Here we go again

 Here we go!

HERE  WE  GO  AGAIN.

Here. We. Go.

Why am I so resistant to taking antidepressants.  Like why is it OK if I support someone else taking them, but not myself?  As my doc said, depression is a treatable illness, just like any other number of things.

But I was so hoping I was done with it.  I didn't factor in Mom dying, which threw things off.  I was looking forward to handling my life, and feeling all the feels on my own. I wanted to experience happiness along with the sadness, and somehow, the meds always blunt everything.  But after a tense and unhappy Thursday evening with me overreacting and acting cray-cray, crying and shaking while my son asked me WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? it occurred to me that maybe the chaos I was feeling inside was also being felt outside - by him, and maybe by others.  I'm doing this for me, and them, too.  I want to feel better, in all ways.

So here we go again.

Happy Things for June 2024

 

*The focus this month will be taking charge of my health and my weight, working on habits I want to change: eating late, fast food, no exercise, no time spent on hobbies or pastimes, excessive worry and rumination.  I am putting a plan into action that I think will bring me good results.

*I am done with the garage cleaning and purging, along with cleaning out my mother's home, so that is no longer weighing on me.  I got rid of the last few things I could and stored the rest and I am OK with that as a stopping point.

*On-going conversations with my sister continue as we move through Mom's loss.  While I can't say we are friends, I can say that we are on more common ground.  And we agreed not to stew too much over the sad and stressful last few months.

*Lastly: FINALLY got resolution to retirement account funds I didn't know Mark had.  The money will be rolled over into my own retirement account.  It was not a lot of money, but he earned it and I'm adding it to my long-term pot.

I'm ready for some summer!

Dream feelings #9

 Teddy:

     Someone handed me a ring and I understood it immediately to be an engagement ring from Mark.  (Not a memory of our previous engagement - a whole new one)  It was a flat, medium width band, in silver, with a brushed finish, and a single smallish diamond in the center. I thought: Why didn't Mark give this to me himself? I noticed it had a strange mechanism on it, like a sort of hook and eye that was designed to hold it together with another ring.  While I was googling about that to see how it worked I heard a baking and commotion just outside. I looked out through a door into a yard.  It was dark outside.  There was a porchlight illuminating the back of Mark who was wearing a tan coat and had a dog (Teddy?) on a leash. I turned away for a second and the barking and growling got louder, and I could tell there was a dog fight happening.  I heard Mark shout: "Ranger!* Retreat!".  I stood back in the doorway looking out into the night and Mark was nearer, throwing something heavy into the trashcan next to the door.  He said in a very anguished, loud voice "He's dead. Dead!". I heard Mark's voice very clearly, full of despair, and I could tell he was so upset.  The dream ended.  I felt very sad and as it was 4:30 a.m. I just went ahead and got up for the day.

There's so much for me to unpack here:

The details of the ring

Me thinking lately about what Chloe will do when Teddy dies

The neighbor's dog, Ranger, has barked and growled at me several times and I am so irritated with Joe, his owner.

A tan coat?

The emotion in Mark's voice

Were the dogs just a metaphor?  Dogs in my dreams = fear

Yuck. What a way to start my workweek.