Discovering what I don't want

 I have spent much time over the past few months thinking "what do I want?".

It may sound ridiculous, but as a married person, all of my wants and plans were filtered through a marriage.  There wasn't much space in there for me to give an opinion.  But that was then and this is now.

Sometimes it takes pain from something to realize its no longer meant for you. I was wearing my snake boots at Highlands, doing a few things both inside and outside of the barn. Sweating in the brutal heat and humidity, bugs in my face, the inside of the boot heel slowly scaping away my skin,  I thought "I don't want this.  Any of it.".  

I was willing to think of Highlands as an acceptable retirement place. It truly is a place of beauty, and I will forever remember the time spent admiring long sunsets, peaceful breezes, and the wonder of the sky at night.  But it also is a place of harsh weather conditions, cactus and tall grass with lots of rocks, country wildlife and insects, very hard work, and isolation. And there's no way now that I will ever use it for what it was intended.

And so, I do now know more about what I want!

Happy things for June 2023

 One of the hardest things to do in life involves changing habits.  They just get so ingrained into your day.  Flexing my "happy thought" muscle is one.  I am grateful for so many things in my life.  So its good to make a list now and again, just to remind myself that happy things are still happening.

*Dylan bought a car.  This relieves me because I was worried that he wasn't concerned about my car's upkeep.  

*I hate to tempt fate, but so far nothing major has failed or needed to be replaced at my house.  And I am doing my best to stay on top of the yards. 

*Haven't had a vertigo episode lately.  Knee only barely aches. Going to get an eye exam this week. I'm staying on top of medications, doctor visits, and improving my habits.

*It makes me feel happy to know I have taken stock of the people in my life and decided who can stay.  I feel lonely at times, but I am making space in my life to make new friends.  What's not to like about THAT?

*And I'm still happy to visit Highlands, while I decide how much longer it will be in my life.

Welcome, June.

Making space

I finally emptied out Mark's nightstand drawers.  

I find a personal item and it brings it all back full circle.  He is gone, and he does not care about any of this stuff.  All of the things here belong to me now.  This pair of eyeglasses I remember well - I thought they looked great on him.  They are now going to bless someone else who needs glasses, next month when I go for my own eye exam. I think he would approve.

Dream feelings #7 - Mark

Me and my "handyman" 

I had a gaping and jagged edge hole in my floor and Mark was suddenly here, fixing it with his table saw and some plywood.  He didn't look the same - had longish hair and was thin, and he didn't say much, but I knew it was him and I was relieved that he was taking care of it.  I thought: wait - this is impossible, it can't be. But other people were also in the background of my dream and they saw him, too. I woke up from this very short dream and I felt so sad I immediately started crying.  Trying to shake myself out of it was hard - it stayed with me all day.  So I chatted with friends.

Friend #1 I just told her I dreamt about Mark.  She responded with "hope it was a positive experience".  I told her how sad it made me feel, and she immediately ended the convo with "well, I hope the rest of your day goes well."

Friend #2 was more understanding, pointing out to me that there is no timeline for grieving, don't downplay it for anyone, and this was likely part of that and not out of the norm.  She also reminded me that people who care about me hurt alongside me and are not just going to ignore what I am telling them with flip response. That was comforting to me, and I was able to put the dream out of my mind and get on with my morning.

Friend #3 is into dream interpretation, so she told me: dreaming about a deceased partner signifies you miss them and still grieve for them OR you are going through a major transition OR in your dream he is guiding you to address something you've been putting off.  She said the beneficial traits of him are being offered to me as a blessing from him.  That was also comforting to me, and all of it made some sort of sense.  She also said whether you fix something yourself or hire someone to do what Mark used to, you got this. 

     I so wish I felt like I got this - some days I almost do.  

The eulogy I never posted

Mark's memorial at Highlands was a year ago today. I wrote my first ever eulogy while I was grieving and bewildered.  I had no idea what I could say to my kids to give them peace, because I had no peace myself.  But I managed to put together something, much like I did the obituary.  Only time will tell if my kids remember this day and the words that were honest and heartfelt.  

In advance of this eulogy for Mark, I want to ask that each of you to feel that you, too, can share your thoughts about him, whenever it feels right for you to do so. The beauty of us being out here together, as family, is that we can feel supported and uplifted by each other as we reflect and remember.

To that end, I would like to offer this prayer:

God, we are gathered here today as the family of our husband, father, and brother in law who has departed from this world and come into your presence. Lord, it is not easy for us to stand here and eulogize him, but we know that he is now together with You in heaven and in no pain or sorrow. As we honor him, let the unconditional love that you showered upon him during his life fill Highlands. Help us to learn how to love and support each other in this time of sadness, loss, and celebration of life. In Jesus’ name, we pray. Amen.

Its been 8 months since Mark died and Spring, with all of its hope and renewal seems like the perfect time for all of us to gather and celebrate his life and all of the blessings we knew because we loved him and he loved us.

