Many things assumed

     I chose to marry and I chose to be a mom.  No one coerced me either way.  I felt young, strong, and in love.  I was fortunate to marry the person I chose who chose me, too. We agreed on the place we wanted to live, in the city we both wanted to live in.  When to start a family.   And the first few years were idyllic.  Once we our family starting growing and the dynamic was set in motion - there was big change and many things were assumed. 

      Who would do the planning/shopping/cooking of food? Who would do the bulk of the childcare during the week and still work full time?  Who would take care of laundry?  Purchase and store everyone's clothing? Who would handle household cleaning on regular basis? Who managed our bills? Who kept track of communication with extended family? Who provided medical and dental insurance as well as a retirement account? Kept track of all of our important information and documents?  Who arranged activities for the kids to include transportation, dues, uniforms, meals, permission slips, doctor visits, dental care, and back to school items? Volunteered at school, attended parent/teacher conferences, picked kids up? All me.  I made lists. Reminded everyone. Was exhausted and overworked.  As a Mom and Wife I took responsibility for everyone's everything.

 

     Things He took care of: Dropping off the kids to school/daycare on his way to work.  Getting them to pre-arranged activities on the weekends.  Mowing the lawn, trimming the trees, doing basic household repairs.  Arranging major car repairs.  Showing up for the kids in Scouts, band, basketball, karate.  Setting up our insurance policies.  Handling most of the legwork for vehicle and large appliance purchases. Grilling on Saturday nights. Filling our garage and closets with a lot of stuff.   Yes, he did many things for us as a husband and father.  But also, who got to develop his own interests and hobbies and relationships outside of the home and office? And who forced his agenda to include two RVs and property in Burnet that I was allowed to co-sign on, and help pay for, but that he got to control. Him.
     Was I taken for granted? I think so. But wasn't I also complicit in that because I let it go on so long? Once you have roles that are entrenched in your home and marriage, how do you break free of them? I was a working mom with two college degrees - if he didn't wonder how I felt about all of it, why not?  I will never know, because it all ended abruptly, before I got the chance to talk to him about it.  I had plans to tell him that I wanted us to be more equal partners, with a say so in how we spent our time and money in retirement.  I would have told him that compromises were needed in areas of our home and how we spent our time together.  That there were things I wanted and needed for our relationship to be healthy.  That I expected him to take care of his health first and make sure we could carry out whatever plans we decided on, as a team. To reconcile the resentment I felt.

The biggest assumption was that I could make myself heard and that we had time to make changes.  Both of us were good people who loved each other and the family we created - couldn't we have made big changes? I would love for that to be the legacy I hold onto, not just all of the assumptions that ultimately led to regret.

What I want life to be like one year from now

On Valentine's Day, I gave myself some love.  I'm feeling better about being a single person and I am more than ever focused on what it is I want from life.  That got me to thinking: 

what do I want life to be like a year from now?

First and foremost, I want to feel okay on my own.  I want to be able to attend movies, concerts, and other events solo and have a great time.  I want to be able to say hello to strangers and start conversations. I want to explore all of the things I want to do without worrying about my safety, how I look, or whether I am the only single person there.  I will leave myself open to approach, because the goal is to feel comfortable out in the world.  I want to open my mind and heart to the possibility of finding new friends, new experiences, a new way of seeing my life.  

In one year, I am sure that I will live completely alone.  So, do I keep this house, or find a smaller one?  Do I stay in Austin or do I move a little further out of the city? I think I may take this one year by year, depending on how I feel about my life situation.  How do I manage the quantity of my things, whether I move or stay?  Before moving, I will need to pare down the amount of stuff I own.  So, in one year I want to have a better idea of whether I stay here or go.

In one year I want to be able to say I got rid of the remaining items that I have no use for.  Namely, the Baja, the Cricut, the camping gear, the guns, and any tools I do not use or want.  I was hanging onto certain things thinking that my kids would be in relationships, with families and houses, but it doesn't look like that's happening and I'm not going to be a storage facility.  I have boxes of stuff to send to 2 extended family members.  I want to say I emptied the garage out except for what I absolutely wanted and I repainted it and it's DONE.  

In Feb. 2026, I want to be able to say that I got several big things done at Rustown whether I am selling or not.  Some of the maintenance items are doable by me and I have a schedule set up for that.  The garage, carpet, and a new fridge are on part of my plans.  I want to look back on my list and feel proud.

Lastly,

I want to have made so much progress in therapy that it tapers off into maintenance sessions.  I appreciate and am grateful for all of the help the therapist has given me, and inspired me to give myself.  I want to be able to say I made great strides in 2025.  This is something I plan to work hard at, investing the time and effort into myself. 

