Still his mom

I don't worry that my son will read this post as he seems to be disconnected from us all right now.  He might answer me a few days after I send a text, and then I will notice that he is posting on Insta fairly often.  He recently posted about feeling stupid for being so sensitive all of his life, buried in his insecurities in high school, hidden in his hoodie, listening to music rather than interact.  But he was so kind and friendly as a kid! Then he finished by saying that his gf had been supportive and helpful to him and really helped him understand himself.  I have been telling him for months to text or call me anytime and that we am here for him.  My thought is that maybe the job change/pandemic/election situation has  been hard for him to cope with but he is using it to distance himself from his family.

I really just don't know what to say.  I think all young adults go through a time of self-discovery, and possibly they want to lay blame on their upbringing, and credit on their significant others.  And granted, this pandemic has really fucked with the minds of a lot of people. But I can tell you he was never ever without a clean home, clean clothes, soft and cozy bed. 

And a family who loves him.

He turns 25 today.  I miss him so much it hurts sometimes.  He is my sweet and beautiful child and he always will be.  And my hope is that, one day, he will move forward in his life and not let excuses hold him back.  And also remember that we are still here for him.  

Low Key Mostly Austin 35th Anniversary Weekend

 Hubby and I had all kinds of plans for this year, as did everyone else on Earth, I know.  It was supposed to be a Big Year for anniversary, vacation, birthday, etc.  And most of that has taken a backseat to a bunch of other crap that all of us could have probably done without.  But instead of crying about how we aren't getting what we want, I decided to make a plan for a weekend of just us, celebrating us.

Anniversary Wining and Dining

Friday

Possibly G is getting off early! (4:30 p.m.)

If so, head to Liberty Hill Beer Market for a bite to eat and a brewsky, followed by campfire at Highlands. (Maybe they will have live music!)

(If I don't get off early, I will package up dinner to travel, you can get the growler filled at The Growler Room and we just head to Highlands)

Saturday

Breakfast? We can make it at Highlands.

Lunch at Young's BBQ in Lampasas (open 11 a.m. - get extra BBQ for dinner?)

Maybe go to that store on the main drag

Wine at TNL, live music 2 – 5 p.m. (Wake Eastman)

Hang out at Highlands

Home to Rustown, toast with champagne and eat L.O. BBQ or catch a food trailer at one of the breweries

Sunday

Church at St Luke's 9 a.m.* (we need to be there at 8:30)

Brunch at Estancia at noon (Arboretum) grilled salmon? candied bacon? Creme Brulee? Charcuterie? Yes to all.

Hang out at Rustown, Napping and digesting

Movie at Lakeline Alamo Drafthouse (Save Yourselves) at 6 p.m. (fried pickles and a pizza, please)

Monday

Stroll through Zilker Gardens ($12) and take pics

Go to the Capitol and take a pic on the star ($0)

Happy Hour at Polvos (Nueces location) 4-7 p.m. (margaritassss....yesss) I don't think we need reservations, but I can call

Pick up something for dinner at Central Market (scallops?, Caesar salad? a great dessert) that we cook at home OR find a place to eat dinner

Look at our photo albums (:

******

I told Hubby he could add to this list and he said, no, it sounded great. Maybe we can also work on our plan for 2021...

From Hero to Zero

Last night, I came back to my computer at my work station to see this tiny noose hanging from one of the computers.  I knew immediately whodunnit, and knew that they were trying to put a comic spin on the way we are all feeling about the job lately.  Laugh or cry, your choice.

We like to ask each other to "just kill me now", meaning we feel at the end of our ropes.  There are as many reasons to feel despondent at work as there are to feel happy lately.  You can't put a positive spin on everything.  So we vent.  And we say ridiculous things.

Its funny.  But its also sad.  Work seems very different now.  We do not have the same situation as some of the other hospitals in our system - our numbers are very low.  The only "crisis" happening is that we have too few patients for all of the professionals who work there.  So soon, our supervisor will have to ask for volunteers to use their PTO (or agree to take no pay) and go home.  Sometimes more than one employee per day, which means that all of us may average a couple of days a week.  

