What lights the fire?

This post is very similar to the previous post - it weighs heavily on my mind, I guess.      

I had a conversation with someone and told her I was drawing a big blank where the answer in my mind should live: what do I want to do in my future?  So we talked about all of the things I enjoyed when I was young and unmarried - writing, reading, word puzzles, sewing.  But my overriding wish when I was a child was to be a mom.  This seemed like a natural choice to me.  But it turns out, it probably was a deep-seated desire to do something differently and better than my mother did.   To provide a home that was loving and clean, with fresh food and decent clothes, opportunity, tradition, and hope. Something I always wanted for myself.  Seems odd to say, but with all of the children she had, turns out she wasn't really a fan of children.

     Ironically, I eventually went into the same field she did - Radiography.  I knew I needed a skill and good job to help raise the family Mark and I were building. I hunkered down and did the work, making it through school with good grades while battling financial hardships, working part-time, and raising two small children.  I have been doing it longer than Mom did (32 years) at this point. 

     It was never a "calling" for me; it was a way to help provide my family with what we needed  I was able to attain health insurance, a retirement account, and income.  My hours made it possible for me to be at home with my kids during the week for summers and school breaks, eliminating the need for daycare. It was a means to an end, and I do a good job at it, but it doesn't light a fire under me. I thought that as soon as the last one left home, I would be really and truly free to retire.

Then Mark died.

That was 4 years ago.  But is that a reason to stay put?

And now, how do I discover something that does light that fire?