling down.

*If you were a telemarketer, she would just gently lay the phone down on the table and walk away. 

Most of these things made me laugh - I guess I could cry about them, but where's the fun in that?

Parenting pearls

Not everything that came out of my mother's mouth was kind, but some of it was on target.  Or at least, I figured out what she was trying to say.  She didn't give me a lot of parenting advice, but when she did, it seemed to fit a particular need.

Don't label your children - When my oldest was found to have ADHD, I was initially upset and fearful.  I remember telling my mother how hard school had been for him up to that point and how overwhelmed I felt, having zero knowledge of it and my hands full with work and two other children.  My mother cautioned me not to label Spencer and set him apart in any way from his siblings.  I ended up reading everything I could, getting school accommodations, discussing it with the pediatrician and a specialist, as well as getting him therapy sessions so he could talk to an objective and understanding adult.  It would turn out that 3 of my kids had this trait, and we didn't toss the label around like it was an issue. 

Don't stress over potty training so much - it will happen before he goes to kindergarten - I had a particularly hard time potty training my 3rd child as his little world was rocked when his baby brother came along.  The daycare wasn't engaged in training him during the day, and again, I was working full-time now with three kids, exhausted and heavily pregnant. A new baby arriving made him even more resistant.  Several months later I wailed to my mother that he was going to be four before I got him trained! (he was, pretty much)  But he did in fact, decide to use the potty before preschool.

Loosen your grip - This nugget of parenting wasn't exactly offered in a nice way, but as time has gone on, I realize the wisdom in it. Maybe the bigger message was for me to loosen control of my kids as they mature and let them make their own discoveries and mistakes.  That's a very hard thing to do - watching them fall when you are right there and could catch them.  But truly, people learn by doing, and kids need to learn the consequences of their own choices. This parenting pearl has me moving into a new phase of parenting - offering guidance and support only when my kids ask for it. 

What about you?  Did you get any parenting pearls from a hands-off grandparent?

Happy things for Summer 2025

she's looking forward, and so am I

 

Like everyone else, I have a mix of Good and Not So Good in my days, but I'm choosing to focus on the Good more often to serve the confirmation bias of my brain.  So with that in mind, here's the current list of happy things for summer:

*I will have a 3 Mental Health Mondays in June/July, and I will probably take one or two in August as well.  The one I took in May felt good.  I have moved from feeling bored/sad/at loose ends on these days, to feeling more optimistic and engaged.  Its like a mini vacay with low expectation/high possibility.

*I will continue meeting my college friend for coffee a couple of times a month.  Not only is she a good listener, but a good conversationalist, and she and I share some fundamental similarities and outlook on life and motherhood. Bonus: I'm trying out new coffee places.

*I am going to a concert at the end of June and Chloe said she will get me safely there and back. 

I joined The Long Center and will attend as many Drop In concerts on Thursday evenings as I can.  I also signed myself up for a theater performance at the Zach in July.  I am scheduling myself fun things to do, out on my own, with the goal of enjoying life.

*I signed up for two grief webinars in June, and have an eye appointment in June, and a dental appointment in July. I am still working on: finding swim lessons and going to the pool to exercise, daily walks, watching what I eat to avoid the foods that I am sensitive to, drinking far less with the goal to be dry, watching what I spend, following a grocery budget, figuring out a beach trip, and encouraging Grayson to find an apartment.

Its not a crazy busy summer, and it feels do-able with measurable goals!

He's not here, I am

 A couple of years ago, I got a very unhappy response from one of my peeps regarding Father's Day and the fact that I did not send out a group message acknowledging the day.  And Father's Day is creeping back up on us, so here's what I have to say about that:

I'm still here, he is not.

I'm still doing my job as parent, providing all of the emotional support of both parents.

I'm still here for you to come to when your life falls apart and you need a roof over your head for a little while.  I'm still the one who will organize and implement family holidays, all hosted by me, at my house.

I'm the one who is keeping the ship afloat - paying for the life insurance policies, letting you keep your cell phone on my plan because its cheaper for you that way, helping you pay for college, guiding you through small and not so small struggles that you need advice on.

I'm also the one 100% responsible for my own health and the care and repair of my house and car, with very little, if any, assistance from you.  I'm the one who collects your mail that still gets delivered to me and who makes you a stocking every Christmas.

When you were a child I was the one who made sure your summers were full of swim lessons, sport camps, part-time jobs, summer field trips and learning, and trips to the beach.  If you had clothes, chores, scout camp, and opportunities to visit family - that was all me.  I also made sure you and your siblings got to spend a lot of time with each other, seeing movies, going to parks and swimming pools, eating fun snacks, helping me grocery shop, and seeing Austin like a tourist.

I'm sorry Mark is not here and my adult children can choose to honor him in their own way, as I have encouraged them to do - but I will not facilitate that.  Don't misunderstand me (or do) - I'm not saying I was the better parent, but I am saying that I think I did a good job, I still count, and I'm still here.  And I think he would agree with me.

Happy Things for May 2025

In no particular order: 

*We've had enough rain for my front and back yards to flourish. I got some dwarf Nandina planted and will get on an every two weeks schedule with mowing the grass.  Bit by bit, I am getting all of the pollen and leaves off the yards and red rocks area. I trimmed up the Ligustrum and they look like they are blooming, scattered some grass seed which I noticed has sprouted, and the Japanese boxwood on either side of the garage got a big chop!  I mulched everything out front, too.  It was good to catch up on all things yard-related. 

 

*I have sold the Baja - praise!  I'm not getting much for it, but I am OK with that. It didn't make sense to pour more money into it, and as fate would have it, the thing died - with the windows rolled down. It was the last big thing of Mark's to go, and not seeing it in the driveway will be amazing.

*I have several things planned for myself in May so far, including a grief webinar, coffee with a friend, annual physical, and a concert at The Long Center.  It feels good to have a mix of things on my To Do list - all of it is really self care.  I started walking again (took a break in February that lasted too long) and I am still talking with the therapist.  Cooking is making me feel less angry and stressed.  My hair has responded to the minoxidil and is sprouting.  Overall, I feel better.

*Chloe stepped up to support her youngest brother during a tough time.  I am reminded that my kids are nice people who love each other and these reminders do my heart such good.  I was giving them some space, but I want to engage with them more often.  Dylan got a cat and is adjusting to life in his new apartment - I miss him but I'm so glad he is doing OK.

Goal:  keep this positive momentum going!

Dream feelings #12

I have nothing to wear!

I am getting ready to go to an event, wearing a mauve something that is very hot and uncomfortable, long and sweater-like, looking through my closet with someone else, trying to find something to wear.  The choices were outdated or not appropriate for the occasion.  All of them seemed very long or over-sized.  The person helping me wasn't all that helpful - pointing out that I had nothing to wear, then leaving to get themselves ready.  I went through all of the things again.  Nothing matched.  Nothing was the right size, nor color.  I could see specific things:  a couple of sleeveless dresses with heavy pleating on the bodice and a large floral pattern, skirts that had no coordinating tops, things like that.  It seemed like these were clothes that had been hanging in here a long time.  Time was running out to decide and all around me people were coming through from other parts of the "house", ready and leaving to attend the event.  A female person I did not recognize came down the stairs, wearing all black formalwear, but did not speak to me.  I was standing there, still wearing the sweater thing, feeling very hot and uncomfortable, knowing that I was missing out, but could do nothing about it.

Yikes, it will take me a minute to decipher this one!