Things I wish I could do over*

I'm sure that a lot of people play this game with themselves. If you could only go back in time, right?  Maybe you are remembering a happier time and just want to re-live it.  Recently Grayson told me he wanted to be 16 again -  when he was happy.  My heart broke a little.  Being 16 is something I would do over, too, but for different reasons. 

When I was 16 I lacked discipline and direction.  I dreamed and wished for a life that I wasn't actively working toward achieving.  And I wasn't a particularly nice person because I was so dissatisfied with my life.  I lost my way with my religion, relationships, self-respect.  I made good grades, got my driver's license and a part time job, and attained some status in high school circles.

me at 16

Here's what I would do differently starting at 16:

*focused on what I wanted to do for a living someday, and apply for jobs and opportunities that aligned with that.  I would have maintained a high standard of honesty and hard work, limiting my absenteeism, gaining insight from my peers and supervisors, and learning how to manage my money.

*enjoyed all of the opportunities high school had to offer instead of being so focused on popularity, drill team, and boys. Taken college prep level classes.

*pick the university I wanted to attend based on my future goals, graduated on time, worked part time and kept my grades high. Started applying for post college jobs sooner.

*Dated less.  Said no to things I shouldn't have been doing.  Been responsible for my own health and well-being.  Kept the lines of communication open with my mother.

*Made worthwhile connections and met more people.  Honored family relationships.  Gone to church with my mother.  Taken care of my body and my mental and physical health.  Asked for help.

*Plotted a course, then walked the path, held my head up, made myself proud.

Its like they say:  youth is wasted on the young!

*still following a series of prompts

Happy Things for February '24

 Is it just me, or does it seem like New Year's was just a couple weeks ago?

Also, it seems like I really look forward to January for that fresh start/clean slate feeling.  I am going to keep my head up and find the good.

*the fence is repaired and it cost much less than two other quotes I got.

*the water pressure issue for the house and kitchen was resolved and its soooo nice to have good water pressure and a fully functioning kitchen faucet!

*I started a walking program and while doing so I listen to Ted talks which are helpful.

* I got that big auto pipe outta my garage, a bunch of stuff decluttered from my house.  Progress!

*I'm going to buy a new car, sell mine to Grayson, then sell the Baja and Ridgeline.  Will I regret this?  Right now I can't see a reason why.

Deep breaths - February is off to a decent start.

A time we got along really well*

Mark's 63rd birthday would have been this coming Wednesday.

The very last weekend that we had together was a good one.  We visited a brewery and Italian restaurant in Llano, as well as a winery, then a tasting room, in Mason. At Highlands, I fixed us a simple dinner to enjoy by the firepit.  I remember staying up much later than Mark did.

He was so tired, recovering from a heart attack, but we didn't know that.

our hill, at sundown

On Sunday, Mark slept in until about 9 a.m. while I had gotten up earlier - around 7 a.m.  I made a pot of coffee, then sat on one of the patio chairs to keep an eye and ear out for passing wildlife - geese overhead, deer walking through, and the sounds of the cows mooing on the ranch next door.  He would have said "oh, you're just going to let me sleep the morning away?" as he always did.  I would have gotten him a cup of coffee and started making breakfast. 

I spy a cow

 Until noon we worked on various projects, just putseying around. Mark installed some nice stereo speakers on the outside of the Winnebago, then sat in his chair in the sun, listening to music.  Come up here, I said to him, motioning to the front of the barn.  I knew he hadn't been feeling well and I just wanted him to relax in the shade.  I opened his favorite wine (Lime in the Coconut!) and we sat in chairs facing each other, listening to music and chatting about anything and everything for a couple of hours. It was so comfortable - like two old friends and each others' favorite companion.  In the late afternoon we took a nap, then woke around 6 p.m, loaded up the RV, and headed home.  I remember thinking that we were really connecting, and I swore to myself that the NEXT weekend, we were just going to relax.  No projects, no travel, just time in our chairs in the sun on our hill, soaking up the last bit of summer, together.   

And then the unthinkable happened.

I miss talking with him, most of all. Catching up on our day or week, swapping stories about our jobs and people we knew, discussing the kids, making plans for Highlands and the future.  And I'm thankful that as that work week wore on, with all of its frustrations and stress, we'd had Sunday together, enjoying each others' company.

*I am following a series of prompts for a few posts

A memory that makes me laugh*

 Full disclosure: this is one of those mean yet actually harmless sibling stories that I have laughed about throughout the years, almost to the point of not being able to re-tell it.  In fact, I just snort-laughed, reliving it in my mind!  It will never not make me laugh. I'm sure my sister did not find it amusing in the least.