This sounds like a list of resolutions, and maybe it is.  My goal is to stop just surviving  - I want to thrive.  I think it's fitting that March is the month where I focus my efforts on self-love and care.  See you in 2026, February.

Dream feelings #10 and #11

 Two similar dreams, two nights in a row.

#10 - Nothing about the place feels familiar, but I know I am standing in my mother's kitchen hand washing dishes with someone I think is my sister/daughter.  I hand her a soapy dish which she is to rinse, but she just stands there holding the dish as there is no where to rinse it or place it to dry.  I become annoyed and tell her she needs to help!  She disappears.  I am increasingly stressed as I realize its not just the kitchen I have to help clean but the whole house, which feels very large and messy.  Everyone else who was in the background also disappears and leaves the door open. I am alone, thinking how can I possible get all of this done? The dream ends.

#11 -  I am decorating a small artificial Christmas tree that someone else had already started, as evidenced by clumps of candy canes tied onto it.  I realize that the tree has not been fluffed so I have to do that first, and the tree is sitting in a place where we can't get to it to decorate, like a recessed area on the floor.  But no one else is helping me do it.  Someone tells me that its not finished because there are kitties/puppies somewhere nearby, but I continue working on it anyway, moving the tree, trying to fluff it out.  Then I get annoyed that no one else is really helping me get it done. The dream ends.

I'm a little surprised that I managed to remember so much of each dream as I didn't write them down right when I awoke.  They really may as well be the same dream: I am doing something alone, that I need help with, and everyone leaves me to it.  Important themes: large house, holidays, loneliness, leftover messes for me to deal with, small animals = kids, resentment.

My superpowers*

I think its a good idea to stop now and again and remind myself that although I may need improvement in some areas of life, in others I got this! 

I am strong and resilient, physically and mentally.  Even when I've been very down, I manage to get up every day.  This is something I have gotten better at as I age. 

I try to stop and listen to others and seek to understand them before making myself understood. I can keep a secret and am loyal to my friends. I want to be the person you can lean on. I also ask for and consider all the advice I am given.

I am a champion List Maker and rely on it to help me move through the day.  I like to be organized.

I have a good sense of humor and I like to laugh with others, but I also believe in a good cry.  Holding my feelings in is not for me. I can express myself fully.

I have a knack for getting lost while driving, no matter how close it is to my house or whether Google maps is helping me.  Its something I'm resigned to now.

I am a words person, not a numbers person, so don't come at me with anything other than simple math. I credit this to all the reading I have done and word puzzles I like to do. 

*I'm following a series of prompts for a few posts

Happy things for January 2025 - my favorite month

*Dylan will be moving into his own apartment and apparently, Grayson was inspired to also look for a place.  I have worries and fears associated with this, but I see it as an overall positive step for these two young men. Spencer is in a better living situation as well.

*Gray and I both have decent cars now and I will soon sell the Baja.  That will be the last big auto thing to be done and will be a weight off my mind.

*The garage is looking better and better with a bunch of stuff to be gone this month (mostly Dylan's).  I will have room to move things around to paint in there.

I even started a new snarky cross stitch!

*In January I start the yearly purge and clean of the kitchen and closets. I ordered a liner for under the kitchen sink cabinet, and new shelf liner for the pantry.  I want to get things in the kitchen pretty, not just organized. Then I'm going to work on buying some pantry items for long term food storage.

*I continue to make progress with the health goals I have set for myself.  I gave myself some grace over the "holidays" because there were blue days and food days. I managed to get out of the house, keep my telehealth appointments, and not gain weight. So I am counting December as a win!

martinis are a holiday tradition

*I took some things to my favorite jeweler for repair and revision and I know it will be a big bill, but January seemed like the perfect time to get them done. Jewelry is mean to be worn, right?  All of it has sentimental value and special meaning to me.

All in all, I am carefully optimistic for January!

Telling him about my year - 2024

For 2023, I wrote Mark telling him about my year.  Turns out that 2024 was better, as I had hoped!  I used the blank pages in my planner as a journal, and jotted down monthly thoughts.  I made very few resolutions: limit spending, drink less alcohol, add in exercise, stick to my planner, accomplish one important task per month, spend less time on my phone, read for pleasure. Basically, just take care of my life.

January - Got the back yard fence repaired, replaced Subie headlamp bulb myself!, got legal paperwork for Rustown, repainted the bathroom cabinets, had plumber install new kitchen faucet and  P trap, paid another plumber $$$ to do some major valve repair work outside, water and ice maker went kaput on fridge, took my car into dealer for repairs, took Mom's death certificate to Chase, remembered Mark on his birthday. Thought: Accept uncertainty.

