Not everything that came out of my mother's mouth was kind, but some of it was on target. Or at least, I figured out what she was trying to say. She didn't give me a lot of parenting advice, but when she did, it seemed to fit a particular need.
Don't label your children - When my oldest was found to have ADHD, I was initially upset and fearful. I remember telling my mother how hard school had been for him up to that point and how overwhelmed I felt, having zero knowledge of it and my hands full with work and two other children. My mother cautioned me not to label Spencer and set him apart in any way from his siblings. I ended up reading everything I could, getting school accommodations, discussing it with the pediatrician and a specialist, as well as getting him therapy sessions so he could talk to an objective and understanding adult. It would turn out that 3 of my kids had this trait, and we didn't toss the label around like it was an issue.
Don't stress over potty training so much - it will happen before he goes to kindergarten - I had a particularly hard time potty training my 3rd child as his little world was rocked when his baby brother came along. The daycare wasn't engaged in training him during the day, and again, I was working full-time now with three kids, exhausted and heavily pregnant. A new baby arriving made him even more resistant. Several months later I wailed to my mother that he was going to be four before I got him trained! (he was, pretty much) But he did in fact, decide to use the potty before preschool.
Loosen your grip - This nugget of parenting wasn't exactly offered in a nice way, but as time has gone on, I realize the wisdom in it. Maybe the bigger message was for me to loosen control of my kids as they mature and let them make their own discoveries and mistakes. That's a very hard thing to do - watching them fall when you are right there and could catch them. But truly, people learn by doing, and kids need to learn the consequences of their own choices. This parenting pearl has me moving into a new phase of parenting - offering guidance and support only when my kids ask for it.
What about you? Did you get any parenting pearls from a hands-off grandparent?
My mom said virtually nothing about parenting but was there if asked. My MIL freely told me, in a way that meant I was probably doing things wrong, " when my kids were young I...". I wish I didn't stress about my parenting then and had better resiliency now as needed for adult children.
ReplyDeleteI would almost rather parent teenagers than adults. Yikes.
DeleteWow, you had a lot to manage raising 4 kids and addressing their individual needs along with working. I had a chuckle about the potty training but so true. I didn't hear advice from my Mom or Dad probably mostly because we lived on opposite coasts while I was raising my sons so they only saw them in person once or twice a year and I didn't ask for advice. My MIL & FIL always waited to be asked for any advice or help at least with me - hmmm, don't know if my husband got an earful. Now with 2 young granddaughters I try to make a point of telling our son and DIL that they are doing a fantastic job and ask them how they want me to handle certain situations. I'm sure I've offered advice sometimes (and they are good about saying they will think about it lol) but I try not to do it.
ReplyDeleteHubby and I got all kinds of unsolicited advice from his side of the family, which I mostly ignored...
DeleteI don't remember it being unsolicited, but my mother gave me a true gem when my oldest was a toddler. She said, "Never threaten a punishment you aren't prepared to carry out; they'll learn not to believe what you say."
ReplyDeleteThat made a lot of sense to me. I heard a lot of people saying things to toddlers like, "If you don't find your shoes, I'm going to leave you home by yourself while I go to the toy store," or "If you don't get in bed and stay there, I'm going to lock you outside and you'll have to sleep with the dog." Things I knew they would in no way follow through on, and their kids knew it too.
Of course, when my daughter was in high school and loaned her car to a friend (after many, many warnings of the legal dangers of loaning cars to other drivers), and I saw said friend on the road and followed her to her destination and made her turn over the keys to MY car as daughter was the only person I had given permission to drive it; I took driving privileges away from daughter for a month...longest month of my life as she had 2 jobs and was editor of the school newspaper that led to late nights at school before press time. :)
That's very good advice! And the fact that you remember it and used it speaks to its wisdom, and yours.
DeleteGreat picture of your kids! I see a lot of you in them. My mom and I were very close and she gave great advice about parenting and life, but casually in conversation. I think the loosen the grip tip was a big one and the one I struggled (still struggle) with the most. Like you said, it's hard to watch them fall, when you know you can catch them, but that's how they learn. My mom always said, just let them know you're there to brush off the bruises and help them when they do ask. So far, it's served us well...but it's not easy - especially as they're now adults!
ReplyDeleteOOh parenting adults is trickier than I imagined!
DeleteThat's a great picture of your 4 children. I didn't want my Mom's advice on parenting and with 2 children under 2 moved 1500 miles away. I guess you could say I did it my way. They're far from perfect but they love us and are available when we need help.
ReplyDeleteWe wanted to do it our way, too!
DeleteGreat advice and cute kids!
ReplyDelete