I, like many others, know exactly how much PTO I have and that it will run out before respiratory season is in full swing.  I also know how much money I must bring in for us to comfortably live and meet our obligations, including expenses for a college child.  And I feel the coming pinch of the holidays, not to mention looming retirement.  I need to maximize working full-time.  As I told someone today, we went from being heroes to being zeros.  Because that's what it feels like.  

Signs

Its JUNE.   The last day, praise.

 So when I see these signs pop up 3 MONTHS after this pandemic has begun it makes me feel bratty and mad and all kinds of other words like

recalcitrant

obstinate

rebellious

and annoyed

I mean for God's sake, did The Man just decide this was important?  More than masks?  More than handwashing?  Than staying home if you're sick?

It might as well say PLEASE DON'T SUE US IF YOU GET SICK.

Take the stairs.

And the sign said long haired freaky people need not apply
So I tucked my hair up under my hat and I went in to ask him why
He said you look like a fine upstanding young man, I think you'll do
So I took off my hat I said imagine that, huh, me working for you

woah!

Sign Sign everywhere a sign
Blocking out the scenery breaking my mind
Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign

And the sign said anybody caught trespassing would be shot on sight
So I jumped on the fence and yelled at the house, Hey! what gives you the right
To put up a fence to keep me out or to keep mother nature in
If God was here, he'd tell you to your face, man you're some kinda sinner

Sign Sign everywhere a sign
Blocking out the scenery breaking my mind
Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign

Now, hey you Mister! can't you read, you got to have a shirt and tie to get a seat
You can't even watch, no you can't eat, you ain't suppose to be here
Sign said you got to have a membership card to get inside

Uh!

And the sign said everybody welcome, come in, kneel down and pray
But when they passed around the plate at the end of it all,
I didn't have a penny to pay, so I got me a pen and a paper and I made up my own little sign
I said thank you Lord for thinking about me, I'm alive and doing fine

Sign Sign everywhere a sign
Blocking out the scenery breaking my mind
Do this, don't do that, cant you read the sign!
{5 Man Electric Band}

I'm not wearing a mask in the parking garage, give me a break.  And if I don't know how to wear one after all these years you got bigger problems.

******

Thank you Lord, I'm alive and doing fine.

Over it

We stopped at HEB in Burnet last weekend for a new propane tank, and as I sat in the truck waiting for Hubby, I realized I never ranted and raved in a post about how much I hate grocery shopping during this whole pandemic.  I know that no one does, and I hate to put a lot of negativity out into the universe.  But the contrast between how people behave in Burnet stores versus Austin stores is real.  Bottom line:  people in Austin were over the top scared of the outside world and each other, and in light of how dysfunctional our society seems at the moment, it says a lot about how Austinites see themselves and each other.  I'm not in the camp that sees Covid-19 as a one-off.  Science says it will mutate.  It will reoccur.  Viruses have been with us forever and will continue to be.  We cannot hide from them in our homes forever.

It's called Life on This Planet.

I work in healthcare, which makes me no expert, but I feel like people are losing their marbles over it.  Is is a blanket statement to say that people in Burnet don't treat each other as pariahs?  Because they don't.  That people here are still making friendly conversation?  That they are generally happy to see you and your dollars, helping their business stay afloat?  That folks seems to drive friendlier, check you and your groceries out friendlier, and in general, just behave friendlier?  I think it will be hard, once this pandemic has eased, to go back to business as usual for Austin.  I feel very over living here, and that makes me feel sad as I chose to be here and raise a family.  Now I am looking forward to leaving this place and being somewhere with a totally different vibe.
My advice, as always, is:  stay home if your'e sick, wash your hands often, and cover your coughs.
With, or without, a global pandemic.  And try not to panic.


Gina

  

So, anyhoo...

Today the Rustico prompt asked "what phrase do you overuse?".  And I laughed, because my phrase says a lot about me.  I like to talk.  So much so that my mother would tease me about it (unkindly).  Oh, for precocious children that keep you on your toes!

Where is this painting?  I can't find it !  Somewhere in my house, but where?

Its not like I'm a super engaging or gregarious person, like Mark.  But once I know someone and feel comfortable having a conversation about work or life, I'm off to the races.  I will often tell a story or some such then trail off with "anyhoo..." or "anyhoodle...".  My daughter has even picked up the habit from me, which I find funny.  She's my mini-me.  Its also funny that I don't type it, I just say it.  Almost like I don't want the conversation to end.  And when I'm chatting with one of my peeps or a friend, I guess I don't.  Anyhoodle...

