Current goals revisited

{In order of what I wanted last time, and how I am achieving that goal.}

 These people crack me up

*Get rid of the cane.  DONE. I'm not even using it for going down the steep driveway anymore.  I think I will put it into the garage with the crutches.
*Get a Wii, use the Wii Fit.  DONE.  I was using it daily until I went back to work.  Now only on days I can't get out to shop or walk.  Chloe and I are challenging each others' scores, which is fun.

*Finish decorating the house for Spring.  DONE.  Plus, I've done a lot of spring cleaning, which feels nice.

*Take the boys to the movies.  DONE.  And we went out to lunch a couple times.

*Get back into following the strict home program I set up for myself and the schedule for getting up early.  Halfway DONE.  It's really hard to not just want to rest and catch up on housework on my days off.  I am so tired from work.  I imagine this will get easier, and I look forward to continuing with walking.  However, sleeping in IS a thing of the past.

*Continue with the EFT and self-hypnosis.  DONE, but I don't find I need it as often.  Every day gets easier and I find I have to self-talk myself into things less and less.

I'm pretty happy with my progress since my first set of goals so here are my new ones:

*Continue with my vitamins, walking, and water.  Try not to slack off on these!

*Visit my mother in Brenham and allow enough time for a nice long visit.

*Get a handle on the household filing which is SIX MONTHS BEHIND.

*Plan a trip in Mabel with Hubby.

*Finish up with outside PT once and for all

*Make a list of things I want to do this summer and get started.  Item #1 - get Grayson started in    Driver's Ed.

Measureable, reasonable, achievable.

 You can do it, Mom!

 

Three weeks "in" post knee surgery

Time flies and its three weeks back at work already.  It seems amazing to me, because just a couple of short months ago I was so worried about not being able to get back.  I had fears about my ability to walk, and also about how much I would forget, how co-workers would perceive me, and how I would manage balancing home and work.  Things seem to be going fairly smoothly.  Which is not to say that there haven't been challenges.  I am still very tired at the end of my workweek - but isn't everyone?  Especially working moms, no matter how old your kids are!  But I can walk on my own two legs, and I trust them to get me where I'm going.  Mostly I was welcomed me back with (literally) open arms.  That made me feel more at ease for sure.  And I have made minor changes in the running of the household.  Specifically, I can no longer do the boys' laundry to "help them out" - there's just too much of it.  Every meal does not have to be homemade - we can eat take-out now and again.  Chores cannot be done every day - I need a REAL day off, like every working person.  Wednesday is my new rest and recover day; if I get some things done, great.  Will everything stay the same as it is right now?  Probably not.  I'll wing it as I go.

I'm just relieved that things are moving along in the right direction.  What seemed impossible to me before is HAPPENING right now.  I don't know whether to feel bad I had so much doubt, or thrilled for so much success.  I think I will take the latter!

What you tell yourself matters the most

Another day, another cry fest in PT.

 I expect the sessions to challenge me, and they do.  Learning the last bit of what I need to push past the recovery.  And I do my best not to cry or say I can't.  Somehow, that tends to come out of my mouth more in PT than it does in real life.  I promise I am saying positive things out loud to myself!  I don't even care who is listening!

The hardest thing about physical therapy now isn't even physical.  It's making the connection between my mind and my body synch up.  Telling myself specifically that my knee is strong and I can trust it.  I'm trying hard to do that.  To move through my day with a sense of confidence, ignoring minor pain and getting stuff done at home and at work.  I had no idea before, how important that connection is.  But I am discovering that more and more.  And that's really the only thing in my way.

Paradoxical gratitude

par·a·dox·i·cal

ˌperəˈdäksək(ə)l/

adjective

adjective: paradoxical:

                                                seemingly absurd or self-contradictory.

So, the counseling lady challenged me when I said that I wanted to put this whole knee incident behind me and forget the last five months.  Is that really true, Gina?  Do you really want to forget five months of your life?  No one would argue that having a knee problem was something that I didn't want to have, but isn't it true that there are other things that came about because of it that might have been beneficial?  Yes, it turns out there are!

******

*My knee got fixed.  I had awesome insurance that paid for it.

*I had Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's with my family in our comfy home with lots of laughter and good food.  I missed most of respiratory season at work so I didn't get so much as a sniffle.

*I got a mental health break and was able to see work in a different light.  I really like what I do, and a lot of the people there, and interacting with other adults enriches me and makes me less introverted.

*A friend from work came to see me at home and made my birthday very special. Another friend brought me a lunch.  My sister came to my house for the first time in months and months.  People texted and called.  That was nice.

*I learned that I don't have to be Super Woman - and my family has had to do more for themselves, and rose to the challenge.

*I learned that Mark really loves me and will stick with me through ugly stuff, not just the happy stuff.

*I got to participate in jury duty which although stressful, was informative.  And,  I got to meet people from other walks of life and get to know them in a short period of time.  Plus, I got paid for it!

*Mark and I went out on at least four Sunday dates and on two of them our next door neighbors came - it was such fun!

*I caught up on reading and rest - two things that I had not had the time for when this all went down.  And, I got paid disability which lessened the financial burden of having been home for five months.

*I had the time and energy to to tell my sister and mother how I feel about things.  Turns out, it was a weight off me that felt GREAT.  I feel empowered to continue keeping it 'real' and say what I am feeling and call people out on their crap.

I've been through a lot the past few months. I'm not a fan of on-going pain.  I don't like sitting still for long.  I love to work and get out in the world, and I want to feel that I am in control of my health and my life.  In addition to the the pain, fear, and depression, I was forced to examine all kinds of truths about myself, and life in general. And I survived.

I want to leave this experience in the past, but be able to say that it wasn't all for naught.  If I ever have to do something like it again, I will be better at it.  So, for learning?  I'm grateful.

Feeling good about the Me in the mirror

It's gotten so that I don't really like to see myself in the mirror.  Or in pictures.  And maybe that's because I've been so lazy the past couple of years with my appearance.  Age, weight gain, thyroid, and menopause have conspired to change the landscape of me.  And I'm not loving it.  My low self esteem shows in photographs.  Unless I am with the people I love, then I feel more genuine.

Selfie, of course

I see other 50 somethings and I think to myself that I look older than they do.  It distresses me that my hair fell out so much after the surgery, that my weight didn't change drastically even though I lost my appetite so often (I lost two pounds) and that people view me as being so much older because of the darned limp.  I don't want to feel old, I'm not ready for that!  There is much I can't change about my appearance, but I can enhance it and learn to love the face of the woman I see.  It's high time I start wearing a little makeup, caring a little more about the look of my hair and clothes, and OK, yes, I can start exercising again and feel better inside and out.

My knee is all fixed.  I've been taking my vitamins religiously.  I'm not drinking soda and I'm eating far less fast food than I was before the surgery.  I am starting to be able to do more. I don't want to feel bad about the way I look. 

I want to feel good about me.

Ready and able

{BIG EXHALE} OK. 

Today's post will be a little more positive and upbeat!  Today the word for the day is:

R E L I E F

I don't know if I can even adequately describe what it has felt like lately. To have the sun shining on me, not out there beyond me.  To see the light at the end of the tunnel and realize that it is Spring, and I made it through a dark Fall and Winter.  I feel relief, joy, hope, and thankfulness.

And also accomplished and proud that I made it through something that at one point engulfed me in so much anxiety and sadness I thought I would drown.  If that sounds overly dramatic, well...it felt that way for me.  I couldn't see it from any other perspective than my own.  And I was so unprepared for it that it threw me for a loop!

There was a lesson in all of it for me, and I am still figuring it out.  At the very least, I have a better realization of what it must be like for people who have injuries that put them out of commission.  We really take our day-to-day health for granted.  We assume it will be as it is today, not drastically different tomorrow,  and we go on about our daily lives with very little thought of it. 

We move through the week complaining about the day to day blessings we have because we don't even see them as blessings - work is too stressful, the kids are driving us nuts, there's too much housework, etc.  Just weeks before my knee surgery I was saying I needed a break. I felt overwhelmed.  I did way more than my fair share of complaining, when what I should have been doing was thanking God every day for all of the blessings I enjoy.  I'm sure I needed  an attitude adjustment. I still have some things to work on...

 

When our lives change and things are taken away, no matter how small, we realize they were OURS and WE WANT THEM BACK.  

Taking it all back, with a thankful heart, is what I'm going to do!