My Christmas home, then vs. now

In years past, I was all about creating a beautiful Christmas home for my family.  I went a bit overboard.  There were two trees full of ornaments (one specifically for the kids), decorations everywhere, a kitchen garland full of the kids' handmade things from school, photos of them in kitchen magnets and in seasonal frames round the house, a bit of decor in everyone's room and both bathrooms, and lights and decor galore on the outside of the house, and gifts were way. too. many.

And let's not even mention the food.

It was a bit much.  I see that now.

At the time, it was meaningful to me and I poured so much creativity into it. 

I wanted everyone to feel the love - but what about me? For years I spent so much time making Christmas for everyone else but myself, and it was exhausting.  This year, a tabletop tree has one ornament from each "kid" plus some vintage ones I picked up years ago.  That, and the photo of Mark in a a small frame on my bedroom tree are all you will see of them.  The rest is for me. I want the focus of my home at Christmastime to be totally different.  And I don't think my kids will spend any time wondering about it at all.  A simpler Christmas home means:

*less to clean up around

*less to buy and store

*more energy to focus on the season 

*less stress over all

Its taken me awhile to come to the realization that although I do put out some very sentimental decor that makes me happy, what I want is more peace for the holidays.  How about you?

Me again

 Thinning hair and all.

I told the therapist that what I wanted most was to feel like myself again.

Instead of being depressed, maybe hopeful.  Instead of feeling confused, maybe feeling capable.  Instead of crying most of the day, maybe just a few minutes every now and then when I need to.  The old Gina was strong, and knew her mind. She was organized at home, and enjoyed shopping and cooking and decorating the house.  She loved reading and doing crafty things.  She loved spending time with family.  She was the main driver in her life, not an unwilling participant.  She had strong opinions and thoughts and expected to be able to express herself fully.  She had Mark, but she also had herself.

So that's what I'm working on - finding me again.

Cooking

      One day I was standing at the stove, singing along to music and cooking dinner when the random thought popped into my head that Mark was still dead. At the time, I did not make the connection between cooking (which I have felt angry about lately) and Mark.  In any case, I let that realization sink in, then went right back to the music and cooking and didn't think about it again until the therapist asked me something that sparked a memory.  Then I had an epiphany of sorts.

     At the beginning of the summer I suddenly felt "over" cooking.  In fact, the whole planning, shopping, preparing, and cooking thing made me feel rageful.  I chalked it up to the heat, and my recent focus on my health, weight, and depression. And the boys didn't need me to feed them - they are adults. But I think it goes deeper than that.

The trick will be...what to eat if I'm not cooking?

     When Mark died, I was suddenly in charge of everything.  There were times I felt overwhelmed.  In fact there are still things to get rid of or sell, things to fix around the house. Over time, this has become a sore spot in my heart.  I am handling things as best I can, but I feel resentful of all of the added responsibilities.  Truth be told, I was feeling that before he died, but as in most marriages, we assumed roles and responsibilities that lasted for years.  It was a subject I wanted to broach with Mark and work on changing so that we were equal partners in all aspects of our life together.  We just never got to do that. 

     What control do I have over that now?  I can't let some of those responsibilities go - I'm still in charge of the house.  But cooking is one of the things I can.

      It doesn't change the reality that Mark is still gone, and I get that.  But just like emptying the garage and selling Highlands, it gives me a little bit of control over some things in my life. It puts me in a position where I can either be crushed under the weight of these things,  or liberated by the freedom to decide how to deal with them.  It doesn't make it easier either way, but I think the choice is clear.

Happy things for September 2024

 I am looking forward to September, welcoming Fall, and discovering some happy things.

*I still haven't bought the new fridge, but there is zero rush for that, so I can wait until I find exactly what I want.  However, I am getting a new tablet as a thank you gift from my employer!  I can use it for watching movies, learning some weight exercises, and blogging. 

