The trouble with old photos

 Waaaay back in December of last year, as I tackled cleaning out yet another closet, I pulled down all of the old photo albums, and extra pictures, and boxes of negatives and decided it was time to purge and condense. 

I had a plan, and it was simple. But the actual project took me places I did not want to revisit.  Those sweet faces! (I rarely see them) That handsome, smart husband! (gone) Remember that house?  Oh, look - long gone family members. So many long days, so many short years.  I cried buckets through 5 of these 100 page 3 ring photo albums. And don't even know if the kids will ever look at these albums.

 I made tough decisions about what to save for posterity.

It was a difficult trip back into the past.  So I did what any reasonable person would and I procrastinated, mean-mugging that table every time I sat in the den to read. I wrote notes to myself in my desk planner ("get it done - this week!")  But somehow, I just never could.  There is such a contrast between my life then and my life now.  Back then, everything on photo paper looked rosy - the kids were smiling.  We went places. We celebrated. I documented some very happy times. But behind the camera was a mom who was juggling more than her fair share, and constantly having to give in to someone else's plans and whims.  I lost a big part of myself in the process.  

This is why you don't immerse yourself in the past.

its so nice not to see that table here!

Just one more thing I wanted to talk to Mark about. But I'm working my way through it, trying to reframe it, and maybe in the future it will be easier to look back at those photos.  And the bonus is, that project is DONE!

Dream feelings #19 - Hunger Games

 I am in my bedroom, maybe folding laundry or making the bed, and I hear a familiar voice in another part of the house.  I recognized it immediately as my brother Byron. I can still hear his voice in my head, and I haven't seen or spoken to him in years.  He walks into the room and I noticed that he is older, but taller, thinner and wearing a blue plaid shirt tucked into jeans.   I say "It's you!" and rush to hug him. 

Byron and me, 65 years ago

It was a nice long hug and that part of the dream fades to a very surreal scene that's like something out of Hunger Games.  Its a futuristic scenario where we have cell phones that look like small flat books - but bigger than today's cell phones.  We are being divided up into groups.  Some of the groups are further inside the building, actively battling in a type of war in a giant multi-level arena.  I do not see weapons or death though - its more like a game. This part of the dream is very colorful with reds and yellows, lot of interesting lighting.  I am in a group that has no role, milling around and wondering what to do.  I have a couple of interactions with people and a leader type female who takes my phone to use.  The dream ends.

I've been thinking a lot about family lately as I get memories down on paper to write my life story - so that explains Byron.  But the second half?  No clue.

Another dumb thing, exhibit C

Chloe came over one day to visit, and we were talking about the cell phone bill.  While we were talking about phones, I told her that I had never cancelled the land line because, well... Mark set it up.  Then it occurred to me that: 

*it's my damn land line (so its my responsibility)

*he's not coming back to use it

*I don't own an actual land line phone

*I haven't faxed anyone in a long while (its 2026, after all)

*$127 a month is too much to pay for internet and something I don't use

this desk will look nice, painted and with a smaller scanner someday!

In my defense, the land line was something we had from when we bought the house.  {And then we added a second one, but it got cancelled when all of the kids got cell phones.}  When he started working from home he was forwarding the insurance agency's line to a multi-line phone with our phone line.  Friends, that ended 5 years ago.

Would he be mad that I cancelled it? Does that even matter?

I'm still going to keep the scanner/printer/fax combo until it croaks, then I will buy a smaller one.  But I don't need the expense of the landline.  I really don't know why I didn't cancel it sooner.  It took AT&T less than a day to disconnect it.  I guess in my head I still hear Mark.  But now its gone and I feel like I got a monthly raise.