Mad at you

 Is it even fair to be mad at someone after they die?  I mean, they aren't here to defend themselves, or even to say they are sorry.  But your feelings are still valid, if you feel them, so here goes:  I'm pretty mad at Mark.  Well, not just Mark, but mainly.

I feel like he's listening, somehow...

Why didn't you go to the doctor like you said you would?  I called you FIRST THING as I was on the road home from Mother's house and you were short with me.  BECAUSE YOU STILL DIDN'T FEEL WELL.  Your symptoms were concerning, in hindsight I know, but you said you would.  Two weeks elapsed from that phone call and your body was obviously trying to tell you something!

Why did you not show me how to do things at Highlands?  I have no idea what to do about the pump and the broken pipes.  What switches control what outside lights?  How do I use the mower?  How do I deal with that filtration system in the barn?  What to do when the wind blows the antenna off again?  How do I hook up the trailer?  How to work the trail camera?

Why did you let things at Rustown go to shit?  Do you know it cost me $$$ to get the trees trimmed?  Its going to be $$$ to get the sprinkler system maintenance done.  Every thing that goes wrong here?  I have to cypher it out, with no practical experience so I am at the mercy of  YouTube or Google or someone I have to pay.  A lot of it was preventable and doable by YOU, but your sole focus was Highlands.  Highlands - the place I have no idea what I will do with long term nor how to maintain.  And right now, this home needs a lot of attention: the yards, the den ceiling, the garage doors, the bathroom floors, the security system, and all of the STUFF that I had no idea how to deal with and just did the best I could.

The kids - all could have used your help and guidance a little longer.

Chloe moved here to be closer to all of us.

Dylan and Michelle were making wedding plans.

Gray was struggling with college life in a pandemic.

Spencer could have learned more from you.

I was feeling job burnout and was so looking forward to retiring with YOU.

We bought that Travato, then hadn't even made the first payment.  I never even drove it.  To be fair, its not just you I'm mad at.  Plenty of friends and family have scattered and left me feeling alone again on my little island.  I am a strong person and I know I will eventually exit this tunnel of grief and walk out into sunshine.  But it will never again be with you, and that makes me the maddest of all.  You were supposed to be here with me long enough for us to travel and enjoy our time together.

I lost love, companionship, income, and future plans.  I'm hoping this stage of grief will not last forever, because I love and miss you and don't want to be mad at you.