Mad at you

 Is it even fair to be mad at someone after they die?  I mean, they aren't here to defend themselves, or even to say they are sorry.  But your feelings are still valid, if you feel them, so here goes:  I'm pretty mad at Mark.  Well, not just Mark, but mainly.

I feel like he's listening, somehow...

Why didn't you go to the doctor like you said you would?  I called you FIRST THING as I was on the road home from Mother's house and you were short with me.  BECAUSE YOU STILL DIDN'T FEEL WELL.  Your symptoms were concerning, in hindsight I know, but you said you would.  Two weeks elapsed from that phone call and your body was obviously trying to tell you something!

Why did you not show me how to do things at Highlands?  I have no idea what to do about the pump and the broken pipes.  What switches control what outside lights?  How do I use the mower?  How do I deal with that filtration system in the barn?  What to do when the wind blows the antenna off again?  How do I hook up the trailer?  How to work the trail camera?

Why did you let things at Rustown go to shit?  Do you know it cost me $$$ to get the trees trimmed?  Its going to be $$$ to get the sprinkler system maintenance done.  Every thing that goes wrong here?  I have to cypher it out, with no practical experience so I am at the mercy of  YouTube or Google or someone I have to pay.  A lot of it was preventable and doable by YOU, but your sole focus was Highlands.  Highlands - the place I have no idea what I will do with long term nor how to maintain.  And right now, this home needs a lot of attention: the yards, the den ceiling, the garage doors, the bathroom floors, the security system, and all of the STUFF that I had no idea how to deal with and just did the best I could.

The kids - all could have used your help and guidance a little longer.

Chloe moved here to be closer to all of us.

Dylan and Michelle were making wedding plans.

Gray was struggling with college life in a pandemic.

Spencer could have learned more from you.

I was feeling job burnout and was so looking forward to retiring with YOU.

We bought that Travato, then hadn't even made the first payment.  I never even drove it.  To be fair, its not just you I'm mad at.  Plenty of friends and family have scattered and left me feeling alone again on my little island.  I am a strong person and I know I will eventually exit this tunnel of grief and walk out into sunshine.  But it will never again be with you, and that makes me the maddest of all.  You were supposed to be here with me long enough for us to travel and enjoy our time together.

I lost love, companionship, income, and future plans.  I'm hoping this stage of grief will not last forever, because I love and miss you and don't want to be mad at you.

Signs

For some reason last week, I kept thinking about a bracelet that Mark wore every day.  I made a mental note to pull it out of his jewelry box and slip it on before I left the house. 

I stopped at our favorite Mexican restaurant and picked up breakfast to go, planning to eat it while I gazed out of the screen door. The minute I pulled up to Highlands, my phone pinged a message from Google - on this day 6 years ago - that sort of thing.  It was photos from a crawfish event we went to at Flat Creek Estate back in 2016.  Mark was just about to start a new job, which included a nice jump in pay.  So to reward himself he bought a heavy silver bracelet. (the man did love his bling)  In fact the same one I pulled out and was wearing. Huh.

We had a lot of fun that day

I spent a beautiful morning at Highlands.  Saw a group of about 7 does on the way up the drive.  Replaced the address numbers at the entrance.  Dug up a cactus to take home.  Moved some peg hooks around to accommodate all of the camp mugs.  That sort of thing.  Exactly the same sort of putsey things we used to do on Saturdays.  Then around lunch time I drove to Marble Falls to pick up Marks favorite fun wine for his memorial, drink a free beer at Save the World, and end my afternoon at 7 Creeks to listen to music.  A productive afternoon!   

When I got home I made myself a comforting bowl of ramen for dinner, watched a little Netflix, then fell fast asleep.  And the next morning I wondered - was Mark somehow with me for all of that?  I felt happy and peace-filled.  A welcome break from the grieving. 

I took the bracelet to James Avery to have it re-sized, and added a heart charm with his initials in script. I will wear it often and think of Mark and the continued signs that he is part of my life.

homebody

 A lot of these posts will have to do with grieving in some way or another...

Why is it so hard for me to leave my house?

     I love my home and think of it as my sanctuary.  To that end, I want to do all sorts of things for it that pertain to the addressing the normal wear and tear of owning a home, and this one is 29 years old.  Instead of spending my free time up at Highlands, which is what I did every weekend for the last 5 years up until August of last year, I choose to spend it here.  Because this is where I feel safe and comfortable.  The more I clean it up and clear the clutter out, the more I love it.   But is it healthy that I just want to cocoon here?  That even the thought of eating out or shopping makes me think "No, I'll just stay home.  I'll eat what I already have.  I don't need to spend any money".  And after all, I'm not sad being by myself 99% of the time though I surely do miss Mark in so many ways.  I find a lot of things to keep me occupied around here.  Is it negative coping?

     I worry that this homebody business will make it gradually much harder to get back out there into social situations and the general public.  And I will need to do that -  I can't just isolate myself here and make that the norm.  And I can't rely on my kids to be my only companions - I have to get out there and meet new people.  Eventually.  Soon.

     Mark would be appalled!  He hated being stuck at home.  But to me, it doesn't feel like being stuck, even if it really is.  I need to give this some thought and come up with a plan.

Happy things for March 2022

Some of these may be repeats...

I think that's OK.

*I have reached month seven in my widowhood.  Mark and I talked once about how long-married people lived after their spouse died and he said "six months, tops".  That was his favorite catch phrase whenever we had discussions about the future - he was being facetious.  But he will have to wait on me a bit. 

*100% relieved that I have a plan for Mark's memorial:  bluebonnets, BBQ, his favorite tunes, yard games, and sunshine at Highlands.  I will pick a date that works for everyone and we will have a family only day.  

*Taking care of myself feels good.  I have been journaling and working on me and managing life on my own terms.  

*The weather is only getting better from here on out.  I can't wait to get my yards in shape for spring and summer!  Fingers crossed that Big Trash Day is not cancelled in April.  I have a load of crap in the garage to set out.  Once its gone, I can venture into the attic.

*As always, I am thankful for my home, my family, my friends, my health, and my job.

Life doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful