You don't have to invite him to your holidays

 This was a Big Realization.

{I had this conversation with the therapist, too.}

I asked Chloe what she would think about me hanging Dad's stocking along with everyone else's this year.  She asked me if I were "in crisis".  So that got me to thinking: she is probably in a healthy place, allowing grief to live within the Christmas season.  Why shouldn't I?  There is actually no way to include someone who is no longer here.

So why would I hang a stocking?

For years, Mark was central to my Christmas. But I do not have to continue to include some homage to him -  a sentimental "Dad" gift (a mug with his picture on it, for example), a dish he would have wanted (no more ham balls!), a tradition he insisted upon (a real tree we all cut down).  And I can honor him any way I choose.  Although I could be somewhat snarky about this and say that I am doing so by living my fu*king life, I will do these things to remember him at this time of year as he was part of 40 of my Christmases:

*put a framed photo of him on my tree

*continue the Christmas traditions we set as new parents (stockings, for example)

*keep using the 1972 tree

*go to the church we married in and say a prayer for him

*hug my children which are the four best things we ever did

But the rest of whatever I do for Christmas will be based on what Gina wants.  It doesn't have to be complicated and I feel like this prolonged grief has made it so.  So as I work to untangle that, its a good idea to keep moving on with life.  And its Ok not to invite him to my Christmas this year.