I was telling a friend of mine that every overworked mom reaches a point where she needs a break. Maybe she doesn't want to continue being not only a breadwinner, but chief cook, cleaner, laundress, and admin. Maybe she needs a hot shower, a nap, and someone else to pull the load for a bit.
That break never seemed to come for me. And rather than rock the boat too hard, I just kept doing what I knew I was good at. Then after Mark died, I found I felt super angry about having to cook for myself. I tried easy meals, or cooking one big batch of something, or just making sandwiches. But every time, I felt like I still wasn't getting a break. And never would.
even simple meals make me feel mad
The male therapist I was talking to (before the current one) said "yeah, but now you can eat whatever you want". But I was doing that anyway and I still have to do the work: making a menu and list, shopping, schlepping, storing, preparing, serving, loading the dishwasher. Why did I take it all on? Maybe it was my love language, or a trade-off for peace in the house.
My question is: when was it going to be my turn to be cared for? There has never been a time that someone took care of adult me by providing me with meals. I even made lunches for Mark when he was working from home. (and to be fair, he did thank me often) I have so much built up resentment and anger about it. I feel like I created, or at least contributed, to the problem.
Sitting in my kitchen yesterday, thinking about what I was going to pack for meals over the weekend made me so mad I cried. So I really need to try to figure this out for myself. Something tells me its a bigger issue than just cooking. But for the rest of the summer, I am dropping down to cooking meals for myself only two days a week.
I am determined to get to the heart of this and resolve it.
Gina, Its like I share your brain. But heaven forbid to lament to anyone or write in your own blog and get accused of always complaining...by people who don't have a clue. I hear you. I know.
ReplyDeleteOh. I lament a lot. I have to get it OUT, and this blog is my journal for that. (:
DeleteI understand why you would get mad over that (my situation was different and I got mad over food in a different way, but I get how it can gnaw on you). I hope you'll find a solution for yourself.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure the anger over cooking is the tip of another iceberg.
DeleteThat one sentence hits hard..."when was it going to be my turn to be cared for?" I think a lot of moms feel that way at some point.
ReplyDeleteYeah. I feel like I got rookie-do'ed, as my mother would say.
DeleteHere's my take: We were born at a time when the current thinking was that the woman would be the homemaker and the man would be the breadwinner. Along came the 70's and now the thinking was that the woman would get to pursue a career, too. So here we were thinking that we could have it all but to have it all, we had to do it all. The men reluctantly included us in the workforce but most of them didn't step up to help with the homemaking. So we did pretty much everything and that was/is a tall order. The fools we were!! On the bright side I think husbands/fathers are somewhat sharing in the homemaking workload nowadays. Some more than others but at least it's a start in the right direction.
ReplyDeleteYes - as a friend told me recently, its a system that was in place long before I even existed. I hope my boys spend enough time as bachelors to realize the effort and responsibility that comes with creating a home, before they share it with someone. And I will remind them.
DeleteDear Gina, first thank you for sharing These personal words and struggle. I'm curious to how you heal from this. I believe that you can and will dig to the bottom of this. I see that in you.
ReplyDeleteMight take me a minute, but I will get there!
Delete100 percent you will. I have no doubts.
DeleteI hope you can figure out what's best for you now that you are on your own and can cook what you like, or live on salads and fruit for the summer. That would be my choice but it might not be yours. Good luck whatever you decided to do.
ReplyDeleteI am working on it right now - I think keeping meals simple is a good idea.
DeleteI never used to think that I had anger over the cooking. But once about 15 years ago, I came home from a funeral for a friend's mother-in-law, and I remarked that it seemed like I had just been to her father-in-law's funeral a couple of months before. My husband said, " Some couples are like that. If anything happens to you, I won't last long." Did I take it as the sweet sentiment that he meant it? No. The snarky, angry part of me came out with, "Of course you won't; you'll starve to death." So yeah, I definitely get it. I figure I'll get taken care of when I'm in the nursing home.
ReplyDeleteYES. I feel like cooking is just the trigger. There is so much more to it. I'm surprised therapist at the time didn't see that - I could've worked through this much sooner.
DeleteIt does seem like a much deeper issue and it's good you are working on it. Cooking for yourself is a form of self care but you shouldn't feel resentment about it or it won't feel like self care. Could you share and swap meals with a friend? get the Whole Foods prepared food and split it up into 4 portions (or more) for the week? use disposable dishes and silverware for awhile? scale down meals to the simplest, easiest things that don't need prep? I think the mental load of food preparation is weighing on you. Sending you hugs!
ReplyDeleteThese are all good ideas and I have tried many tricks - I just think it goes deep. I like the idea of splitting up a family size meal - will try that! A friend of mine uses paper plates and plasticware exclusively for herself - lets the fam to their own dishes. (:
DeleteI tend to get sad rather than angry. Sometimes I think if I could get angry, I'd feel better?
ReplyDeleteReading your blog always puts thoughts in my head.
I think a lot of my grief disguises itself as anger. And really, it feels just as bad as sad did.
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