Cooking

      One day I was standing at the stove, singing along to music and cooking dinner when the random thought popped into my head that Mark was still dead. At the time, I did not make the connection between cooking (which I have felt angry about lately) and Mark.  In any case, I let that realization sink in, then went right back to the music and cooking and didn't think about it again until the therapist asked me something that sparked a memory.  Then I had an epiphany of sorts.

     At the beginning of the summer I suddenly felt "over" cooking.  In fact, the whole planning, shopping, preparing, and cooking thing made me feel rageful.  I chalked it up to the heat, and my recent focus on my health, weight, and depression. And the boys didn't need me to feed them - they are adults. But I think it goes deeper than that.

The trick will be...what to eat if I'm not cooking?

     When Mark died, I was suddenly in charge of everything.  There were times I felt overwhelmed.  In fact there are still things to get rid of or sell, things to fix around the house. Over time, this has become a sore spot in my heart.  I am handling things as best I can, but I feel resentful of all of the added responsibilities.  Truth be told, I was feeling that before he died, but as in most marriages, we assumed roles and responsibilities that lasted for years.  It was a subject I wanted to broach with Mark and work on changing so that we were equal partners in all aspects of our life together.  We just never got to do that. 

     What control do I have over that now?  I can't let some of those responsibilities go - I'm still in charge of the house.  But cooking is one of the things I can.

      It doesn't change the reality that Mark is still gone, and I get that.  But just like emptying the garage and selling Highlands, it gives me a little bit of control over some things in my life. It puts me in a position where I can either be crushed under the weight of these things,  or liberated by the freedom to decide how to deal with them.  It doesn't make it easier either way, but I think the choice is clear.

Happy things for September 2024

 I am looking forward to September, welcoming Fall, and discovering some happy things.

*I still haven't bought the new fridge, but there is zero rush for that, so I can wait until I find exactly what I want.  However, I am getting a new tablet as a thank you gift from my employer!  I can use it for watching movies, learning some weight exercises, and blogging. 

*I am continuing my walking while easing up a little on logging the food and weight.  My plan was to change up my habits and I am moving right along on that.

*Chloe's birthday is coming up!  She will be my new 33 year old, but always my sweet little girlie.  

*Bulky trash pick up is this month and I have ONE thing that I know of to set out!  I have come a long way since 2021 in emptying out my attic and garage and it feels so good.

*I have been going to the library regularly and its a good change of pace from buying books from Amazon or Goodwill.

*I will remember Mom every day, but especially on the 28th.

*Taking a MHD on the last Monday of the month.  Maybe I will work on my Fall wardrobe. September means the last bit of summer - how will I spend it?  I have some ideas...

My goodness, mind your own

My kids are grown and do not need me to clean their rooms, or cook for them, or basically do ANYTHING for them except exist as their parent. 

So why I felt the need to take care of Grayson's laundry, change his sheets, vacuum his room, and toss out all of his trash is a mystery that I'm just going to chalk up to temporary insanity.

Besides making him very angry at the end of a hard week, it did little to actually help him and it backfired on me in a big way.  Since then, I've been telling myself daily to mind my own business and stop making people around me want to avoid me with my craziness.  Good Lord, its hard to have grown kids living with you, no matter how temporary it may be.

Happy things for August

I have been a busy little beaver, doing all I can to feel better this summer.

There were good things for July which included:

Continued working on my plans for home and self maintenance, doing as many things as I could myself.  I treated the photinia and crepe myrtle. Worked on the grass, patching up a big bare spot and keeping the landscape watered.  Continued to meet with the dietician, and lost a bit of weight. Had a negative mammo and a great follow-up visit with my doc after getting some help to move forward.  Got my teeth cleaned. Started working with a case manager to find a counselor.  Grew my nails out. Cut my hair.  Decided to stop cooking for the boys and worrying about Grayson in general.  Got my car inspected, tires rotated, oil changed, paid tags. Cleaned the carpets. Paid my bills on time. Slept well. Read several books.