I can hear my mother now calling me a "bad ole girl"

Years ago, when we lived in Galveston, we were in a house that had a couple of rooms which shared a closet that connected them. (mostly the cat's favorite place to go and pee on shoes)  So you could sneak from one room to the next, deviling each other, as my mother would say.  On one such occasion, I hid in my 15 year old sister's side of the closet, having sneaked in via my mother's room.  My unsuspecting 12 year old brother was in the living room that was just adjacent, watching TV.  I'm sure my mother was at work with the three of us home unattended.  This house had a tiny bathroom for the four of us to share and it was located on the other side of the house from the bedrooms - in fact just outside of the kitchen, which was a dumb place to put a bathroom.  It was so small that after a bath or shower we would wrap ourselves in a towel to return to our room to get dressed.  

This is a crucial detail in my story.

So there I was, lying in wait for her, in the dark closet of her room, with the door barely open a crack.

{This is hard to type as I have to pause and laugh every so often...hold please}

As she entered the room, clutching the towel wrapped around her, another towel wrapped turban style on her head, carrying a cup of coffee, I let out this insanely terrible schlurping noise, scaring the absolute shit out of her.  It was the first time in my life I had ever made that sound - I don't even know where it came from.  She threw the full cup of coffee into the air where it rained down on her newly clean self, dropped her towels, and ran screaming into the living room in her birthday suit with wild wet hair in her face where my brother sat gaping at her, wide-eyed. I literally fell out of the closet laughing so hard I could not breathe and couldn't speak for some time.

In no way did I feel remorse or regret for doing this to her, and probably did not even help her recover her dignity or clean up the spilled coffee.  And I'm sure she was merely trying to get ready for an after school job.  This possibly explains why my sister does not think I am funny.

In fact, she has spent the rest of her life making sure I understand the phrase "paybacks are hell".

Ha ha.

*I am following a series of prompts for a few posts

Happy things for January 2024

Its time for the monthly focus on my blessings, not my troubles.  

Less beer, but not no beer

*The year ended on a calm and quiet note and my family had a good Christmas.  I stayed well within my budget and plans and I think that set a positive example for my adult kids.  As one of them stated, (Christmas) "doesn't have to be exactly the same every year", which tells me that they understand the need for holidays to evolve for us as a family.  Another lightbulb moment for me!

*The tile job is finished.

*Grayson is no longer commuting to San Marcos in the Baja, and for now he is done with school.

*I survived my two week bout with RSV and am feeling better.  I have started back on my walking.  Health-wise, I am doing my best at making healthy choices, which also includes far less drinking.

*I have already started on the yearly purging and cleaning and organizing of the spaces in my home  and I have a plan for moving forward with projects and that gives me such a feeling of accomplishment and control!  I'm going to enlist the boys' help more often as well.

That's not a bad list of happy things for January!

If I could tell him about my year, what would I say?*

 Dear Mark,

     Here is a quick month-by-month rundown of what 2023 looked like for me.

I wish I knew how this whole "swimming through grief" thing is done.

January - Made a nice meal which none of our kids showed up to, met Deb for a beer, paid Texas State, had a bout of gastritis, got a mammo, celebrated Spencer's birthday, dropped off my car for major repair, took a week off for a big ice storm that damaged our trees, cried and drank, thought about you on your birthday, as always.

February - Called my mother on the regular, took fallen limbs to the curb, paid Texas State, picked Deb up for a wine club pick-up, took a load of crap to Goodwill, cleaned at mom's, cried, worked on my back yard, saw the dentist, went to Highlands, let Dylan move back home.

March - Called Mother on her birthday, had ATT come out due to squirrel chewing, replaced the water filters, had an asthma attack for the first time in my life, ordered curtain rods, paid Texas State, put new tires on the truck, bought Mom a rosebush and made her a pie, got an oil change, had a well-woman visit, met new friends at Circle Brewing, cried, posted your eulogy on this blog, cleaned the garage again, saw a dermatologist.

April - did more yard work, paid Texas State, checked on Highlands, met a friend and her mother for a beer on Easter, had my last day at DCMC during a stressful week at work, cried, started at the new hospital, put out bulky trash for collection,  cancelled the wine club, got a haircut, ate lunch out with my new team, cleaned out my kitchen cabinets, donated more crap, started working weekends.

May - mulched the front landscaping, picked up wines at Perissos, started taking call every Wednesday, cleaned my oven, Mom had a breast biopsy and repeat mammo (its cancer), paid Texas State, took yet another load of crap to Goodwill,  cried, threw out all of your shoe polish, steam cleaned the carpets, refinished the kitchen cabinets, called the handyman for Highlands, worked Memorial Day, had an eye exam, was forgotten on Mother's Day.

June - refinished the coffee tables, started weekly mowing and edging, cried, cleaned out two gutters, shredded a bunch of paperwork, sent money to Grayson, tried to fix the ceiling fans, called the tile guy, went to Highlands with Dylan to oversee pipe repair by a really weird handyman, found a realtor to list Highlands, scrubbed and sealed the deck, saw my mother, paid the trailer tags, sold Highlands/canoe/trailer, got my labs drawn, replaced my landscape lights, took extra call, got Mom's echo results, got in trouble for not group texting on Father's Day.