Whats the worst thing you've ever done?

Oh, man.  This will be hard to write.  Sometimes late at night my brain pokes me with a sharp stick, inviting me to re-live the things I've done, stoking the guilt.  Once its done, a softer voice inside says "you learned from it and won't do it again so why torture yourself?"    Things I am not proud of:

Yep, that's me.  A cactus.

*I once told a couple of men dressed as clowns that I had just found out I had cancer.  Why?  Because they were taunting me to "smile" at work as I was coming back to the department from doing something stressful.

*As a teenager I wrote all over my mother's wood paneled walls with chalk in huge loopy letters that my step-mother was a better mother than she.  Why?  Because I was having a very hard time and she didn't seem to care.

*I scared the living daylights out of Grayson by screaming at him over him stealing a Walkman out of someone's backpack at school and getting caught on a security camera.  Why?  Because I was shocked and disappointed and scared.

*I yelled at Dylan, scaring him (at age 4!) when I was at my wit's end trying to potty train him.  Why? Because I was very low on patience and probably exhausted.

*I pinched Chloe's butt so hard it made her shriek and run from the room on Christmas Eve in '95.  Why?  She was over-excited, tired, and misbehaving.

*We agreed to spanking Spencer for misbehaving in school, and Mark did it one day, leaving bruises on the child's rear and that was a mistake that we never repeated again.  Why did we do it?  We were inexperienced parents.

*I got into serious trouble in high school with my boyfriend.  I made poor grades in college and drank too much.  I push people away, including siblings.  I was a bad employee at several jobs in the past.

But even cacti bloom

I am not a perfect person, but I love my family, so it causes me pain to make so many mistakes.   Poke, poke, poke.  

Most of these things are one-offs that I haven't repeated.  I did learn.  Still, on my deathbed, I have a lot to apologize for, even if I said sorry already.  Why is it so hard to give yourself a little grace and hear that soft voice more often?

What's your go-to social network?

I found this prompt to be somewhat ironic, given that the computer is about the only social network any of us is getting to use right now.  That being said, I only ever look at Facebook or Instagram.  Instagram mainly for people's photos of their kids/dogs, wineries happenings, what someone cooked.  The only reason for me to look at Facebook at all is for the memes.

Which are hilarious and clever and only a teensy bit political, if at all.  A welcome break.

I don't even read the news unless I am at work, which has become not so much a respite from the virus/political news as a mind-numbing challenge of who can get through the next 8 hours of boredom.  Which I guess I should be grateful for.  Things at work could always be worse.

Anything with Chuck Norris makes me laugh.

Funny things are almost always true things.  Or things you have secretly thought, yourself...

 I know that some folks are starting to feel squirrel-y - I think Mark is feeling the stress.  He's gone from being his workplace cheerleader to simply helping his co-workers put out their work-from-home fires.  He doesn't even wear shoes during the week, which I think is a mistake if you are trying to get your mind into the work zone.   I guess its a saving grace that I get to leave the house 4 days out of 7.

Otherwise I would be home wearing my ratty tee shirts and men's boxers with my houseshoes all day.  Thank goodness all I have to do is pull on clean scrubs and pack some leftovers for dinner.  No point in fixing my hair (I need a haircut badly) so I just pull it into a pony tail and call it done.  Make-up is very minimal.  Earrings on.  Boom.  I'm ready to go.

If you rely on any sort of social media for any news or updates you will  be woefully uninformed, and yet I see people every day on there who instead of trying to connect with people, or laugh, continue pushing their social and political agendas.  I just scroll past.

For me, there is no greater medicine than laughter.

If I think too far ahead to June or July, I feel like we'll never get there.  So far away.  So many unknowns.  I mean, I want so badly for this to be over.  But I want it to be really over.  None of this gradual return to life crap.

I think when all of this social distancing is over, can we go back to actually in-person social networks?  Remember meeting people and having face to face convos?  Remember hugs and handshakes?  Groups of folks enjoying themselves?

My first job.

