Just over here on Widow Island...

...mulling over life and the future.

 

I popped into Hobby Lobby, intending to get some supplies to make a Pottery Barn knockoff ornament, but instead bought Christmas cards and an ornament for my bedroom tree.  While I was standing in line, a woman recognized me and called over from another waiting line.  She and I used to work at the same hospital and were work buddies for a short time.  She asked how my family was - not sure if she knew about Mark - and if I had retired. (doing well, and no)  Then told me that she and her hubby have been traveling a lot.  They had down-sized to a smaller place = no yardwork, retired, and are enjoying trips to Costa Rica as well as RV traveling.  I'm glad for them - grab life while you can.  Meanwhile, here I sit on Widow Island.  No partner, working full-time, no grandchildren, no plans to travel.  It kinda made me feel like I am doing Life all wrong.  And I feel like fate got to decide that for me because I was clueless.  As much as I want any of those things, they are not happening for me right now.  So here I sit, just before Christmas, contemplating things while I stare at the sky.  And it has me wondering: If I wanted to be somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else, how would I do that?  

So that's what I'm working on, over here on Widow Island.  If you are a widow - how did you figure out where to start?

What story does this ornament tell?

Christmas ornaments can be very sentimental and hold our memories.

I have always loved Pottery Barn Christmas ornaments - they are so beautiful.  And usually, they aren't super expensive - some of the ones I have were less than $9 each and came with free shipping.  Sometimes Mark and I would get them as a gift at his office Christmas party since the boss's wife was really into PB.  And sometimes I ordered them as Christmas gifts - especially for Chloe, as a mother/daughter Christmas tradition. They were sometimes also a once-a-year splurge for the family tree which was always styled elegantly, compared to the kid's tree.  But quite literally, I was the only one who it mattered to, and I bet my kids wouldn't even remember them.

Sometimes that's how it is with such things at your house - not every thing is meaningful to everyone who lives there.

I came across an ornament that I dubbed "the magical tree".  The year it came out, bottle brush trees were having a major moment.  They sold out pretty fast, and I remember sending a photo of this one to a friend with an excited "look what I got!" message.  Over the years I have babied the storage of this ornament, wrapping it carefully in bubble wrap and tissue paper, setting it at the top of the box so I wouldn't set something else on top of it.  I never hung it on the tree because it was "special", so it tended to live behind the glass of the china cabinet.  But what was so special about an ornament I couldn't even hang on our tree?

I feel like this ornament tells a story of valuing things over experiences and people.  Over making Christmas into a pursuit and accumulation of more stuff that is pretty, but not necessarily useful or even memorable.  It made me feel nothing when I saw it, so I wasn't going to set it out anywhere this year.  Then I decided to just hang it on the tree, stop prizing it so much (if it breaks, it breaks), and think about what I truly want to feel and experience this Christmas.

Maybe this tree was a literal message to me in a bottle.

You don't have to invite him to your holidays

 This was a Big Realization.

{I had this conversation with the therapist, too.}

I asked Chloe what she would think about me hanging Dad's stocking along with everyone else's this year.  She asked me if I were "in crisis".  So that got me to thinking: she is probably in a healthy place, allowing grief to live within the Christmas season.  Why shouldn't I?  Its impossible to include someone who is no longer here.

So why would I hang a stocking?

For years, Mark was central to my Christmas. But I do not have to continue to include some homage to him -  a sentimental "Dad" gift (a mug with his picture on it, for example), a dish he would have wanted (no more ham balls!), a tradition he insisted upon (a real tree we all cut down).  And I can honor him any way I choose.  Although I could be somewhat snarky about this and say that I am doing so by living my fu*king life, I will do these things to remember him at this time of year as he was part of 40 of my Christmases:

*put a framed photo of him on my tree

*continue the Christmas traditions we set as new parents (stockings, for example)

*keep using the 1972 tree

*go to the church we married in and say a prayer for him

*hug my children which are the four best things we ever did

But the rest of whatever I do for Christmas will be based on what Gina wants.  It doesn't have to be complicated and I feel like this prolonged grief has made it so.  So as I work to untangle that, its a good idea to keep moving on with life.  And its Ok not to invite him to my Christmas this year.

Happy things for Winter, 2025

Well, I definitely do not want to have to wait until June to enjoy some abundance!

And I agree that a positive attitude will attract good luck.

I did, after all, have "expect the best" tattooed on my arm...so here is the current list of happy things as we go into winter:

*I have done all of my Christmas gift shopping, and any last minute gifts will come from the candy store aka liquor store. Decorating will be pretty simple, as will be meal planning. 

