Saturday, September 13, 2025

Something I have gained in grief

 This is a journal prompt that I was given in a recent grief webinar and I thought it interesting as it has occurred to me before.  Something I have gained: the strength to persevere.



I never felt particularly strong.  My mother told me shortly after Mark died that I was a "strong woman".  But I didn't ask for that and I resented having to be strong about something I had no choice in.  I wanted to crumble, but there was much at stake so I really didn't have that choice.  I have heard stories of grievers who had a hard time getting out of bed, feeding themselves, not leaving their house, letting laundry and bills and dirty things pile up.  I would say I was the opposite of that.  I became laser-focused on getting my house in order, managing my bills, following through with all of my appointments, maintaining self-care as best I could, and trying to keep the lines of communication open with family and friends.  At times it seemed like an unreasonable amount of work for someone who was grieving.  And I had my full share of anxiety attacks, meltdowns, and loss of appetite.  Plus, depression hit me rather hard.  So its not like I've been a role model on How to Widow Peacefully.
For the 40 years previously, Mark was by my side for whatever trouble I was facing.
A partner to help figure out solutions to problems.
Someone I could lean on when I felt unable to stand alone.
And now I've had to figure out to keep going and draw on new inner strength. 
So, yay for me in doing so?
But what a shitty way to discover a new life skill.


Saturday, September 6, 2025

What it was like where I grew up

 One of the blogs I read has a series of prompts called 99 Questions to Ask Your Grandparents and this  question hit home for me, pun intended.  What was like where you grew up? Can you describe the neighborhood in detail?

the house I grew up in until age 10, pictured in 2007

     My sister claims that my memory is poor for our childhood, but I think its truer to say that I have managed to forget a lot of negative things. However, I do remember our house in Lubbock and probably could navigate it to this day.  As a child, I thought the house and yards to be quite big.  The back yard was divided into two halves by a wire fence  - one side had a big Mimosa tree, a clothesline, and irises planted against the house. My father had nailed an armchair up into the tree, with steps leading up, as a sort of makeshift treehouse where we would sit and read.  Around the base of the tree was a built in picnic table where we enjoyed watermelon in the summer, throwing the seeds and rims over the fence into the alley where they became a watermelon patch.   Grapevines were planted against the gated wire fence.  The other side of the yard had a built-in sandbox, a swing set, two dogs with a doghouse, and the backdoor to the house which was in constant motion.
     We had no garage, but a carport for shade.  There was a built in brick planter near the front door where we regularly tried our hand at growing marigolds.  Three trees planted in a circle in the front yard represented my sister, brother, and myself.  For the longest time, the lot next to us was vacant and we rode our bikes all through it.  We would cross the road to the neighboring cotton field and have dirt clod wars.  Someone was always getting injured (sometimes in a terrible way) and my mother had Mercurochrome on hand for everything. The yards, driveways, and sidewalks in our neighborhood were always full of kids of all ages - on bikes or on foot, playing various games until dark when we were all called in for the day.  We drank from the yard hose, ran in briefly to eat lunch or use the potty, and basically wore ourselves out.  Summers were hot as hell, winters brought snow.  We were outside constantly, mostly barefoot. Catching horned toads and running the neighborhood. 
     The house had 3 bedrooms and two bathrooms, and my father had finished out the garage into a living space where he slept and had a desk.  Previous to that, there were bunkbeds in there where several of my older siblings slept.  We had a very small eat-in kitchen and a small living room. Although there was no fireplace, I remember there being a cut out space in the wall connecting the kitchen to the living room, and a small child could have crawled into it, and did.  My mother did all of the cooking and laundry and cleaning.  She also sewed our clothes.  We rarely ate out. 
     We knew our neighbors and they knew us.  The Hadaways, the Lassaters, the Prichards, the Fosters, Mr. Haney.  We were within walking distance of our school and church. We had one TV and watched the evening news, Gunsmoke, Gilligan's Island, Captain Kangaroo, and Saturday cartoons. We listened to records on my father's stereo system that had a speaker in each room.
     My childhood home is with me and part of me always, of course.  Not all of my childhood was joyous, but our house in Lubbock was a formative place in my life that shaped me for everything to come, including raising my children and creating my home.  


Saturday, August 30, 2025

Dream feelings #16 - Grayson moving out

this sat in the hallway for 2 weeks

In the dream, I have a very big house with very big yards that seemed to be inside of the house.  Another adult was observing me as I disciplined Grayson over breaking something in my bedroom a year ago and not telling me - and why was he even in there to begin with?  It was a sort of blue thermostat/light switch on the wall.  I told him that if he had told me it was broken I could have fixed it already.  Dylan and Chloe were also nearby, but not saying anything.  They all became young children.  I started yelling at all of them, but they were not really paying attention and getting further away.  Grayson hopped on his bike and started riding off and I had to call him back to continue discussing with him.  That's where the dream ended.

I fully expect that I will have some sadness over the last one leaving home.  I have a lot of angst over how the last couple of years have played out, particularly with Grayson.  I'm not sure I was able to really help him, but I did provide a safe place for him to be while he figured out what he wanted and was ready to leave.  All while doing my best at living my own adult life, with all of its struggles.  None of them are "kids" anymore and its time for all of us to move on.
Just a dream - but this empty nest thing - its so real.


Saturday, August 23, 2025

The question is: what would I retire TO?