My first job, at age 15, was at a Baskin-Robbins in Galveston, Texas.  {my older sister, Maggie, worked at a different BR in Galveston for a short time, and I thought it sounded like a fun job.  She used to bring us home whatever we wanted!} Digging around in my photos, I realized I didn't have any pictures of this, but here's what I looked like at that age:

My hair was always long, no matter how hot it got in the summer!

Galveston in the 70's was a fun place - lots for teenagers to get in trouble with.  The beach was where we mostly hung out - riding bikes along the seawall, eating at Jack In The Box or Whataburger or Taco Bell, and working on our tans.  But having a job meant my summer free time was fairly well occupied.  In addition, I had some financial responsibility (and freedom) as my dollar or two weekly allowance wasn't cutting it.  My hourly pay was something like $1.50 an hour, and most of it went to things like clothes, albums, and my cafeteria lunch card at school.  My mother abruptly stopped giving me allowance at that point, anyway.  I met other teenagers, got my first boyfriend, and ate all the ice cream I could.  To this day I remember the feel of the hot metal ice cream scoop in my hands and the smell of the deep freeze.  My favorite flavors were Jamoca Almond Fudge and Pralines and Cream.  I'm not sure I learned any valuable life lessons there, but it was fun.  And I guess it kept me out of trouble for a time...

Crazy times

Seems like old news now to talk about the crazy scenes in grocery stores.  {Side note:  have you ever seen so many men in a grocery store line?}

It took me by surprise.  Because I, like everyone else in the medical world, was focused on what we (as a medical community) were gearing up for health-wise.  How would that affect our volumes in the hospital?  How would staffing be affected?  What about co-workers with ill and aging parents?  Or school aged children?  As I pondered how I was going to need to gear up for work, it didn't occur to me that I couldn't continue on with my after work hours life.

Whether or not I would be able to get toilet paper or basic groceries was not a huge concern for me.  I knew the grocery stores would be busy last Friday, but I did not expect this.  I kept thinking: something bad must be happening if there's this big a run on the grocery store.

I had a reasonable list.  One cart, reasonably full.  That was definitely not the norm. {I even picked up a new skillet I needed!}  I walked through the store gingerly dodging the HEB Curbside folks filling giant rolling carts, employees desperately trying to off-load pallets, and so. many. people.  Many of whom had this "deer in the headlights" expression.

For some people, I guess Chinet dinner napkins or paper towels are an OK substitute for toilet paper.  {Better get a plumber on speed dial, lady.}  I just don't get it.  You aren't being quarantined right now unless you are sick, just follow the current guidelines.  You don't need enough groceries or dinner napkins for the zombie apocalypse.  The grocery stores right now are short on employees.  And time.  They have plenty of food in warehouses.  Its coming.  They just need to close the stores earlier to get it stocked.  And their employees probably could use giant raises.  And a break.

After all, they have families, too.

Here's a thought or two:  I think we should all unplug from the news outlets on the internet, turn off the TV after the first 5 minutes of a newscast (thats when you get the updates), and try to relax a little.  Use some common sense with all of this information and don't try to second guess or read into what you are told.  (for your own sake, limit time on social media unless you are there to read funny X-ray tech memes) Spend time outdoors, taking a walk with your dog or simply unwinding with a glass of wine on the patio.  We are whipping ourselves into a frenzy of fear that will have much longer-lasting and wide-ranging effects than a few weeks of social distancing.

Is this the Millenial's  new 911?  Is it everyone's?

What is your personal credo?

Lately my credo has been this:  do not harm but take no shit.

I've noticed that men want to talk over me, or ignore me, or mansplain something.  This happens at work, the hardware store, the oil change place...  And I'm not having it.  My being a gray-haired old lady, means I've been around the block a time or two and have learned to think and speak for myself.  So please don't think I will just smile and be pleasant while you are marginalizing me.  I can speak properly to get my thoughts or questions across, your suggestions are welcome if I asked for them.  I don't set out to be argumentative or cross  - I use the Golden Rule as a starting point.  But when I am not afforded the same courtesy by someone,  its on.  I think its tied in to general burnout over the last couple of years.  My "vacation" away from my job this week was good timing.  But also, its me feeling tired of just letting people get away with pulling one over on you.  

So, stand up for yourself.  Speak your mind.  Own your opinions.  Take no shit.

