Dream feelings #8

An obviously grown Grayson:

Giving me a skeptical look

After a long while of not having any particular dream to remember or blog about, I had a short disjointed two-part on a Sunday morning:

I was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Mark was in his favorite spot on the couch in the den.  I was fixing spaghetti, with green beans as a side.  I was looking around in the cabinet for the seasoning I wanted to use and suddenly was holding a bottle of spice mix that I was unfamiliar with and did not purchase.  At that moment Mark said something to the effect of buying what he wanted me to use in the dinner.  I felt annoyed, like he had stepped on my toes, and I added far too much seasoning to the pan.  The more I stirred, the more spice appeared and I was thinking "now how am I going to fix this?".  The scene abruptly changed and I was in my bathroom at the tub, leaning over and looking into the water.  I understood Grayson (as a toddler) to be taking a bath.  The water was cloudy with soap, and he was underwater, holding his breath, so I could just make out the shape of him, the water being so cloudy with soap.  He surfaced and I said, "honey, this water is way too cold" as I started running the hot water into it.  He seemed to get smaller/younger and once again slipped under the water.  Then the dream abruptly ended as the alarm went off. 

Would I label this one as a nightmare?  Reading over what I wrote brought the "feelings" of the dream back to me, and it wasn't really a memory that made me smile...

Why, and who, I feel comfortable asking for help*

 Its really hard for me to ask for help, post-Mark. Its not like I don't need or want the help, it just feels like I am burdening people who shouldn't have to take on my responsibilities.  I know that's an extreme way to look at that.  I guess I have always either felt self-sufficient, or as part of a team who could do most anything (me and Mark, of course).  Now and then Dylan will offer to do something for me and I seem to put him off.  Why is that?  My "kids" are adults now, and letting them help when they can would do a world of good for all of us.

Home sweet home to be repainted soon!

things such as:

*it would help get them to see the big picture of taking care of a home

*it gives you the feel-goods to help someone else 

*a family should help each other - isn't that what we teach kids?

*it would show them how to take care of their own home some day

*Its definitely a productive use of time

*more projects and chores would get done, which would not be a bad thing

*it might make me feel better to have them help me

*siblings that see other siblings pitch in might mirror that effort and offer to help

*we would be working together and spending time together

*sometimes they have good ideas for things

Leave it to a writing prompt and my own stream of consciousness to lead me to a realization!

*I'm following a series of prompts for a few posts

Happy things for April 2024

*I'm getting Rustown painted, but more importantly, repaired in various areas where there is wood rot.

The painter will also remove outside speakers, part of a weather station, and replace some light fixtures, in addition to power washing the house.  This project is a long time coming as I had tried to convince Mark that it needed to be done years ago.  He would always insist we could sell the house "as is".  But if I'm going to stay here for any length of time, I want to have this done so I can continue to enjoy my home.

*The weather is full-on Spring and I could not be more pleased.  I've been mowing, raking, and fertilizing the grass.  A few weeds make little difference to me. The oaks trees dropped fewer leaves and pollen pods than in recent years (probably due to all of the pruning that was done), so clean-up was manageable.  Dylan and Grayson have both helped me with bagging of the leaves, which is actually the most time-consuming thing.  I will plant new lantanas this month and see about getting the sprinkletr system back on-line.

*The executor for Mom's estate let us come spend one day, clearing out all of the personal property we wanted. It was a hard task (physically and emotionally), but it's one more hard thing done. Whatever is left in the house/garage/storage sheds will either go into an estate sale or be donated.  He got the yards managed, too, and will put the property on the market soon, so it feels like we are making progress in wrapping this up. 

*Mental health-wise: last month was rough.  My labs were all done recently, and everything looks "great" per my doc.  I don't have any reason to think that things can't keep moving in a positive direction.  I know there will be sad times mixed in, but I am determined to expect the best.

The amateur radios, et al.

This will seem like a long rambling story.

About throwing Mark's shit away.

It is what it is.

Mark was a ham - an amateur radio operator.  He had been interested in it for years, back when CB radios were a thing.  So in the very early 90's he got his ham radio license.  He commandeered the walk-in closets at both houses to make his very own "ham shack" and climbed around in both attics, installing antennas.  He ALSO installed radios in all of his vehicles, with the associated antennas.  He was a member of several emergency response organizations, taught a radio badge for boy scouts, and participated in several City of Austin Emergency Response drills (remember Y2K?).  Recently I came across all of his licenses and certificates and training manuals and books and notes and ID badges and CRAP and seriously, I felt so overwhelmed by it all.  I cleaned out the drawers I had it all stored in.  Then I turned my attention to the actual radios and etc.

