Here we go!
HERE WE GO AGAIN.
Here. We. Go.
Why am I so resistant to taking antidepressants. I don't really have an answer to that. I had a friend ask me recently. Like why is it OK if I support someone else taking them, but not myself? As my primary care doc (an Internist) said, depression is a treatable illness, just like any other number of things.
I mean, I get that.
But I was so hoping I had crossed that hump off the list last year and was done with it. I didn't factor in Mom dying, which threw off the whole ball of wax. I was looking forward to handling my life, you know? Feeling all the feels on my own. I wanted to experience happiness along with the sadness, and somehow, the meds always blunt everything. But after a tense and unhappy Thursday evening with me overreacting and acting cray-cray, crying and shaking while my son asked me WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? it occurred to me that maybe the chaos I was feeling inside was also being felt outside - by him, and maybe by others. {Although, I guess he could have been kinder about it} I'm doing this for me. I'm doing this for them. I want to feel better, in all ways.
Oh, Gina, I get it! My mother and best friend died within 6 months of each other, and I had to deal with the estate, etc. I muddled through without medical help, but I realized years later that I maybe shouldn't have. It was the loneliest and saddest time of my life, and I just retreated into my misery. I specifically remember that I made myself look for things every day to give thanks for, and so many days the view out my kitchen window was the only thing that gave me any peace at all. Medical help is such a personal choice. I'm putting in a request heavenward for peace, hope, and blessings to come your way! Whatever you decide, be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteI too have stayed away from meds for my feelings. I've had so many reactions to meds, so I'm cautious. I didn't even do the vaccine. Instead of meds, I turn to God and read the Bible, and still do, and then volunteered to teach a class on the book of Job. I feel all of that has helped tremendously. Plus, my church family is always a big support. A lot of them have gone through the same, so we are able to talk. I think our kids just don't have that same feeling even when they've lost the same person. My kids are seldom around, but my church family is with me every week. It's my choice how often I go to church. So I go 3 times a week, for my weekly dose to keep depression at bay.
ReplyDeleteG's daughter did decide to take meds and now she's struggling and battling the weight gain the meds caused. She went from a 90 lb to 150 because losing her Daddy was hard.
So meds is a hard choice. Good luck. And as always, Do NOT listen to ANYBODY that tells you, "you should be over it by now." It's your time line and losing your Mother made it longer for sure.