Here we go again

 Here we go!

HERE  WE  GO  AGAIN.

Here. We. Go.

Why am I so resistant to taking antidepressants.  I don't really have an answer to that.  I had a friend ask me recently.  Like why is it OK if I support someone else taking them, but not myself?  As my primary care doc (an Internist) said, depression is a treatable illness, just like any other number of things.

I mean, I get that.

But I was so hoping I had crossed that hump off the list last year and was done with it.  I didn't factor in Mom dying, which threw off the whole ball of wax.  I was looking forward to handling my life, you know?  Feeling all the feels on my own. I wanted to experience happiness along with the sadness, and somehow, the meds always blunt everything.  But after a tense and unhappy Thursday evening with me overreacting and acting cray-cray, crying and shaking while my son asked me WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? it occurred to me that maybe the chaos I was feeling inside was also being felt outside - by him, and maybe by others.  {Although, I guess he could have been kinder about it}  I'm doing this for me.  I'm doing this for them.  I want to feel better, in all ways.

So here we go again.

The daily routine

I get so tired of feeling "at loose ends" on my days off.  You would think that I have not only plenty of time to get things done, but also plenty of time leftover for actual fun and relaxation.  No time for boredom, right?  Somewhere in the middle is true.  Most of the time, I underestimate the time it will take me in the mornings to finally get moving and get something done besides the Wordle or mindless scrolling on Instagram.  (I finally had to uninstall Instagram and deactivate FaceBook because my phone useage was ridiculous) I came up with a loose plan for my days that I actually wrote down, so that I could direct myself and give some balance to life.  My goal was to have some productive time, some relaxation time, and some self care time.  

*Get up at 6 a.m. 

*get coffee, sit on my deck

*make a To Do list for the day

*take my heartburn med at 8 (this will end soon), do a minor chore like empty the dishwasher or make my bed, then fix and eat breakfast. Clean the kitchen up.

*Work on what ever I have on my To Do list and lately, there's not enough there to keep me occupied all day.  Mostly because I see certain things on the list and think "oh, I'll never get that done its too BIG" and so it gets put off

*lunch at 1 p.m., almost always at home

*its too hot to do anything but I force myself to either walk, go run some errands (i.e. leave the house, sit in the sun for a little while, or read

*Dinner at 6 p.m., almost always something I cook

*more reading, or find a small chore to do that didn't get done during the day, shower

*Lights out at 930 p.m., listening to a short meditation if I am not sleepy enough

My mother used to tell me she had nothing to write me about because she "leads a boring life".  But I feel like that is happening to myself as well and its so ironic, given the things I do manage to do in those four days' time.  And I think she must have been referring the the mental boredom of going through the day with only her thoughts.  She had chickens, a garden, a dog, 42 games to play on Wednesdays, trips to the library, pickles and jams to preserve, quilts to complete, certain shows she loved to watch, among other things.  But I struggle to come up with a list of  "Things Other Than Chores to Occupy My Time".

I don't want to garden.  I don't want to deal with a pet. I'm not retired yet and I can still drive.  I read blogs by other women in similar circumstances and I wonder how they avoid going batty.  I plan on investigating various continuing education opportunities, and maybe some freelance something or other.  Investigating some hobbies. Getting started is the hardest part. 

Suggestions are welcomed.

Happy Things for June 2024

 

*The focus this month will be taking charge of my health and my weight.  Mostly I am working on habits I want to change: eating late, fast food, no exercise, no time spent on hobbies or pastimes, excessive worry and rumination.  I am putting a plan into action that I think will bring me good results.

*I am done with the garage cleaning and purging, along with cleaning out my mother's home, so that is no longer weighing on me.  I got rid of the last few things I could and stored the rest and I am OK with that as a stopping point.  In the Fall, I will reassess.

*On-going conversations with my sister continue as we move through Mom's loss.  While I can't say we are friends, I can say that we are on more common ground.  And we agreed not to stew too much over the sad and stressful last few months.

*Lastly: FINALLY got resolution to retirement account funds I didn't know Mark had (I think he forgot, too).  The money will be rolled over into my own retirement account.  It was not a lot of money, but he earned it and I'm adding it to my long-term pot.

I'm ready for some summer!

Dream feelings #9

 Teddy:

     Someone handed me a ring and I understood it immediately to be an engagement ring from Mark.  (Not a memory of our previous engagement - a whole new one)  It was a flat, medium width band, in silver, with a brushed finish, and a single smallish diamond in the center. I thought: Why didn't Mark give this to me himself? I noticed it had a strange mechanism on it, like a sort of hook and eye that was designed to hold it together with another ring.  While I was googling about that to see how it worked I heard a baking and commotion just outside. I looked out through a door into a yard.  It was dark outside.  There was a porchlight illuminating the back of Mark who was wearing a tan coat and had a dog (Teddy?) on a leash. I turned away for a second and the barking and growling got louder, and I could tell there was a dog fight happening.  I heard Mark shout: "Ranger!* Retreat!".  I stood back in the doorway looking out into the night and Mark was nearer, throwing something heavy into the trashcan next to the door.  He said in a very anguished, loud voice "He's dead. Dead!". I heard Mark's voice very clearly, full of despair, and I could tell he was so upset.  The dream ended.  I felt very sad and as it was 4:30 a.m. I just went ahead and got up for the day.

There's so much for me to unpack here:

The details of the ring

Me thinking lately about what Chloe will do when Teddy dies

The neighbor's dog, Ranger, has barked and growled at me several times and I am so irritated with Joe, his owner.

A tan coat?

The emotion in Mark's voice

Were the dogs just a metaphor?  Dogs in my dreams = fear

Yuck. What a way to start my workweek.