Something I have gained in grief

 This is a journal prompt that I was given in a recent grief webinar and I thought it interesting as it has occurred to me before.  Something I have gained: the strength to persevere.

I never felt particularly strong.  My mother told me shortly after Mark died that I was a "strong woman".  But I didn't ask for that and I resented having to be strong about something I had no choice in.  I wanted to crumble, but there was much at stake so I really didn't have that choice.  I have heard stories of grievers who had a hard time getting out of bed, feeding themselves, not leaving their house, letting laundry and bills and dirty things pile up.  I would say I was the opposite of that.  I became laser-focused on getting my house in order, managing my bills, following through with all of my appointments, maintaining self-care as best I could, and trying to keep the lines of communication open with family and friends.  At times it seemed like an unreasonable amount of work for someone who was grieving.  And I had my full share of anxiety attacks, meltdowns, and loss of appetite.  Plus, depression hit me rather hard.  So its not like I've been a role model on How to Widow Peacefully.

For the 40 years previously, Mark was by my side for whatever trouble I was facing.

A partner to help figure out solutions to problems.

Someone I could lean on when I felt unable to stand alone.

And now I've had to figure out to keep going and draw on new inner strength. 

So, yay for me in doing so?

But what a shitty way to discover a new life skill.