Sometimes blessings happen when you least expect them, and sometimes they are well-disguised! Sometimes they seem like the cruelest thing you can imagine, even in the face of God's greatest mercy. A little background on how it all started...

Mark and I met by accident in 1980 at my high school boyfriends house. He's nice, I thought.

Then later that year I stopped to chat with him while he was actually out on a date – my bad...but I still thought, what a nice guy.

Then sometime later I chatted with he and friend when they stopped to say hello as they were cycling down the seawall in Galveston, and I was laying out sunbathing in my lawn chair with a girlfriend – both of us enjoying our summer home from college. “He's nice!, my friend exclaimed. You should date him!”  I scoffed.

Months later still I bumped into him at a popular college spot in Austin when we were each out with friends. I just kept bumping in to this guy! We spent the evening dancing and laughing.

Our first “real” date happened when he invited me to his 21st birthday party in San Marcos and the rest, was a very obvious blessing.

Its been a challenging 8 months for sure and I do terribly miss bumping into that guy. And I'm sure it will continue to be challenging for some time to come. During these times, its hard to focus on the blessings instead of the loss, but maybe even more important to do so. The less obvious blessing is that he wasn't aware it was his time to go so he wasn't worried, stressed, or frightened by that. He did not linger in pain or fear. That's not what any of us would have wanted for him. It was a relatively quick and natural passing for him. Even though it was traumatic and lingering to all of us, it was a blessing that he did not suffer needlessly.

Mark was my person.  The only one I have ever planned to grow old with.  And I actually did! And we had a full life together. Forty years came and went... along with 2 houses, Highlands, 15 cars, 4 cats, 3 refrigerators, 4 dishwashers, umpteen vacuum cleaners, a boat, 2 canoes, 5 pregnancies, 4 children, 14 jobs, near financial ruin, rebounding success, sad times, happy times, sickness and health.  All of this and more - the full gamut of life together. Good and bad rolled into one huge blessing.

Chains do not hold a couple together in marriage, any more than money or wedding rings.  It is the many tiny invisible threads that sew a couple together and keep them connected over the years.

Everyone here has a Mark/Dad/Mac/Slap Daddy Mac memory to share, maybe many of them, and I hope you will do so here today and all of the days to come. It will help to keep you connected to him, and he to us.

All of us knew his wit, his counsel, his jokes, his hugs, the timbre of his voice.  He was someone we could always lean on. He left a legacy of love in his children, whom he was very proud of, always. My hope is that, in times of trouble, you will hear his voice in your head, remembering his advice and love.

God's mercies and provisions are new every morning. So on a daily basis, we should optimistically ask for and strongly expect: 

the miracles,

blessings,

and breakthroughs

that he provides for us in this life.

We should, in fact, in faith, expect the best.

In closing, I would like to offer this prayer:

Compassionate God, we thank you for the life of Mark who finished this life loving you and trusting in your promises. We thank you for the life and grace you gave him and the peace in which he now resides. Have compassion on our grief, Lord, and fill our hearts with thanksgiving to you. From you comes every good and perfect gift, including the gift of eternal life. In Jesus' name we pray, Amen.

Ice capades

Please enjoy these pictures of the ice storm effects on my trees while I talk about something that's somewhat related.

Is that limb touching my chimney cap?

Had you asked me what my family would have looked like in early 2023 I would have said that it would look pretty much the same as it did in early 2020.  Knowing that my kids were almost fully independent and off living their own lives, but staying connected to their parents and each other.

Lost power and slowly losing light

In fact, every chance I've gotten since Mark died, I have asked them not to lose touch with each other or with me. I wrote them each a letter in their Christmas card, telling them that for Christmas I wanted to stay connected as a family, for all of us to stay strong, and as their mom, keep seeing and hearing from them.

Its a good thing I have candles and wine

But actually, I rarely hear from them. 

Hello, neighbor's tree

Two of them work long hours, one of them is married, and the fourth one is in a different city altogether. This is making excuses for them and I shouldn't do that.

Ice is pretty, not pretty

I try to remember my 20s and 30s and think it was similar for me, but I did write my mother snail mail letters on the regular and chatted with her on the phone every so often. I saved every letter my mother wrote me back and she has saved all of mine.  They meant something.

Why did I park the truck here

Someone told me that my kids were spoiled with their parents always being there for love and support, and that this is what people that age do.  But it feels terrible to me to be isolated from them, especially now. I think they know where they can find me when they need me, and I guess I can find them too.

Happy things for January 2023

 I don't know why its been so long since I've written one of these, but here's the first one for the New Year.  

*My home, which has everything I need to feel comfortable and safe. 

*My health, which seems to be on an even keel. 

*My car, which Subaru has agreed to pay half of the pricey auto repair recommended to me back in November.  

Those are the most important things to be happy about right now, though there are small ones that occur to me from time to time.  I like the way my back patio functions now after removing things I did not want and adding things I did. I have books to read and things to stitch.  I have friends I can vent to, joke with, bounce ideas off of.  And I have lots to looks forward to!