*I am continuing my walking while easing up a little on logging the food and weight.  My plan was to change up my habits and I am moving right along on that.

*Chloe's birthday is coming up!  She will be my new 33 year old, but always my sweet little girlie.  

*Bulky trash pick up is this month and I have ONE thing that I know of to set out!  I have come a long way since 2021 in emptying out my attic and garage and it feels so good.

*I have been going to the library regularly and its a good change of pace from buying books from Amazon or Goodwill.

*I will remember Mom every day, but especially on the 28th.

*Taking a MHD on the last Monday of the month.  Maybe I will work on my Fall wardrobe. September means the last bit of summer - how will I spend it?  I have some ideas...

My goodness, mind your own

My kids are grown and do not need me to clean their rooms, or cook for them, or basically do ANYTHING for them except exist as their parent. 

So why I felt the need to take care of Grayson's laundry, change his sheets, vacuum his room, and toss out all of his trash is a mystery that I'm just going to chalk up to temporary insanity.

Besides making him very angry at the end of a hard week, it did little to actually help him and it backfired on me in a big way.  Since then, I've been telling myself daily to mind my own business and stop making people around me want to avoid me with my craziness.  Good Lord, its hard to have grown kids living with you, no matter how temporary it may be.

Happy things for August

I have been a busy little beaver, doing all I can to feel better this summer.

There were good things for July which included:

Continued working on my plans for home and self maintenance, doing as many things as I could myself.  I treated the photinia and crepe myrtle. Worked on the grass, patching up a big bare spot and keeping the landscape watered.  Continued to meet with the dietician, and lost a bit of weight. Had a negative mammo and a great follow-up visit with my doc after getting some help to move forward.  Got my teeth cleaned. Started working with a case manager to find a counselor.  Grew my nails out. Cut my hair.  Decided to stop cooking for the boys and worrying about Grayson in general.  Got my car inspected, tires rotated, oil changed, paid tags. Cleaned the carpets. Paid my bills on time. Slept well. Read several books.

Whew!

Good things for August:

*Got reimbursed for Mom's funeral - no small thing. That went right back into my emergency savings.

*Will buy a new refrigerator, as I have discovered I really need the ice and water dispensers to work!

*Getting the roof inspected again since it is 15 years old and it may be time for a new one.  I want to head into winter knowing that my home is protected from the top down.

*Heading into August with a 7 pound weight loss.  So I know that the changes I've made so far are having a positive impact on my health. Next to add: weights.

*Working with a case manager to find a therapist.  Will continue taking one Monday off work per month as a mental health day.

Doing my best to keep this momentum going!

Thinking about holiday gifting

I am already thinking about the holidays and what I want them to look like.  For the last couple of years, I have written notes in my day planner about how much I spent, what I did, and how I felt about the holiday in general.  The goal is to move gracefully through the holidays, finding meaning, and having a connection to those I love.  Gift giving is part of that.  In the past, Mark and I did not always succeed at the whole gift-giving thing, for our kids or ourselves.  As the years went on, we had more money to spend, but the gifts felt less thoughtful somehow.

Case in point: the Yeti blanket that I thought would be fun to keep in the truck to use at Highlands for picnics, or at wineries in case of limited seating. At $200 it was not a cheap purchase, but came with its own zippered case, making it totally portable.  The minute he opened it he asked "what is this for?".  In my defense we were all about the picnic-ing life at the time.  Sipping a glass of wine, enjoying charcuterie, listening to music... These were things I enjoyed with him, so splurging on something that supported that activity seemed worthwhile.  I think we used it once.

But it missed the mark as a gift, no pun intended.

So now, its my "lay out in the backyard sun by myself" blanket.

******

I'm sure I'm not the only person who hasn't gotten the knack of gift-giving down over the years, and I think that's normal.  I just want to enjoy the holidays with more intention. I want the people who I choose to spend time with know that they are important to me, and gifts are such a small part of that.  But I would love it if they could be delighted, knowing I have given it some thought.