Even from people you love.

Positive changes

Mark and I have been eating so many veggies its not funny.  And though I do long for the days of rice, mashed potatoes, and mac and cheese, I have to say, I am feeling far healthier.  I *think* my BP is down (haven't been good about taking it lately), I have dropped a few pounds here and there, and I am sleeping well.  Plus, my energy level is up!  So here is what we (mostly I) are currently doing:

Peppers and eggs, cottage cheese

Black coffee, no creamer!
Lots of water during the day - I'm completely off soda, rarely drink iced tea
Lots of cooked and raw veggies - both for meals and for snacks
Fresh fruits
Red meat no more than once a week, and we eat fish or chicken breast a lot
Oatmeal 3X a week
No more than 3 eggs per week, and usually less
Waaay less salt and I read the labels on things obsessively now, looking for sodium content
Whole grains, in bread and side dishes (farro!)
Less fried food when we eat out, not as many canned or frozen things at home
Less sugar - we use honey in our oatmeal
And, we both cut back on the beer and wine and neither of us eat breakfast or lunch out during the week.

******

Mark was pretty grumpy this morning over his weight not dropping - but he is stress eating a lot of popcorn and other stuff at the end of the day, plus I'm not sure that he eats enough during the day or drinks enough water or moves from his desk much.  {I can only make suggestions!}  As for me, I am scheduled for a follow up with my doc at the end of February and I am looking forward to getting a good report.  I know that I have made positive changes that I can maintain.  Along with dietary changes, we are making big ones on finances, too.  Another story for another day...

Are you a city or country person?

I'm using writing prompts from Rustico and although I won't blog a post everyday, I will try to do it at least once a week!

******

Our retirement place is out in the country, and though I love it, I'm not one on living the rustic life.  I don't particularly like hearing the coyotes wail at night when they sound like they're on the other side of the fence.  I don't like that there is almost zero light outside to see as you figure your way to the pumphouse to go potty.  I am not a fan of snakes and scorpions.  I don't like that mice can easily take over wherever you are planning to prepare a meal - the BBQ grill, for example. I hate that my "kids" won't be coming there to spend larger chunks of time with us and that we have to give up Camp Rustown to be out there.   And I am worried about being isolated out there, just Mark and me, old and vulnerable, and alone, just the two of us. 

But.

I'm excited to build and design a house that meets our tastes and needs, not just one that's conveniently big enough and in a good school district.  I look forward to us gardening together.  I like that we can sit on our lawn chairs and look around at the countryside and think "this belongs to us".  I like to imagine that Mark and I will have a magical place for our grandchidren to look forward to visiting in the summer and at Christmastime.  And I know that, Mark in particular, will be happier and more relaxed when we are out here, and that will make me happy, too.

Well.  I guess that makes me a country person.  Although I do love Camp Rustown and it will be so bittersweet to leave a place where we have raised our family.

How do you normally spend your weekends?

*I'm using writing prompts from Rustico and although I won't blog a post everyday, I will try to do it at least once a week!

******

{During the week, I also blog a weekend re-cap on The Cannary Family so that I can journal our weekends.}  Since we both still work full-time, Mark and I have only two full days each week to "go and do" together and we try to fill those days with as much exploring and relaxing as we can.  (read: NOT wasted on housework or chores at Camp Rustown)  Sometimes that means we drive a bit - visiting new wineries, a brewery, or distillery and enjoy the beauty of Central Texas.  There's no one at home waiting for us and no one to tag along.  Sometimes we will meet my sister and BIL somewhere, but just as often its just us two.
Which is fine.

Mark at Vista Brewing

When our kids were little, we had no money for such things, and weekends were a chance to catch up for the week on laundry, groceries, etc.  So we were mostly hanging out at home, though we also went to parks, the pool, and such.  When our family grew to six of us, I went on the weekend shift at work.  There was no way we could have afforded daycare for four kids in the summer.  Mark was the one shuttling them to scouting or swim team or bowling or karate or birthday parties. It was drudgery at times, sure.  But, it baffles me that people take kids to breweries and wineries.  With both parents drinking.  Not to be all judgey, but even if we'd had the money to do that, we wouldn't have.