I had pulled all of them out of the master closet a couple years ago and put them in the garage.  No more ham shack! Then from the attic I pulled all of the empty boxes they came in.  That's where I stalled.  I was this close to taking them all to the recycle center when Grayson said, lets sell them I'll help you.  But after a month's time, we both realized we were in over our heads, neither of us knowing anything about how to deal with them.  So in a fit of  "ohmyGodIcan'tstandthisanymore", I pushed all of it to one side of the garage while I worked on another project. (as it turns out, purging more stuff from the garage that I don't want)  Then I calmly pulled the recycle bin around to the garage and loaded up all of the manuals and cardboard boxes.  I shoved the radios, and a very old chainsaw and drill, into the back of the truck and made an appointment at the recycle center to drop them all off.

I'm not going to justify/discuss/explain this to my kids for any reason.

I don't care what it all may have been worth - certainly not the price of my sanity.

I always feel a twinge of guilt, then I remember:

Mark is not his stuff.  Mark neither cares about nor needs ham radios in heaven.  Mark would understand the burden that was placed on me.  Mark would want me not to be unhappy in my home and grieve forever.

P.S.  Someday I will tell the story of how we struck a deal involving ham radios with Mark going to the dentist...

That was hard

About a month ago, I got this card in the mail, sent via the donor people, from someone thanking our family for donor tissue for use in healing of her arm.  Apparently, the tissue was taken from Mark.  This happened back in November of 2023, but we just got the note.  So, the tissue graft was successful.

I'm glad.  That's the point of being a donor. 

I didn't know what to think about it at first.

I shared it with Dylan and Grayson, since they are home with me.  They both quietly and calmly acknowledged it.  It spent a week or two posted on the fridge, then I put it away in the "Mark" file, with all of the other sympathy cards and letters we have received.  {admittedly not that many}  And while I know Mark would have said something like "very cool!", I can't also help but think it wasn't so.  I'm thankful to know that I honored Mark's wishes and he has the potential of helping others, but still. 

It did wreck me a little bit. 

That was hard.

Things I forgive Mark and myself for*

Well, pretty much everything.

Mark and I did not live the charmed life, weren't perfect parents, and were often disconnected as spouses.  We argued about basic things and had a hard time apologizing.  We each had our own agenda, and that caused us to often not be on the same page. He was a borderline hoarder, socially outgoing and likeable, super involved with his children.  I was organized and detail focused, worked hard at balancing home, my job, and child rearing, and was sometimes introverted.

Over the years we disagreed about sex, money, and the kids. We had differing views on what retirement might look like.

In other words, we were human.

I've had to remind myself not to place Mark on some kind of pedestal.  But, he was a truly good person, who loved me only a little less than my own mother did.  I don't regret one minute of my life spent with him, and I hope he would have said the same about me.  We didn't have a perfect marriage, but honestly, who does?  And what even constitutes that?  We made a life together that produced a beautiful family and we had some very good times mixed in.  And we had real love.

Whenever I beat myself up about what I could have or should have said or done, I remind myself that forgiveness works both ways.  I'm sure he would feel the same if he were here, looking back on our life together.

*I am following a series of prompts for a few posts

Happy things for March 2024

I made a calendar for myself of all the things I wanted to work on this year at my house.  And although I might have procrastinated a bit of the February plans, we still have a good ten months to go.  So I feel sure that I will rally and catch up on my list.

One of the first things for March is fixing another shared fence section between me and a neighbor.  Surprisingly, he agreed to cover half of the cost and is going to pay for an extra post, as well.  So including this getting resolved, here are the other happy things for March:

*I sent a money donation to the senior center in Brenham in honor of Mom, who would have been 94 yesterday.  She spent many happy hours there and made friends, so it made me feel good to remember her this way.  She was generous and believed in charity and tithing.  She was smart with her money and set a great example for us.

*I got the Baja put in my name and it was fairly painless.  That's one step forward to getting the issue of the vehicles resolved.  I feel like March is when we will leap forward with all of that.

*My labs came back all "within normal limits" and my cholesterol was "great" - a quote from my doc.  Now I just need to get the reflux in check and I am working hard on that. My weight is stable, too.

*I am almost done selling all of the items I had listed on Ebay.  It was fairly painless, earned me a little money, and greatly reduced the clutter in my jewelry box.  It has inspired me to get going on the other things I need to sell,

*The seasons are changing and Spring is just about here.  I am ready to move forward in many areas of life.  I would love to keep a forward momentum, but I know rainy days will be mixed in with the sunny ones.  I will keep up my walking program and focus on my health!