July -  worked July 4th, Mom had a mastectomy, painted the backdoor, met with financial advisor at credit union, failed at finding a new counselor for me, met a friend for a beer, picked up some important documents in downtown Austin, sold your guitars, really cried, closed on Highlands, bought tires for my car, Mom had a stroke and fell - visited her in the ICU, brought Grayson home from Texas State, hospice arranged for Mom.

August - Visited mom in Bryan hospital several times, took the marine battery to the recycle center, Mom transferred to Caldwell Rehab, drove to Caldwell several times, took the Baja in for repairs, found Grayson drunk and puking in a ziploc at home, started working to manage mom's affairs, got a steroid shot for severe knee pain, organized all the tools, got off the antidepressant, never called out, saw my doctor, send a craft project to a friend, cried, got my roof inspected, got more trees trimmed, changed homeowners and auto insurance, saw the dentist.

September - took paint to the recycle center, had more routine maintenance on my car,  visited Mom at Melissa's house a couple times a week, worked on finding a nursing home, had Home Depot come measure the floors, euthanized Gus, cleaned Mom's house and gathered up her mail, put more bulky trash out, met with mom's financial advisor, spent hours at Wells Fargo, spent hours at Chase, put new tires on the Baja, initiated a long term care policy claim for mom, celebrated Chloe's birthday, got a refund check from the first nursing home and found a more suitable place, so much crying, went to Brenham again to check mail and set up timers, tile guy delivered tile, stressful move of Mom to Spanish Oaks where she then died a few hours later.

October - planned a funeral, wrote an obit and arranged it to be published, tried to help Spencer re-home his cats which didn't pan out, took Dylan and Chloe with me to abovementioned funeral, got a haircut, noticed the fridge is leaking, guest bathroom tile job was begun, found Grayson passed out in his room, cried and panicked, painted and purged my office, got rid of the wine fridge and about a dozen wine glasses, celebrated Dylan's birthday, took jewelry in for repair.

November - Took paperwork and files to mom's executor/lawyer, including all of her wet and ruined mail from the post office, got the name of a new therapist I won't follow up on, put a Christmas tree up in my bedroom, noticed the fence is falling and called a fence company for a quote, got the tile job done in my bathroom, made cinnamon dough for ornament tags, cried, got my air ducts cleaned, had the switch replaced in the boy bathroom, replaced the shower stall splash guard, got TxTag to cancel your account, took a beginner Tai Chi class, took myself to a movie, cleaned the house/cooked all of the food/hosted Thanksgiving after working a 6 hour shift, decorated the Christmas tree with Dylan, cried a lot, thrift shopped and found a dress for Christmas Eve.  Made my New Year's resolutions early.

December - Battled a 2 week respiratory illness, took more things to Goodwill, haggled with T-Mobile over my bill, got a contact number for the hospital chaplain, got Harry's diamond cufflinks turned into earrings (Merry Christmas to me), changed the air filters, put together all of Christmas gifts, decided not to send out cards, decorated the house, cried, didn't drink as much, paid the 6 months due tags on the Baja, found another of your knives to give Grayson for his birthday, got rid of most of the firewood, made fudge, participated in Secret Santa at work, attended church virtually on Christmas Eve, hosted the kids for Christmas Day, celebrated Grayson's birthday, un-decorated/cleaned/organized the week after Christmas, finally got Grayson to tell me he didn't pass his last class, moved some furniture around, took Christmas down, watched Netflix and read, and will work the entire weekend of New Year's.

Hopefully this recap will look far different in 2024.

*I'm following a series of prompts for a few posts.

Happy things for December 2023

My December home is sanctuary. 

Peaceful, quiet, beautiful, relaxed.  Just what I want to feel.

*In November, I gave all of Mom's papers and mail to the attorney and now I am doing no more than the other three heirs in regards to her estate.

*Some random home repairs are off my list: the fan switch in the boys' bathroom, the dryer vent was cleaned for the first time in years, and the tile job is finished.  Three things off my Rustown list.

*I was done with Christmas shopping before Thanksgiving and stayed within a very reasonable budget.  

*I'm off work Christmas Day, and if the weather allows I will take a nice long walk, eat a delish meal, read for a bit, and relax with a nap!  And I am looking forward to working my regular shift on New Year's Day as a send-off to the '23 holiday season. 

*Grayson will be done commuting to San Marcos.

*My nails are back to growing and look great.  I got some jewelry repairs done and am enjoying said jewelry.  I started up walking again.  And health-wise, everything is on an even keel for me right now.

All is calm.  All is bright.