This was a Big Realization.
{I had this conversation with the therapist, too.}
I asked Chloe what she would think about me hanging Dad's stocking along with everyone else's this year. She asked me if I were "in crisis". So that got me to thinking: she is probably in a healthy place, allowing grief to live within the Christmas season. Why shouldn't I? Its impossible to include someone who is no longer here.
So why would I hang a stocking?
For years, Mark was central to my Christmas. But I do not have to continue to include some homage to him - a sentimental "Dad" gift (a mug with his picture on it, for example), a dish he would have wanted (no more ham balls!), a tradition he insisted upon (a real tree we all cut down). And I can honor him any way I choose. Although I could be somewhat snarky about this and say that I am doing so by living my fu*king life, I will do these things to remember him at this time of year as he was part of 40 of my Christmases:
*put a framed photo of him on my tree
*continue the Christmas traditions we set as new parents (stockings, for example)
*keep using the 1972 tree
*go to the church we married in and say a prayer for him
*hug my children which are the four best things we ever did
But the rest of whatever I do for Christmas will be based on what Gina wants. It doesn't have to be complicated and I feel like this prolonged grief has made it so. So as I work to untangle that, its a good idea to keep moving on with life. And its Ok not to invite him to my Christmas this year.
I agree, it's okay to and I'll add, it's okay to. Whichever you want to do. Whichever makes your heart happy. Life is tangles. And that's okay too. Good to give ourselves some grace. Wishing you the Gina, the Christmas that you want. PS: I love fake trees! What do you feel about them?
ReplyDeleteI love fake trees!
DeleteMe too!
DeleteIt's a balance. I hate that with each yeas passing, I still struggle trying to make sense of holidays as the only one here between us. I'd like to honor him by disappearing to a tropical place with a pina colada, but that would really shake up the status.
ReplyDeleteI had someone tell me recently to basically stop fighting the feelings. Sit with them. We're all told this is a joyous time, but it isn't that way for everyone. I think you should start planning your 2026 Christmas vacay the day after Christmas this year (:
DeleteI think the remembering happens in the heart and no outward evidence is necessary. On the other hand if you feel like doing something just go ahead and do it.
ReplyDeleteRight - I'm here, I till matter, I want to still have some happy at Christmastime. And everything can't be just the way he wanted it.
DeleteThe holidays can be tricky, but it sounds like you've found a balance that works for you and that's the most important thing!
ReplyDeleteI am doing my very best!
DeleteI'm trying to think what I might stop doing if my husband was gone. He worked offshore for 30 years, so I swear the kids and I spent as many holidays and birthdays without him present as we did with him. We have always had to be pretty fluid with plans, and didn't have any real set-in-stone traditions. I always decorate on my own. Oh! That's what I would stop doing...I would stop hanging baseball ornaments on the tree, and I would never watch another televised sport again. If he outlives me, I guarantee he would never watch another 48 Hours.
ReplyDeleteI am really sorry that you are having to go through grief, it is so hard. I find your posts about it very thought provoking.
Thank you - its amazing what we discover about ourselves when we are not living in shadow of our partner, however safe and warm that is.
DeleteThis sounds very healthy and empowering! It's your holiday after all! Enjoy every bit of it that you can!
ReplyDeleteabsolutely!
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