Whew!

Good things for August:

*Got reimbursed for Mom's funeral - no small thing. That went right back into my emergency savings.

*Will buy a new refrigerator, as I have discovered I really need the ice and water dispensers to work!

*Getting the roof inspected again since it is 15 years old and it may be time for a new one.  I want to head into winter knowing that my home is protected from the top down.

*Heading into August with a 7 pound weight loss.  So I know that the changes I've made so far are having a positive impact on my health. Next to add: weights.

*Working with a case manager to find a therapist.  Will continue taking one Monday off work per month as a mental health day.

Doing my best to keep this momentum going!

Thinking about holiday gifting

I am already thinking about the holidays and what I want them to look like.  For the last couple of years, I have written notes in my day planner about how much I spent, what I did, and how I felt about the holiday in general.  The goal is to move gracefully through the holidays, finding meaning, and having a connection to those I love.  Gift giving is part of that.  In the past, Mark and I did not always succeed at the whole gift-giving thing, for our kids or ourselves.  As the years went on, we had more money to spend, but the gifts felt less thoughtful somehow.

Case in point: the Yeti blanket that I thought would be fun to keep in the truck to use at Highlands for picnics, or at wineries in case of limited seating. At $200 it was not a cheap purchase, but came with its own zippered case, making it totally portable.  The minute he opened it he asked "what is this for?".  In my defense we were all about the picnic-ing life at the time.  Sipping a glass of wine, enjoying charcuterie, listening to music... These were things I enjoyed with him, so splurging on something that supported that activity seemed worthwhile.  I think we used it once.

But it missed the mark as a gift, no pun intended.

So now, its my "lay out in the backyard sun by myself" blanket.

******

I'm sure I'm not the only person who hasn't gotten the knack of gift-giving down over the years, and I think that's normal.  I just want to enjoy the holidays with more intention. I want the people who I choose to spend time with know that they are important to me, and gifts are such a small part of that.  But I would love it if they could be delighted, knowing I have given it some thought. 

The biggest project

 Its coming up on three years since Mark died.  I think about how different life is now and how much has stayed the same.  Along with change with my house, there have been changes in myself as well.  I would love to say I have weathered these changes with grace, but most times I felt like I was just being pulled a long in a raging flood of muck.

One of the best things to happen is that I am focused more on my health than I have ever been.  Lip service gave way to real improvement.  And it shocks me to realize how badly I was taking care of myself before.  What was I thinking.

I remember talking to Mark about changes we needed to make in our life and sometimes he was on board, other times, not so much.  There were things that had needed to be done at Rustown for years that we didn't get done, simply because all of our resources were going to Highlands.  And the same can be said about health changes we needed to make.  It kind of makes me feel sad when I think on it. 

All that love poured into Highlands and so little into ourselves.

All I can do is move forward with what I need to do in life.  Not just for my home, but for myself as well.  And that has become the biggest project of all.

Here we go again

 Here we go!

HERE  WE  GO  AGAIN.

Here. We. Go.

Why am I so resistant to taking antidepressants.  I don't really have an answer to that.  I had a friend ask me recently.  Like why is it OK if I support someone else taking them, but not myself?  As my primary care doc (an Internist) said, depression is a treatable illness, just like any other number of things.

I mean, I get that.

But I was so hoping I had crossed that hump off the list last year and was done with it.  I didn't factor in Mom dying, which threw off the whole ball of wax.  I was looking forward to handling my life, you know?  Feeling all the feels on my own. I wanted to experience happiness along with the sadness, and somehow, the meds always blunt everything.  But after a tense and unhappy Thursday evening with me overreacting and acting cray-cray, crying and shaking while my son asked me WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? it occurred to me that maybe the chaos I was feeling inside was also being felt outside - by him, and maybe by others.  {Although, I guess he could have been kinder about it}  I'm doing this for me.  I'm doing this for them.  I want to feel better, in all ways.

So here we go again.