*I am done with indoor painting for the year and I have made more progress in making my home reflect who I am and what I need.  I have zero guilt about getting rid of things that don't serve me. (looking at you, black and white chairs)

*I have had a busy year getting out and about to movies, concerts, and events.  I am looking forward to a couple of other "date nights" with myself, but also lots of reading on my new couch.  I want to catch up on all the books I have on my 'to read' list.

Going in to this season I am protecting my peace of mind and free time, and I am feeling more gratitude each day.  The goal is to simplify and enjoy what I have, putting a hold on big projects until next year.  Setting up new traditions and honoring the old.  And making plans for all that may come in 2026 - attracting abundance!

What I'm into now and what I'm not

This is a post topic I borrowed from another blog - written by Kari at A Grace Full Life.  And I gave some thought about this because, whoa, my life is so different now from what it once was.

And hitting a milestone birthday yesterday makes it all more current!

Things I used to be into:

a lot more sewing 

writing/typing letters

talking on the phone

decorating my house for the seasons

visiting wineries

filling up photo albums

coloring my hair

needlecrafts

cooking

Things I am into now:

meditation

journaling and blogging

texting friends

purging what I own, often

sitting on my back deck and listening to the birds

working jigsaw puzzles

reading

not cooking

simplifying life

With age I have discovered a new authentic me. This is a season of discovery for me and I am excited to see where it leads me.  The life I used to live is no more, and maybe this is exactly where I were supposed to end up.  I don't know, but I am OK with changing my focus as the years have gone by. What about you?  Any discoveries on life now vs. life then?

Embracing heartache

 When I was having dinner with Firstborn a while back, he mentioned he needed a wall calendar to stay better organized.  I find that amusing as I know I've given him plenty of those in the past and thought he wasn't really using them!  But I took advantage of a sale and create a photo calendar for all of my peeps as a gift for Christmas.  My idea was to use printed photos from our family photo albums - the funny and cute ones that they probably don't remember ever seeing.  I probably have enough photos to make calendars for years to come!  On the cover is this gem from 1990:

Which cracks me up every time.

I've felt mad for various reasons these past four years.  I think my brain was trying to protect my heart by allowing me to live in the anger.  It was easier (although not pleasant) to be mad than heartbroken.  Anger gives you energy to purge your garage and get shit done whereas heartbreak gives you tears and wasted days spent on the couch.

I want so much to move through this time in my life and emerge in a good place.  And I thought I was making good progress (sloooowly) until I was told I probably have complicated grief. So, there's more work to be done, for sure.  But I am determined.

All it took was going through the photo albums to see, really see, all of the losses - parents, in-laws, spouse.  Kids growing up and moving out.  The loss of me, too - the progression of sweet young thing to overworked and frustrated mom and wife to widow.  Its a lot to process.

I don't look through them all that often but every time I think "I wish Mark were here to talk to about this", which is ironic, no?

So my goal for these photos is to embrace the heartache and look through them with an open mind. Pull the photos out to look at them, but put the anger back into the box, and open up the possibility of more happy.  Because, there was a lot of happy back then and there can be more ahead, too.

Another Dumb thing, exhibit B

I bought a four pack of symphony tickets, thinking that it would be a great way to entertain myself and Get Out There.  All four tickets reserve the same seat for four shows spread out from now thru May of next year.  I didn't realize that the symphony would be playing the score along with a screening of the movie, but whatever, the music is so good and you almost forget that a live symphony is playing along to it!  The four shows are Return of the Jedi, Home Alone, Pirates of The Caribbean, and Video Games Live! (think Final Fantasy)
 

Got ready to go, drove downtown, secured parking, found my ticket on my phone, got a drink, then settled into my seat to people watch.  The lights go down and we are 5 minutes into the show when someone comes up to my seat saying its their seat.  Nope.  I pulled up a picture on my phone of my ticket to show to him. Both of us are confused.  He and his wife finagled myself and the two guys sitting on my right to scoot down 1 seat, so we agreed for the sake of minimizing the interruption.

Do you see where this is going?

I had the right row, right seat number, WRONG SECTION OF THE CONCERT HALL.

I was supposed to be in the upper balcony.

At intermission, the woman who asked me to move made small talk with me, asking me if I were there alone.  Perhaps she thought my group of nursing home seniors had lost one of their own.  I excused myself to go potty and asked a very nice usher about my ticket, and he pointed that that I was supposed to be in the balcony section, but told me to "sit anywhere there is a vacant seat because the view is better in this section".  So I did and enjoyed the rest of the show, having annoyed basically everyone on either side of me.

Ooops.

I will not repeat that mistake for the next three shows in this ticket pack...and I hope no one remembers me!