Highlands

Sometimes weekends are a time for hanging out at Highlands (our property in Burnet), listening to all of the "quiet" from our lounge chairs,  enjoying nature during the day, a quiet firepit at night.  We might eat breakfast out at a favorite Mexican restaurant, or or work on some projects up there like the current barn build-out.  But mostly we recharge.  On Sunday afternoons we walk down to the swing at the far end of our drive for a view of the lake and just sit and talk about future plans.  Its very bittersweet to walk back up the hill, pack up the truck, and head back to Austin.  But we know that we have a cozy home to come home to, usually with a nice dinner.  

And since most weekends are over in a flash - we want to spend them like shiny new pennies!

Me, prompted

One of my favorite blogs to follow is writing her second blog, somewhat like MY second blog, in which she gets to share a little bit more about her personally.  Not just the things she does to help her family on a daily basis, or how she saves money, or what she cooks, but more things about her.  Things she remembers, believes, aspires to, thinks, relates, regrets... {I might be embellishing it based on what I got from what I've read so far, bear with me}

And I thought, YES, PROMPTS.  That's exactly what I want to do with It's Just Me, Gina.  Because I sometimes think that life is too messy (and stressful) to blog about for strangers, even ones who might read this second blog o' mine.  Because I run out of ideas.  Because I worry that dwelling on my negative thoughts will plow me under - hence I need neutral ones.  Because I want to journal in a way that might inform or amuse my kids someday.  And because it feels creative and interesting.

So.

I'm going to find a source for those prompts and if I can't, I might just travel along with the other blogger and get some ideas for them.  Or maybe I will come up with a list of my own, entirely.  But prompts, yes. And maybe a bit of family history?  And lots of old photos.  

The health story for January - a recurrent theme here

Last month I went for my "well woman" yearly physical and got quite the side eye from my doc.  Long story short:  my weight is creeping up (says she), my blood pressure is too high (true), and my labs came back with bad numbers (high cholesterol and increased blood sugar).  The only good thing to come out of it was that my thyroid levels were good on this increased dose, so she's leaving me there.  (Thank goodness because on the lower dose I felt exhausted)

Almond butter on whole wheat English muffin with a small banana

where is the plate, Gina.

I knew I had to change things.  But I hate calling it a diet (I dispute the weight thing) so I am calling it a healthy eating plan.  To that end, I am enlisting my daughter, who is on a similar plan, to help keep me in check.  I send her random pics of food I am eating and she encourages me.  This new plan is 90% mental, 10% food.

CHEAT MEAL!  Chicken fried chicken (I scraped off some of the gravy), okra (only ate 1/2), and unsalted corn.  It can't be all healthy foods on the weekends - after all, weekends are supposed to be a break from the week

I actually do feel a little better and I have lost two pounds, though I still need to weigh myself today.  I think a lot of it was water weight.  And my clothes all still fit about the same.  The high BP was making me feel terrible, so cutting salt has been a good thing.  I bought a blood pressure cuff that connects via Bluetooth to my phone and I can upload the results to a note to my doc.  Its still on the high side, but I FEEL differently, so I think I can improve it.

 Corn tortilla, egg, cheese, side of fruit.

No more half and half in my morning coffee.  Apparently calcium impairs thyroid med uptake.  So, one cup of black coffee it is.  If I need one in the afternoons, I can still do that as it has been well over 4 hours since I took the med by then.  And I haven't purchased coffee creamer in months.

Buffalo Chicken salad on whole wheat, apple

I'm not tossing all of the food we have already, just gradually replacing it as we go.  I started our produce deliveries back up.  Sent a bunch of stuff with Gray back to college.  Serving myself much smaller portions of those foods that aren't the healthiest - like the Buffalo Chicken Salad pictured above.  Baby steps.

Oatmeal - four mornings out of 5 in my workweek

Cutting out eggs, bacon, and fast food on the way to work in the mornings is making me feel better, I think.  Though I still spend a lot of time at work feeling hungry,  I wonder if I wasn't just using snacks as a stress reliever.  According to Chloe, I need to pack more food everyday than I think I will eat.

Anyhoo, that's the story for January.  Eat more fruit and veg, lay off the salt, drink less, eat less red meat and more fish.  Inhale. Exhale. Live.