Recently my sister told me that my niece, who is 55 is going to be retiring soon and moving to the coast.  Which, great - whatever blows her skirt up.  The sister said it made her "feel old" - I guess because of my niece's age.  To me, whatever anyone else does with their own life doesn't make me feel any sort of age and I'm Ok being almost 65.  And working actually makes me feel vital and a little younger.  But its just like Ozzy said "you have to have something to retire to" and maybe my niece has that figured out, but I for sure don't.  On paper you could be worth enough money to do so, but money is not a substitute for creating a life you enjoy.  So while I am working on that and figuring it out, I will keep working since I like what I do.  And anything could happen.  You could have a major health issue that could wipe out your savings and put a big dent in your early retirement - so it can't just be about the money.  Meanwhile I don't want my skills to lapse.


Do I want to garden? No. Travel? Again, no - at least not alone.
I have no grandchildren, and even when I do, I don't plan on raising them!
Volunteering would be a good way to fill my days, but right now I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing than going to my job and taking care of my home.  I am happy in my house, my hours/ responsibilities/commute to work are all good, and I'm not in a relationship that holds me anywhere.  So what do I retire TO?


It will all come to me eventually.
I could work on developing my hobbies, adding new ones in, I guess.
I feel like I have time to decide what exactly I want to do.  Maybe what I'm doing is what I'm supposed to be doing.  Who knows.  And I'm all for others retiring whenever they want to. 
Its just not for me right now.  What are YOUR thoughts about it?


Saturday, August 16, 2025

"I've never stopped loving you, but sometimes I don't like you"

I fully realize that there are some things about my relationship with Mark that will never get resolved.  And now it's up to me to process them so that I can have peace with them.
This is one of them.

scuplture at Zach Theater

Sometimes Mark said things to me that were not well-thought out.  I know all of us have done that from time to time.  Were he here now, I might have a discussion with him about this one thing he said and how it made me feel.  Maybe he could have just said "I've never stopped loving you" or "I've always loved you" without qualifying it.  It always seemed backhanded to me, even when I know in my heart that he did love me.  But those two sentences seemed mutually exclusive.
Because how do you say "Sometimes I don't like you" and not have it perceived in a negative way?  Being likeable to your spouse is something we take as granted.  Otherwise, why would they have even married us to begin with, right?  How do you build a life with someone that you sometimes don't like?  How do you merge your financial life with them? Raise a family with them?  Have intimacy with them? Live with them day and and day out?
To me, if you love someone, you necessarily like them.  At the very least you don't dislike them.  And you'd never say "I don't like you"* - you might instead say "I don't like what you did/do".  But saying he sometimes didn't like me?  His life partner?  That really cut deep.
He could have said: 
*have more patience with me
*make more time for me
*praise and thank me 
*don't nag/thwart/question me
And that might have opened a discussion where I asked him to:
*share the home load with me so that I am not so exhausted
*listen to me
*praise and thank me, too
Because didn't both of us want to be more likeable to the other?  I would hope so.  And handing someone "sometimes I don't like you" only hurts; it doesn't suggest ways they can do better.  Just my post mortem marriage counseling at work in my brain.




*I was guilty of saying "I hate you" in two very heated arguments.  I didn't hate him.  I hated the situation, the feeling of helplessness, the thing he was doing, or the way I felt.  I should never have said that to him, no matter how I was feeling. And he did call me out on it. I feel terrible about it still.

Saturday, August 9, 2025

Dream feelings #15 - driving with my eyes closed

I don't remember thinking it was either of these two cars...
 
I am driving a car with other people in the backseat.  It is dark, or maybe I perceive it to be because my eyes are closed and I can't open them.  I have no idea how well I am driving the car; almost like I am navigating by feeling the road.  I knew I should have my eyes open but I couldn't do it, finally giving up and hoping for the best as the car continued to move along.  No one in the car seemed to be alarmed, although I did feel worried like I shouldn't be driving.  The car comes to a stop and a cop or someone comes to the driver's side and I roll the window down. Its a man.  He says, you know you wrecked your car, right?  But I couldn't remember bumping into or scraping anything and as far as I know we are all still alive in the car.  I didn't know what to say in response, so I just muttered "Oh.".  And I still could not open my eyes.

Is this another retirement dream? Urging me to pay attention?  
Are the passengers my kids? The man, Mark?
Sometimes I wonder if I really know what I am doing and think I will discover someday that I forgot to do something that was crucial.


Saturday, August 2, 2025

Some hobbies to pursue

 In the past, when someone asked what my hobbies were, I felt embarrassed to say "I don't have any".  I didn't want to admit that what I did was raise kids, clean my home, cook, and make sure everyone stayed on schedule.  Silly me, because that was a job.  And along the way, I did learn a thing or two and develop some hobbies, which technically are anything you do outside of your primary occupation, in your own leisure time. 

enjoying alone time with an adult bevvy - that's one I like, too

For me that is:
Sewing and crafting 
Jigsaw and word puzzles, card playing, and reading
Walking, meditation, journaling
Writing - on both of these blogs
Home maintenance, sprucing, and a bit of decorating

What new thing do I want to learn about? Birdwatching would be fun, as would possibly gardening or landscaping.  I would like to learn to swim (I'm still dragging my feet on lessons, though) and I'm working on getting out and meeting more people.  Got any suggestions for me?  What do you do as hobby?