February - Got the Ring app reinstalled on my phone and took over the account, got my chipped front teeth repaired, got his Nationwide retirement rollover sent to my account, got improved lab results from my doc visit, got my car worked on. Thought: Living your best life looks like intentional living on your own terms. 

March - Sent $ to senior center in Brenham in honor of Mom's birthday, put the Baja in my name, cleaned out his dresser, donated all of the vintage camera equipment that Dylan didn't want, got a quote on house repairs and painting, took ham radios to the recycling place, emptied Mom's house with sisters.  Thought: You might not have control over a situation, but you are in control of how you react and move forward. 

April - Dealt with items from Mom's house, mailed Jim's mementos to his daughter, watched the eclipse, bundled cut photinia limbs with Dylan's help, set out the last of the big trash from the attic, took steel cabinet and car pipes to metal recycle center, did some landscaping work, got house repaired and painted, paid a shit ton of money to IRS, started looking in earnest for therapist, lots of crying. Thought: you need to let go of trying to engage people who are not reciprocating.

May - More crying. Started seeing a dietician, cancelled the last wine club, Gray got a new job and is paying his own bills, started walking, experienced a lot of stress at work, took care of large limb that fell in the backyard, gave away some more things from the garage, felt angry over cooking.  Thought: I am a loving, thinking person who can make intelligent choices and live life authentically.  

June - Continued walking, made appts for podiatry/audiology/PCP/vision, paid more attention to my nutrition, took a few of Mom's things over to my sister, cleaned the outside windows, scrubbed and sealed the deck, started an antidepressant, called estranged sisters to get info for executor, got curb wraps for driveway installed.  Thought: I spent some time feeling angry over things I have little control over, but I celebrated small wins to change my mindset.

July - Refined my health goals, got a mammo, did a bunch of small fix-its around the house, went to a movie, got my teeth cleaned, had lab work done, started working with case manager to find therapist.  Thought: Allow yourself to work on your whole life, separate and apart from the bad thing that happened. 

August - Resolved to limit phone time, had the oaks pruned, stopped worrying about the boys, talked to Dylan about moving out, cleaned Grayson's room which was a mistake, did various indoor projects to escape the heat, got the roof inspected.  Thought: If life isn't loveable yet, work on making it so.

September - Lost a bit of weight, had a scalp biopsy done, got my first tattoo, got my flu and RSV vaccines, arranged for Mom and Jim's headstone, got stitches out of scalp, found a therapist, spent some time processing and crying, continued to meet with dietician. Thought: If you don't know what to pursue in life right now, pursue yourself.

October - Spent time alone at Getaway Cabins in Wimberley, thought of him on our anniversary, followed up with dermatologist about hair loss, continued seeing therapist and dietician, lost a bit more weight, met with financial planner, enjoyed birthday pizza with Dylan and Grayson on Halloween, got a haircut.  Thought: I made a plan to host Thanksgiving based on my peeps being adults, choosing to be together, and accommodating my work schedule. And it was amazing. 

November - Did a food sensitivity test, got a payoff quote for Rustown, met with audiologist, bought a new fire extinguisher, got another tattoo, bought a new car and traded in the truck, sold my old car to Grayson, took myself out to dinner and a concert for my birthday, worked on Thanksgiving Day, made a plan for Christmas.  Thought: I am thankful that my general health is improved.

December - I made it to December with better health and a plan for moving peacefully through the holidays.  I made a couple of creative gifts, stayed within a budget, missed him and felt blue, took the last of Mom's jewelry in to the jeweler for repair, made headway in therapy, went to church on Christmas Eve, enjoyed a peaceful Christmas day with the peeps, went to a movie, worked on a puzzle, started a new cross stitch project, and enjoyed some downtime before the new year. Unlike December 2023, I didn't spend whole days crying or laying on the couch. Thought: I am beginning to thrive.  

Hopefully this recap will look even better in 2025!

My Christmas home, then vs. now

In years past, I was all about creating a beautiful Christmas home for my family.  I went a bit overboard.  It was a bit much.  I see that now.

At the time, it was meaningful to me and I poured so much creativity into it. 

I wanted everyone to feel the love, but I spent so much time making Christmas for everyone else but myself, and it was exhausting.  This year, the only place you will see the kids is on a small tabletop tree on the bookcase. The rest of the house reflects ME, including a slim tree in my bedroom, and a main Christmas tree in the front room.  I wanted the focus of my home to be totally different.  And I don't think my kids will spend any time wondering about it at all.  

A simpler Christmas home means:

*less to clean up around

*less to buy and store

*more energy to focus on the season 

*less stress over all

Its taken me awhile to come to the realization that what I want is more peace for the holidays.  How about you?